hey

[ankhchick667]

well... some things have happened that have left me.... i dont know. insecure, numb i guess you could say. i really feel like i feel nothing. i dont feel my heart beating anymore. i cant tell if i am even alive or not. it kinda feels like i am in a bad dream and i know that i will never wake up from it. jamie and i got back together, on the 27th of december. he was all for it. he seemed cautious, but he told me that he wanted to be with me and blah... so i am so happy... waking up in the mornings was such a highlight for me because i knew that i had jamie again and all i looked foward to everyday was hearing his voice and spending time with him. i was so unbelievably happy. i cant even describe it. why? because throughout the time jamie and i were apart, i had time to think and i cleared my head and i got everything straight in my mind. i realized that i do love jamie and i do want everything that he wanted. marriage, being a family, spending the rest of my life with him.... but something wasnt right with him. he was hiding things from me. i first find out that the girl he was dating while we were apart, susan, he and she were still talking. he never told her that he was with me again. she thought he was still single. he kept lying to me and i finally took things into my own hands. i got her number(411, typical) and i called her. i didnt start anything. i just explained who i was and what was going on. i also apologized toher because i know she didnt want to hear that, especially from me. she got all upset because she really liked him and she thought she was starting to have feelings for him(maybe she did) she thought i was calling her to cuss her out or something, but there was no reason to do anything like that cause it wasnt her fault. it was all jamie, lying to both of us. so they both tell me that they will stop talking to one another, well guess what, they didnt... i caught him again. finally i get the feeling that he really did leave her alone. then i feel like something else is wrong... so i question and question, then he finally admits that this girl he used to date, talk to, i dont know. anyway, she came to visit and they were talking. he told me he just talked to her on the phone and that she means nothing... then he later tells me that he saw her at a friends house and that he did talk to her there but he only saw her that one time. well, i wasnt buying it. so i (yes, i did, i know its wrong, but i did) i hacked into his yahoo messenger and pretended to be him. well this girl popped up and started talking to him and it was the girl he claims he just saw once and didnt do anything with. well she ends up telling me(pretending tobe him) that they saw each other atleast 3 times in one week. and they did more than talk. they both claim tojust have kissed, but i honestly think it was more than that. so yeah... he cheated on me, no telling how many times!!! and all he can say is, "im sorry" i went to break up with him last night and then he said no and that he loves me and that deep down he needs me and that he does want to marry me and told me he would change and do anything for me and that he would drop everything and everyone for me and that he would have nothing to do with this girl anymore. i said"no, you can do what you want, you wont have to worry about me anymore, you can be free to do and talk to whoever you want" and he was like"no ashleigh please... please no, ill do anything." so i told him that i couldnt handle him continuing to talk to and be friends with the girl that he cheated on me with. i told him that it wasnt fair to me or her and that all it would do is cause confrontation between the 2 of us. cause that is just not fair to me, am i right? i wouldnt do that to him and just say"im sorry, thats all i can say, but i am still going to be friends with him whether you like it or not" jamie would completely go insane if i did anything like that. i didnt tell him what he can and cant do i just told him that i wouldnt be able to handle it, and that if he was going tocontinue to do it, then i cant be with him. he said he wants me. but now its like he resents me for it. but it was his decision right? i still cant get over the fact that he would do something like that to me. i have been faithful to him throughout these past almost 2 years. and that is a first for me. really. i was never faithful to my past bf's.but i realized its just not worth losing someone you really care about. i didnt want to jepordize us. but he did... he told me that he was just confused... i hope he means everything he has said about loving me and only me and wanting to spend the rest of his life with me and all. i told him he needs to be sure cause i am giving myself tohim. to have. andi dont want him to take advantage of that. okay. well.. imma end this. its long enough dont you think?
ps.
i think i am getting strep. i am running a fever and i am freezing my ass off right now!!! it hurts to swallow and my ears hurt(on the inside). i cant get near lilly and that is killing me. i love her so much!!! jamie had to take careof her when he was here cause i couldnt be near her. that gave him some more experience though:) we are still together. i told him that everyone makes mistakes and that they learn from them. but if he makes it again, im sorry, im not going to allow myself to be put through that again.
:( later-Ash