Junior Solves a Mystery! - Stargate SG-1 fic by Junior
TITLE: Junior Solves a Mystery!
AUTHOR: Junior
Archived: http://bunnyfic.com/Junior/Jnr_mystery.htm
CONTENT WARNING: Implied character death. Cruelty to Jack and Teal'c. Jonas is not a good guy.
CATEGORY: humour; badfic
SPOILERS: Season 5: Meridian; The Fifth Man
SEASON / SEQUEL: season 6 fix it
RATING: PG-13
SUMMARY: The heroic symbiote solves a mystery and puts right what once went wrong without the aid of a hologram that only he can see and hear.
Junior Solves a Mystery!
It was sunny outside the pathetic Tau'ri fortress known as Cheyenne Mountain but inside oh, inside the pouch of the Shol'va, Teal'c aka Mr Grumpy, it was black, that really dark shade of black and a bit shiny, a kind of leathery black to signify mourning and despair but still really cool at the same time.
Daniel was Gone. Beloved Daniel, the Future Host of Junior the Soon-to-be Overlord of Everything Especially Minnesota, had Ascended to a god-like state of being - though not actually a god because that would only happen when Junior decided The Time Was Right for Their Union and Daniel - oh Daniel!!!!! - became a Host to the most Magnificent Symbiote that had Ever Ever lived and would ever be but anyway Daniel was GONE!!!!!
The one partially responsible for this was currently munching on grapes in Daniel's office, spitting seeds into the wedding bowl of Daniel and Blessed Sha're, booted feet upon Daniel's desk while he leafed through Daniel's journals and made notes in the margins with a fat purple marker and bent the page corners to mark interesting sections. There were a lot of interesting sections.
A quiver of Rage rocked Junior - to his surprise it came from the Shol'va. Who would have thought the Treacherous Jaffa would feel such Righteous Anger on Junior's behalf?
Junior himself was really really steamed. As Teal'c approached Jonas his anger grew sharper. There was something about that creature, Jonas, that rubbed his ruff the wrong way. He sensed a falseness about him and that made him restless but the Stupid Shol'va thought it was indigestion and had been taking disgusting concoctions that gave him wind. At least he had emerged Victorious from the subsequent Farting competitions but Junior suspected that it was not really behavior befitting a Future God.
"Jonas Quinn. I see you have made yourself comfortable."
Junior froze at the indulgent tone in the Shol'va's voice. There were waves of warmth and affection coursing through the Jaffa.
Something Was Wrong!!!!!!!!!
At that moment the Lovely Samantha entered the room, her hair gleaming golden. She was sharing her Knowledge with O'Neill who was looking Unappreciative of such a gift and in fact was still in the near-comatose state he had been in since Daniel had gone.
Samantha's Beautiful face twisted as she saw Jonas. Then, as she drew nearer to the loathsome creature, it began to soften and she smiled!!!!!. "Hello, Jonas."
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! That soft tone was Wrong!
O'Neill was hanging back in the doorway, eyes full of fire as they raked across the room, noting the old banana skins and apple cores littering the place. His lips were drawn back so much they were barely visible, framing bared teeth. O'Neill seemed to sense he was being watched and his eyes met those of the watching symbiote. There was a long moment of shared understanding. Junior felt a strange feeling of Not-Hate towards O'Neill in that moment. Perhaps the Future God had found an unexpected ally
Despairing of the other two Tau'ri - yes, even the Lovely Samantha, his Future Queen - Junior drew back into the pouch, his Superior Goa'uld Brain already busy making plans. There was a Mystery to Solve and he was just the Symbiote to solve it!
@~~~~~~
Late that night Junior stirred. His plan was Magnificent in its simplicity - wander about the SGC until Something Happened. He had studied the masters of Sleuthing and through careful study of all available documented cases he had discovered that Scooby and Shaggy always stumbled across Clues when looking for food. The canteen was closed but food supplies were kept on Level 26.
Junior left his cozy pouch and dropped to the floor with enviable style and grace.
Teal'c awoke and rose up from the bed saying something or other, obviously eager to help his Lord; but Junior had already arranged an alternative mode of transportation after a secret IM session, delivery of a spy camera while Teal'c was off cleaning out the pouch and certain promises asked but never told. The Jaffa leapt out of bed, stepped onto O'Neill's skateboard, and landed on his head with a loud crunch. Fortunately the skateboard was not damaged - YIPPEE! Junior headed for the door, leaping up athletically to open it.
Unnoticed in the background, the Shol'va expired, having served his purpose.
@~~~~~~
Using his Sturdy and Incredibly Long Length to propel the skateboard, Junior headed for Level 26. There was a surprising lack of moving suits of armor and paintings with eyes considering this was a Mystery but perhaps this was because Nothing stood in the way of a Goa'uld Future Master of Everything!!!! All was quiet near the storerooms. Though no multi-headed dog guarded the corridor there was a Brief but Mighty Battle with one of Schroedinger's Nasty Furball offspring. The beast departed with half an ear missing, leaving the Mighty Symbiote Victorious and Unscathed except for a scratch just above his eyes that was not shaped like a lightning bolt because that would just be silly and no one would believe it. The triangular-shaped wound that looked a bit like a pyramid if it was squashed flat glowed as the Magical Goa'uld Healing Abilities stopped the bleeding. New skin gleaming pinkly, the scar was clearly visible for All to See and Marvel at, Junior's Battle Scar!!!!! All Humans and Cats would Tremble with FEAR!!!!!!!
Five storeroom doors awaited Junior labeled: 'Fruit and Veg'; 'Meat'; 'Dairy'; 'Bread'; 'Candy'. The content of Scooby Snacks was unknown and hamburgers were both meat and bread. Which would Scooby and Shaggy chose?
Then, as in all Mysteries...Something Happened!
Jonas appeared!!!! The corridor had been empty yet suddenly out of thin air there he was, grinning and munching away on a banana.
"Hello, Your Highness," Jonas sneered then tossed the banana skin over his shoulder thus revealing his True Evil Nature. Everyone knew only ancient garbage was Good.
"I see you've rumbled my scam. But you'll never take me alive copper!" From out of nowhere again something appeared - an Alien Weapon!!!!! "This is a de-atomizer. When I push this button, here, a red beam will shoot out and totally destroy you, you Clever and Handsome Symbiote!"
With that, Jonas aimed his weapon.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" The cry was ripped from the creamy white throat of the Lovely Samantha as she ran out of the elevator, the Also Lovely Janet and Not Lovely At All O'Neill following with a gurney that held the Shol'va. She leapt forward, intending to Sacrifice herself for her Future Lord, struggling to free herself as Janet also leapt forward and pulled her back, wanting to make the sacrifice herself. "Back off, you selfish hussy!" Samantha screamed at Janet and launched herself at Jonas. She was Too Late. For the Mighty Symbiote Pounded his tail against the skateboard and flipped into the air in a really cool move like they do on TV. The skateboard flew true, straight into Jonas' face. The beam went wide, totally disintegrating the door marked 'Fruit and Veg'. Smoke billowed, a pillar crashed and wooden beams, statues and rocks fell down and Junior had to dodge nimbly to avoid being crushed. As the smoke cleared people could be seen tied to chairs and a voice cried out: "Oh thank our god! We are Saved!"
It was DANIEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Holy Hannah!" Samantha exclaimed in her Cute way as she paused from beating up Jonas. "Look!"
O'Neill raced forward to untie Daniel, running his hands over his face, hair, neck, shoulders, arms, wrists, hands, thighs and feet (which were bare and Amazingly Clean) obviously checking to see if the Future Host was undamaged and still a worthy vessel for such a Magnificent Symbiote. Heroically, O'Neill attempted mouth-to-mouth on Daniel, which seemed a bit unnecessary but O'Neill was a Thorough Man if Totally Stupid and only vaguely a possibility for a First Prime.
The Gentle Janet exclaimed as she untied the others: "Nyan! Catherine! Ernest! Skaara! Ferretti! Stan! People who appeared briefly in Fifth Race! What happened?!"
Nyan stumbled out into the corridor and glared at Jonas. "It was him!" he spat out, pointing at the now thoroughly beaten Jonas who was lying, dazed, at Samantha's feet. "He said he was going to join SG-1 and take over the world, get the girl and steal Daniel's fish! He said no one ever ate fruit and veg voluntarily so no one would ever find us in here. Anyone who could possibly be considered as a replacement for Daniel who had established their Worthiness and built up audience affection in past episodes was kidnapped and brought here!" Nyan began sobbing on the Lovely Samantha's shoulder, fortunately not getting mucus or gunk in her Beautiful Golden Hair.
Jonas lifted his head from beneath Samantha's right boot. "Yes, it was me! I used my alien technology to make the glowy lights and alien chemicals like Tyler used in 'The Fifth Man' to make you believe anything I wanted and to Like Me! BWAHAHAHA! And you stupid Humans fell for it!!!! And I would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for that pesky but still Admirable and Awesome Snake who should be running this place!!!!!"
"I never liked him," O'Neill muttered to Daniel but Daniel had more important things to discuss. He leapt to his feet, graceful as a gazelle then fell to his knees before his Future Lord and Master, which was a really good look for him, looking Incredibly Handsome as he gazed at Junior with endearing adoration.
"Oh, Junior!!!" Daniel sobbed, his blue eyes shining like really pretty stars. Adoringly, he picked up his Future God and pressed his cheek against the Mighty Symbiote's head. "You Saved Me! You Saved us all and I Love your new battle Scar!! You can't possibly need another year to mature." Ripping open his t-shirt to reveal the firm and Lovely chest beneath, Daniel said throbbingly, "Take me! Take me now! Let Us Be One!"
It was sooooo tempting to Bless Daniel in that instant especially with O'Neill glaring at them in the background. Junior's Mighty Goa'uld heart had Broken when Daniel had seemed to die and now Daniel was here before him, healthy and golden and radiant. But...It Was Not Time!
Brushing his head against Daniel's cheek in farewell, Junior Heroically and Nobly refused his Future Host. He launched himself towards the Shol'va and landed in the empty pouch as neatly as cowboys do when they jump from balconies onto horses and don't hurt their Family Jewels. The Noble Symbiote began the tiresome task of healing the Shol'va. The sound of Jonas squealing and an alien weapon being used made Junior's scar and heart Glow with Happiness. The next sound was of O'Neill tripping over the banana skin and landing on his head and Junior's Contentment and Sense of All Being Right with the World was Complete.
The End
AUTHOR: Junior
Archived: http://bunnyfic.com/Junior/Jnr_mystery.htm
CONTENT WARNING: Implied character death. Cruelty to Jack and Teal'c. Jonas is not a good guy.
CATEGORY: humour; badfic
SPOILERS: Season 5: Meridian; The Fifth Man
SEASON / SEQUEL: season 6 fix it
RATING: PG-13
SUMMARY: The heroic symbiote solves a mystery and puts right what once went wrong without the aid of a hologram that only he can see and hear.
Junior Solves a Mystery!
It was sunny outside the pathetic Tau'ri fortress known as Cheyenne Mountain but inside oh, inside the pouch of the Shol'va, Teal'c aka Mr Grumpy, it was black, that really dark shade of black and a bit shiny, a kind of leathery black to signify mourning and despair but still really cool at the same time.
Daniel was Gone. Beloved Daniel, the Future Host of Junior the Soon-to-be Overlord of Everything Especially Minnesota, had Ascended to a god-like state of being - though not actually a god because that would only happen when Junior decided The Time Was Right for Their Union and Daniel - oh Daniel!!!!! - became a Host to the most Magnificent Symbiote that had Ever Ever lived and would ever be but anyway Daniel was GONE!!!!!
The one partially responsible for this was currently munching on grapes in Daniel's office, spitting seeds into the wedding bowl of Daniel and Blessed Sha're, booted feet upon Daniel's desk while he leafed through Daniel's journals and made notes in the margins with a fat purple marker and bent the page corners to mark interesting sections. There were a lot of interesting sections.
A quiver of Rage rocked Junior - to his surprise it came from the Shol'va. Who would have thought the Treacherous Jaffa would feel such Righteous Anger on Junior's behalf?
Junior himself was really really steamed. As Teal'c approached Jonas his anger grew sharper. There was something about that creature, Jonas, that rubbed his ruff the wrong way. He sensed a falseness about him and that made him restless but the Stupid Shol'va thought it was indigestion and had been taking disgusting concoctions that gave him wind. At least he had emerged Victorious from the subsequent Farting competitions but Junior suspected that it was not really behavior befitting a Future God.
"Jonas Quinn. I see you have made yourself comfortable."
Junior froze at the indulgent tone in the Shol'va's voice. There were waves of warmth and affection coursing through the Jaffa.
Something Was Wrong!!!!!!!!!
At that moment the Lovely Samantha entered the room, her hair gleaming golden. She was sharing her Knowledge with O'Neill who was looking Unappreciative of such a gift and in fact was still in the near-comatose state he had been in since Daniel had gone.
Samantha's Beautiful face twisted as she saw Jonas. Then, as she drew nearer to the loathsome creature, it began to soften and she smiled!!!!!. "Hello, Jonas."
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! That soft tone was Wrong!
O'Neill was hanging back in the doorway, eyes full of fire as they raked across the room, noting the old banana skins and apple cores littering the place. His lips were drawn back so much they were barely visible, framing bared teeth. O'Neill seemed to sense he was being watched and his eyes met those of the watching symbiote. There was a long moment of shared understanding. Junior felt a strange feeling of Not-Hate towards O'Neill in that moment. Perhaps the Future God had found an unexpected ally
Despairing of the other two Tau'ri - yes, even the Lovely Samantha, his Future Queen - Junior drew back into the pouch, his Superior Goa'uld Brain already busy making plans. There was a Mystery to Solve and he was just the Symbiote to solve it!
@~~~~~~
Late that night Junior stirred. His plan was Magnificent in its simplicity - wander about the SGC until Something Happened. He had studied the masters of Sleuthing and through careful study of all available documented cases he had discovered that Scooby and Shaggy always stumbled across Clues when looking for food. The canteen was closed but food supplies were kept on Level 26.
Junior left his cozy pouch and dropped to the floor with enviable style and grace.
Teal'c awoke and rose up from the bed saying something or other, obviously eager to help his Lord; but Junior had already arranged an alternative mode of transportation after a secret IM session, delivery of a spy camera while Teal'c was off cleaning out the pouch and certain promises asked but never told. The Jaffa leapt out of bed, stepped onto O'Neill's skateboard, and landed on his head with a loud crunch. Fortunately the skateboard was not damaged - YIPPEE! Junior headed for the door, leaping up athletically to open it.
Unnoticed in the background, the Shol'va expired, having served his purpose.
@~~~~~~
Using his Sturdy and Incredibly Long Length to propel the skateboard, Junior headed for Level 26. There was a surprising lack of moving suits of armor and paintings with eyes considering this was a Mystery but perhaps this was because Nothing stood in the way of a Goa'uld Future Master of Everything!!!! All was quiet near the storerooms. Though no multi-headed dog guarded the corridor there was a Brief but Mighty Battle with one of Schroedinger's Nasty Furball offspring. The beast departed with half an ear missing, leaving the Mighty Symbiote Victorious and Unscathed except for a scratch just above his eyes that was not shaped like a lightning bolt because that would just be silly and no one would believe it. The triangular-shaped wound that looked a bit like a pyramid if it was squashed flat glowed as the Magical Goa'uld Healing Abilities stopped the bleeding. New skin gleaming pinkly, the scar was clearly visible for All to See and Marvel at, Junior's Battle Scar!!!!! All Humans and Cats would Tremble with FEAR!!!!!!!
Five storeroom doors awaited Junior labeled: 'Fruit and Veg'; 'Meat'; 'Dairy'; 'Bread'; 'Candy'. The content of Scooby Snacks was unknown and hamburgers were both meat and bread. Which would Scooby and Shaggy chose?
Then, as in all Mysteries...Something Happened!
Jonas appeared!!!! The corridor had been empty yet suddenly out of thin air there he was, grinning and munching away on a banana.
"Hello, Your Highness," Jonas sneered then tossed the banana skin over his shoulder thus revealing his True Evil Nature. Everyone knew only ancient garbage was Good.
"I see you've rumbled my scam. But you'll never take me alive copper!" From out of nowhere again something appeared - an Alien Weapon!!!!! "This is a de-atomizer. When I push this button, here, a red beam will shoot out and totally destroy you, you Clever and Handsome Symbiote!"
With that, Jonas aimed his weapon.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" The cry was ripped from the creamy white throat of the Lovely Samantha as she ran out of the elevator, the Also Lovely Janet and Not Lovely At All O'Neill following with a gurney that held the Shol'va. She leapt forward, intending to Sacrifice herself for her Future Lord, struggling to free herself as Janet also leapt forward and pulled her back, wanting to make the sacrifice herself. "Back off, you selfish hussy!" Samantha screamed at Janet and launched herself at Jonas. She was Too Late. For the Mighty Symbiote Pounded his tail against the skateboard and flipped into the air in a really cool move like they do on TV. The skateboard flew true, straight into Jonas' face. The beam went wide, totally disintegrating the door marked 'Fruit and Veg'. Smoke billowed, a pillar crashed and wooden beams, statues and rocks fell down and Junior had to dodge nimbly to avoid being crushed. As the smoke cleared people could be seen tied to chairs and a voice cried out: "Oh thank our god! We are Saved!"
It was DANIEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Holy Hannah!" Samantha exclaimed in her Cute way as she paused from beating up Jonas. "Look!"
O'Neill raced forward to untie Daniel, running his hands over his face, hair, neck, shoulders, arms, wrists, hands, thighs and feet (which were bare and Amazingly Clean) obviously checking to see if the Future Host was undamaged and still a worthy vessel for such a Magnificent Symbiote. Heroically, O'Neill attempted mouth-to-mouth on Daniel, which seemed a bit unnecessary but O'Neill was a Thorough Man if Totally Stupid and only vaguely a possibility for a First Prime.
The Gentle Janet exclaimed as she untied the others: "Nyan! Catherine! Ernest! Skaara! Ferretti! Stan! People who appeared briefly in Fifth Race! What happened?!"
Nyan stumbled out into the corridor and glared at Jonas. "It was him!" he spat out, pointing at the now thoroughly beaten Jonas who was lying, dazed, at Samantha's feet. "He said he was going to join SG-1 and take over the world, get the girl and steal Daniel's fish! He said no one ever ate fruit and veg voluntarily so no one would ever find us in here. Anyone who could possibly be considered as a replacement for Daniel who had established their Worthiness and built up audience affection in past episodes was kidnapped and brought here!" Nyan began sobbing on the Lovely Samantha's shoulder, fortunately not getting mucus or gunk in her Beautiful Golden Hair.
Jonas lifted his head from beneath Samantha's right boot. "Yes, it was me! I used my alien technology to make the glowy lights and alien chemicals like Tyler used in 'The Fifth Man' to make you believe anything I wanted and to Like Me! BWAHAHAHA! And you stupid Humans fell for it!!!! And I would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for that pesky but still Admirable and Awesome Snake who should be running this place!!!!!"
"I never liked him," O'Neill muttered to Daniel but Daniel had more important things to discuss. He leapt to his feet, graceful as a gazelle then fell to his knees before his Future Lord and Master, which was a really good look for him, looking Incredibly Handsome as he gazed at Junior with endearing adoration.
"Oh, Junior!!!" Daniel sobbed, his blue eyes shining like really pretty stars. Adoringly, he picked up his Future God and pressed his cheek against the Mighty Symbiote's head. "You Saved Me! You Saved us all and I Love your new battle Scar!! You can't possibly need another year to mature." Ripping open his t-shirt to reveal the firm and Lovely chest beneath, Daniel said throbbingly, "Take me! Take me now! Let Us Be One!"
It was sooooo tempting to Bless Daniel in that instant especially with O'Neill glaring at them in the background. Junior's Mighty Goa'uld heart had Broken when Daniel had seemed to die and now Daniel was here before him, healthy and golden and radiant. But...It Was Not Time!
Brushing his head against Daniel's cheek in farewell, Junior Heroically and Nobly refused his Future Host. He launched himself towards the Shol'va and landed in the empty pouch as neatly as cowboys do when they jump from balconies onto horses and don't hurt their Family Jewels. The Noble Symbiote began the tiresome task of healing the Shol'va. The sound of Jonas squealing and an alien weapon being used made Junior's scar and heart Glow with Happiness. The next sound was of O'Neill tripping over the banana skin and landing on his head and Junior's Contentment and Sense of All Being Right with the World was Complete.
The End