BT0 - capítulo 01
“I can’t believe this place is almost empty… Well, it’s early anyway”.
Amanda had taken a Kodama at Tokyo Station, so it took her around 50 minutes to get to Atami. She had gotten up at 5, gone to the station at 6 and taken the Shinkansen at 7.
“Damn. 8:15??? Are you serious? Gosh, I need to do something with my insomnia”.
The morning felt comfortable. It was cold, but since Amanda had arrived to Japan she had wanted to go to the beach, so she didn’t really care, and anyway, the half an hour she had been walking had already warmed her up.
“Atami is really all people say it is...”
Amanda was walking on the beach, very close to the water. The sun was shining and she thought she was lucky there was no one around because she was giggling stupidly at the beautiful sight.
She had walked away from the main part of the beach, to a place where you couldn’t see buildings or shops, but just sand and some rock walls. Suddenly a human shape appeared some meters away from where she was. Amanda only could see the person’s back as they were walking the same direction.
“Maybe insomnia is common nowadays…” she laughed.
Amanda didn’t care much about the person and kept walking. However, her eyes fell on the person again, and as she was closer, she was able to see it was a man. A very attractive man who obviously cared a lot about how he looked as he was wearing very fancy clothes which matched perfectly.
Amanda felt curious and walked a bit faster to come closer to the man and, all of a sudden, the man looked at the sea, and so Amanda was able to recognise the man’s face.
“Oh my Goodness… It can’t be… Yes, it’s him… But it can’t be!”
Jaejoong didn’t seem to feel Amanda’s presence. He just kept walking and Amanda started giggling so much her face was hurting.
“What the hell do I do? What the hell do I tell him? Damn!”
Amanda knew she had to go to Jaejoong and say something but what? She didn’t want to say the usual shit. But she knew she had to go. She had to say something.
“Well, it’s not like I’m going to see him again, so…”
Amanda ran to Jaejoong and now he felt someone coming closer, so he turned around. He didn’t really have time to leave the place since Amanda was already in front of him when he noticed her.
“Hello, I’m Amanda” she said in very clear Japanese.
“Hello…” Jaejoong answered, nervously.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you, I just think I can’t pretend you’re not here. I don’t want to disturb you, but… Damn, you sing so beautifully, your voice is just amazing… Not that you have the greatest technique ever, but… I love your voice, JJ”
Jaejoong smiled when she called him JJ. He just smiled and Amanda kept talking.
“I know you probably want to be alone, so I’m just going to add that I’m really sorry about all that has happened to the group lately. You make people happy. You, Yunho, Changmin, Yoochun and Junsu make people happy and inspire people. I don’t know if you feel guilty or you regret any of what you did, guys. I don’t know if you feel betrayed either. All I know is that a person should do what they think is going to make them happy. And if things didn’t turn out as you expected, well, then, you still have to remember there are many people out there supporting you. Music is all that matters. And you’ll be fine as long as you have your music…”
Jaejoong looked at Amanda and couldn’t answer anything. Amanda felt embarrassed, so she blushed, but she continued.
“Sorry… I know it isn’t really my business, but I don’t know. If I were you I would wake up every morning wondering whether what I did was the right thing to do… Whether it was worth…”
“I… Well…”
“Hahhhahaha, don’t worry, you don’t need to say a thing. I’m glad I could talk to you. I’m going to leave you alone now. Sorry again. And smile… To achieve a dream might be difficult and might hurt, but… We trust you, guys. I trust you, JJ”.
Amanda smiled to Jaejoong and left. Just like that. She didn’t turn around to see whether he was still looking at her or not. She just walked away, going back to where she started.
Jaejoong couldn’t move for some seconds. That girl was extremely strange. And she was extremely right too. He felt guilty and wondered if everything was worth every single day. But she was also right when she said a person should do what they think is the best for them.
“How come didn’t I ask him for a picture????? I’m so stupid ><”
Amanda stopped and turned around. Jaejoong was still visible. He was walking the other way and he was far from her so she didn’t know Jaejoong actually turned around a couple of times to look at her before he realised that fan was not going to come back to him.
“Anyway, I shouldn’t be interested in her coming back, but… How come didn’t she ask me for a picture?? Do I look that simple this morning?? I should have gone home last night”.
Amanda left the beach and started walking around Atami. It was sad that she didn’t really pay attention to anything since Atami is a very beatiful place, but she could hardly think of something else but Jaejoong.
“He looked gorgeous, damn, and nobody will believe I met him. How many possibilities do I have to meet Jaejoong in such a place with no one else around and have him just for me??? Am I stupid or what?”
A woman was staring at Amanda with wide open eyes. The girl probably had a mental problem, talking to herself in Ingrish.
“And why the hell am I speaking like Junsu?? Geez!! I need sugar ><”
Amanda went back to a shop which was close to the beach. The shop had called her attention since she had seen a very similar shop in some Japanese TV program. She went in and asked for a chocolate and an iced tea can.
“Make them two cans”.
Jaejoong was standing behind her, wearing sunglasses and a mask which he didn’t have on before. Amanda opened her mouth but no word came out of it.
The man gave the cans and the chocolate to Jaejoong and Amanda hurried to take her money out.
“No, you better take this. I’m gonna pay”.
“Are you crazy? Am I gonna lose the chance to say I invited you to some iced tea? The hell I am! I pay”.
Jaejoong laughed and went out of the shop while Amanda paid. As she was walking out the shop she was thinking what she was going to do to look natural and not fall all over Jaejoong and kiss him.
“This is yours”.
“Thanks”.
Jaejoong gave one of the iced teas and the chocolate to Amanda and started walking. She, of course, followed him. Jaejoong took off the mask and put it in his pocket. He also took off his sunglasses and put them on his head. Amanda was about to faint at Jaejoong’s cuteness when he started talking again.
“Why didn’t you ask me for a picture? That was strange”.
Amanda couldn’t believe her ears. She was laughing so hard she almost leaked all her tea.
“Come on, you can’t be such a camera whore!”
And as she realised what she had said she covered her mouth and blushed.
“It’s just… The first thing everyone does is asking for an autograph or a picture. You just talked… And talked… And talked. And then left!! What the hell was all that anyway?”
“Sorry… I didn’t mean to insult you or bore you. I just said what it came to my mind, which was obviously not working. I must admit I wanted to be original though”.
“Nobody talks about the lawsuit to us. That was new, definitely”.
“I’m sorry. I just… I always tried to imagine what I would say to you if I met you. And all I knew was I didn’t want to say the regular things… Anyway, I had to say I love your voice, but then… Everything else is something I thought nobody really says…”
“So, were you lying?”
“Not at all. But I would lie if I say I didn’t plan it”.
“So, were you trying to manipulate me? Trying to look interesting so I would… I dunno, follow you and buy you some tea?”
“I was the one who paid for the tea!!”
“Hhahahahha, sure it was you”.
“All I said was real. I just think… Any fan would try to say something special, so you fall for her or something. I’m not saying I think you fell for me, but…”
“But I’m here anyway, ain’t I?” said Jaejoong with a low voice.
“The question is why you’re here” said Amanda with a lot of self-confidence.
“The question is why you think I feel guilty”.
Jaejoong was thinking how cool the girl was, being so honest and direct, but he was still feeling nervous because of her words. Amanda looked at Jaejoong and noticed he was looking down and his lips were a bit open.
“Then… That’s why you’re here… That’s why you followed me…”
“In fact, it is not like nobody talks to us about the lawsuit. Actually, many people mention it, making it obvious or not that obvious. It’s just nobody ever dared to tell me ‘If I were you, I would feel guilty’”.
Amanda took a deep breath. She looked at Jaejoong and then she let her breath out of her lungs. She was nervous, but she wouldn’t have another chance to tell him what she really thought.
“SME trained you and taught you many things. Of course, for them, that was investment. And yes, the contract was unfair. Really unfair. But you’ve hurt many people, including yourselves… And I’m not saying you shouldn’t have done it, coz actually I would have done the same, but… Even though now you’re still making music, I somehow know you wake up every morning thinking ‘it should be the five of us’…”
Jaejoong had been looking at Amanda the whole time as she was talking but when Amanda said that last sentence Jaejoong looked away. Amanda also looked at some other thing as she continued.
“If you couldn’t stand it anymore than you needed to stop all that, of course. But I would feel guilty everytime I think of the fans, and I would wonder if it was worth everytime I miss Changmin or Yunho”.
Amanda opened her chocolate and ate it. Jaejoong didn’t talk for so long that amanda had enough time to finish the chocolate and drank half her iced tea. She tried really hard not to look at Jaejoong, but it was really difficult. When she couldn’t stand the silence anymore she took Jaejoong’s hand and cried.
“I am sorry, really, I’m not trying to blame you or anything. I just don’t know what to think anymore. I see you hurting while you sing and, what the hell is a fan supposed to do? It’s not like I can buy SME and hire you all again and all that shit, JJ. I can not rewind all this nightmare and though I love the new songs, I just-”
Jaejoong held Amanda’s hand so tight that she shut up instantaneously. Jaejoong looked at her and smiled to her, but his eyes were red and very teary.
“Tha-”
“If you say thank you, I’m gonna kill you, JJ!!” said Amanda, wiping her tears.
“Then, I’m not gonna say it” said Jaejoong, with a sad smile on his face.
Jaejoong let Amanda’s hand go and looked down again. Amanda took the empty can Jaejoong had on his hands and got rid of it and her own. Jaejoong just looked at her, walking away, walking closer. Amanda smiled when she noticed he was following her with his eyes. When she was just in front of him again she asked:
“May I hug you?”
Jaejoong laughed. Amanda blushed.
“No…” answered Jaejoong, seriously.
“Oh, okay, sorry… I just… Thought you needed a hug…” Amanda pouted.
“Isn’t it all the way around?” Jaejoong laughed at her.
“Maybe…”
“Why don’t you just hug me? There’s no one around who can stop you”.
“You can stop me!! And I would die if you did!!!”
“Hahahahaha… I’m not gonna stop you”.
Amanda felt how her heart shrinked. Was Jaejoong flirting with her? Maybe he was just trying to be nice, but the way he and she were talking wasn’t nice at all since they met again at the shop. They were cursing and talking as if they really thought it wasn’t really important how to address each other. Jaejoong himself was surprised at how he naturally talked to that girl. She wasn’t beautiful or attractive. She was not ugly either, but he knew it was not physical. Maybe chemistry? Who knows. All Jaejoong knew was he was really being too natural with a fan who might run to her computer and write many things.
“No one will believe me anyway…”
“What?” Jaejoong wondered if she was reading his mind.
“If I hug you, I will always have the feeling that it didn’t happen. Even though I will be the happiest person on earth if I have you in my arms, I will have the feeling it didn’t happen since even if I say it to someone they won’t believe it… And something isn’t real if it’s not shared…”
Jaejoong smiled. This girl was way too complicated and way too simple at the same time. However, he realised he was starting to really like being with her.
“I’m starting to feel stupid”.
“What? Why?”.
“There are many things I don’t usually think of. For instance, whether I am real if I live away from people and no one knows me…”
“I wouldn’t mind to be dreaming right now…”
Jaejoong opened his eyes widely and looked at Amanda so intensively that she blushed and looked away. He realised he really liked to be with her.
“You should write so-”
He couldn’t finish the word ‘songs’ because Amanda had already moved close to him and hugged him so tight that he couldn’t speak due to the surprise. Jaejoong froze a moment, feeling the girl’s arms around his waist and her head on his chest. He moved his arms, and when he was bout to hug her back, she moved away.
“Sorry…”
Amanda’s cheeks were so red that Jaejoong couldn’t help to fall a bit for that lady. He was confused. He really wanted to hug her as well, but she didn’t give him time to. Maybe, that was the best. He shouldn’t be so familiar with a fan anyway.
“It’s ok… Hahahhahaha, don’t be so shy!”
Jaejoong tried to sound natural, but he could guess his own nervousness as he was talking.
“Aren’t you afraid, JJ?”
“Why?” once again, Jaejoong felt as if she was reading his mind.
“I am a fan. I can write a lot of shit on internet”.
“Hahahahha… True, but… As you said, no one will believe you anyway. And… Somehow, I trust you… I don’t know why, hahahhhaha… I just… I trust you, Amanda”.
“GEEZ! Do you remember my name???”
“LOL, yes, I do… You remember mine, don’t you?”
“Yeah, but that’s different, baka xD”
Jaejoong and Amanda laughed together. They both felt comfortable with each other. Amanda was not that nervous anymore, as she had already hugged her fandom, and Jaejoong was not that nervous anymore, as his fan had already hugged him.
They smiled to each other and Jaejoong started walking to the beach. Amanda didn’t move. She was trying to breath regularly again, looking at Jaejoong while her heart was beating hard.
“Aren’t you coming?” asked Jaejoong, slightly screaming.
Amanda giggled a bit and then ran to Jaejoong. He looked at her and laughed. This girl was seriously strange. Saying deep things, behaving like a little girl.
“If I hold your hand, will you be afraid of me?”
Jaejoong laughed nervously and covered his mouth with his hand as he usually does when he’s nervous or doesn’t really know what to say. Amanda suddenly had an odd feeling, as if she was really dreaming and it was not really important what she did anymore. She looked at Jaejoong and got really close to him. He didn’t move. Amanda took Jaejoong’s left hand with her right hand and stood in fron of him. She touched Jaejoong’s face with her other hand and smiled. When he saw her smile and felt her hand on his face, Jaejoong felt goosebumps in his stomach and laughed nervously again.
“I so shouldn’t let you do this”.
“What? I just took your hand. Are you feeling nervous?”
“Hahahahhhaha… Maybe…”
Amanda let Jaejoong’s hand go and laughed while she ran away from Jaejoong. He just looked at her again. He realised he definitely loved to be with her.
“Come on, let’s walk! We need to talk!”
“Talk about what?” asked Jaejoong when he was finally next to her.
“I have many questions”.
“LOL, questions about what?”
“Is YunJae real?”
Jaejoong laughed so hard for so many seconds that he couldn’t breath well for at least two minutes.
“What do you think?”
“What do I think? I think YunJae is, first, some lame excuse for the fans to think that you’re not going to love another girl but them, and, second, some nice friendship which is sometimes one-sided. Looks like Yunho has way too many friends for your taste, and you are selfish and want ‘your members’ just for you… hahahhahhaha”
“It’s true I’m selfish” admitted Jaejoong.
“So???”
“What do you want me to say? That I fuck Yunho? Sorry, but I don’t. I love my friends and for me it is really difficult to have girl friends. Also, if I hugged Boa, for example, that would be a bigger problem that just some gay rumours going around. I like how perverted my fans are anyway… Hahahhahaha. Have I kissed guys? Yes. Does that mean I’m gay? Not at all!”
“I don’t believe you…”
“WHAT? Why? xDDDDD”
“I think you like Yunho as much as Yuchun likes Junsu”.
“You’re biased” Jaejoong laughed. He noticed Amanda was kidding, but he still asked “Are you serious?”.
“No. LOL”.
“Have you ever kissed a girl?”.
“I am the one making questions!!!”
“Have you? You didn’t look surprised when I mentioned I’ve kissed guys”.
“Yeah, I’ve kissed a couple of friends on their lips to say hello or bye. Girls or guys. I don’t really care. All I know is I can’t fall in love or make love to a woman… Maybe just a girly faced guy like you… But not a woman”.
“What are you damn saying?”
“Come on, Jaejoong, you are way too beautiful >< And you have a nicer waist than mine. Definitely!”
“I like your waist”.
The wind stopped blowing. The sea stopped singing. The time stopped passing.
“Wh- What?”
“I’m just saying that you look like a person who can see beauty over someone’s genre…”
“Jaejoong, babo!!”
They laughed together again, looking at each other, feeling goosebumps at every glance they shared. Amanda was so happy that she was still wondering whether all that was happening was real.
“Was that all what you wanted to ask?”
“No, actually, it wasn’t that xD I just gave it a try. LOL”
“Hahahahha, then…”
“I want to ask you many things. I’ve seen so many videos, I’ve heard you say so many things… It is like I know you, but I don’t. Not for real. And… It feels strange to think that I know you when I don’t know you at all”.
“Do you wanna see through me…?”
“Yes. So I can look at you and see YOU… Not my fandom”.
“That’s fine with me”.
“Is it?!”
“Baka… Yes, it is. BUT!”
“But?” Amanda pouted.
“I will also make questions… About you… Is it ok?”
“Of course, it is…”
When Jaejoong asked her whether he could make questions about her she was so happy that she was giggling way too much. Amanda was grateful Jaejoong was a bit shy about his own request and he was now looking at the sea, without looking at her.
Amanda tried to calm herself. She and Jaejoong started walking and talking about many things. Amanda made a lot of questions and Jaejoong laughed at almost everything she said or asked. He was happy to answer everything, even though some questions were odd. It was nice to talk about himself naturally and not being afraid of being judged or anything. Jaejoong was really enjoying his time with Amanda.
Amanda herself was surprised. Jaejoong was actually being honest. You could easily tell he was comfortable with her, and that made her deeply happy.
They talked and walked on the beach for almost two hours.
“Are you hungry?” Jaejoong asked suddenly.
“Not really. Just a bit maybe” said Amanda.
“Do you wanna have lunch with me?”.
Amanda’s smile was so big that it seemed it didn’t fit her face.
“Yes, but no”.
“What is that now?” laughed Jaejoong.
“I wouldn’t like to be seen with you… I mean. What if someone takes a picture and gets the wrong idea? I am ugly. It would be bad for you, and also, I hate pictures ><”
“You’re really stupid, aren’t you?”.
“Why are you saying that again??? I didn’t think you were the type of person to tell a girl she is stupid so easily!!!”
“Sorry, I mean… I didn’t mean you’re actually stu- What?”
Amanda had started laughing hard. She was touched about Jaejoong’s concern when she complained about his words.
“I don’t mind you call me baka… I just didn’t think it would come out of your mouth so easily ¬¬”
“I… Just feel comfortable with you, and… I behave like that with… Close people…”
Jaejoong blushed. He didn’t even know why he was saying she was close.
“What about going back to Tokyo and have lunch there?”
Jaejoong smiled and bit his lower lip softly.
“Good. Let’s go. Where’s your car?”
“Car? Are you serious? I don’t have a car”.
“Then we’re using just my car, aren’t we?”
“Unless you want me to ride the Shinkansen and meet you in Tokyo”.
“Baka xDDDDDDD”
Jaejoong was surprised Amanda took the comment of the car so seriously. He was getting used to her doing that, changing from a self-confident woman to a cute and easily embarrased girl. And he was enjoying all that. He smiled to her, took her hand and led her to the car as he said:
“Let’s go!”