Mission 1 Continued
The opening sentence of chapter three brought forth an interesting item.
“A suitcaase?” Joyce asked as Ed grabbed the object in question. “I knew Ed had a suitcase, but I didn’t know about the suitcaase.”
“Flippin’ misspell-” Singsong broke off and stared open-mouthed as Ed, Armstrong, and the Sue made their way to Havoc and the car, where the Sue got upset at the blonde officer for doing his job.
"sorry miss this isn't a taxi you know." he was trying to be polite and was doing his job, Mei knew this but still wanted to strangle the man for stopping her,
"Moron." she muttered so no one else heard then called "Ed!" the said alchemist turned and looked at her blue eyes before sighing and going back to grab her wrist and reasure Havoc that she was safe and was his substitute for Al temperarily.
“How dare you call Havoc a moron when you know that he’s just doing his job?” Singsong demanded, looking downright livid at seeing one of her lust objects mistreated.
“And who says you’re Al’s substitute?” Joyce added, petting All protectively. She looked at her partner, who was grumbling under her breath.
“Impetuous little… The poor man’s got enough problems in his life as is, don’t you dare…” Her fists were clenching dangerously.
“Um…careful Singsong.”
Singsong looked at her hands. “Oh.” Slowly, ever so slowly, her fingers relaxed. She scowled at the Sue as the car drove away, and took a moment to read the Words. “Great. During the car ride, she calls herself ‘a well bred country girl’, and then goes on to say that she’s ‘a bit of both really, country and city’.” She shook her head in disgust.
“Can we just portal to the next chapter?” Joyce asked hopefully.
“Yeah, sure.”
They came out at Military Headquarters, where the Sue was imitating Winry, albeit badly. Joyce scowled as she watched her not-actual-brother get pestered by the Sue, who was acting like an undisciplined five-year-old.
"wow wow wow wow!!" she repeated in a pitched and equaly speedy voice tugging gently at Ed's sleeve "Looka that, cool. can you see." Ed looked thoughrouly unimpressed by her lack of composre when it came to entering what seemed like an every day building for all the others around her "hey where i come from the guards outside of the queens palace aren't allowed to move, are some of these guys like that?"
“Is being annoying a charge?” Joyce asked hopefully.
“It can be.”
They followed the Sue, Ed, and Havoc (Armstrong had, apparently, fallen through a plothole) as they went up the stairs. Ed and the Sue started complaining about Mustang’s office being on the third floor.
“Excuse me?” Singsong asked. “Third floor? The Sue’s tongue is hanging out of her mouth en route to the third floor?” She snickered. “Wait ‘till I tell Anjilly…she had to dash up three flights of stairs twice a day back before she joined the PPC. And I’ve gone up a couple hundred flights of stairs at a time at HQ.”
Joyce, meanwhile, looked miffed. “Ed wouldn’t be exhausted before reaching the third floor. That’s all I’m going to say.”
They watched with amusement as the Sue collapsed “anime style” on her face.
“Wimp,” Singsong smirked.
They made it to Roy’s office, where Havoc thought about the Sue’s appearance.
“Yes, yes, we get it, she’s dark, angsty, and likes the colors black and red,” Joyce scowled. “At least my description was well-written.”
“Her mouth is cat-shaped. How’s that possible?” Singsong asked. “And how come her eyes get such a long run-on sentence?”
however the feature that was most striking to him was her eyes they big like you would see in a child and deep ocean blue someone could probably really get lost into her eyes as they seemed to acctually be as deep as the ocean that they reflected the most starling feature of her eyes wasn't simply their color or the fact that they looked like a huge puddle that covers about a third of the planets surface but that they reflected her mood with both movement and how the light inside them shone.
“Uh, Singsong?”
“Yeah?”
“The room’s filling up with water.”
Singsong frowned. “Well, I guess this is the ocean that her eyes are reflecting…”
“What do we do in a situation like this?”
Singsong frowned. “Um…”
The Sue and Ed made their way into Mustang’s office.
“Let’s just…follow them for now.” She sloshed towards Mustang’s office through the water, which was halfway to her knees. Joyce quirked an eyebrow, but followed.
Once inside, the ex-Sue suddenly froze. Mustang was sitting at his desk.
“Oh, isn’t that convenient?” Singsong asked as Mustang heard the Sue’s name and wondered where he’d heard it before. “Honestly, I-Joyce?”
Joyce was staring at Mustang, a sort of glazed look in her eyes, and Brenden’s words suddenly came back to Singsong.
“You know, State Alchemist, Ishbal Massacre, had an angsty romance with Roy Mustang…”
Singsong did the first thing she could think of. She slapped Joyce across the face.
“Ouch!” the blonde exclaimed. “What was-”
“Don’t you dare go all Suvian on me, or so help me Eru, I’ll tie you down and force you to watch No-Drool videos.”
Joyce flinched. “No-Drool videos?” she asked, sounding terrified. At Singsong’s answering nod, she gulped. “Sorry, sorry, it won’t happen again.”
“Better not.”
Meanwhile, Ed and the Sue started arguing over what the Sue had been thinking, while Mustang took a phone call with Hughes that only served for him to ask Hughes to look up information on the name Dearle. There was a stupid part where the Sue happily said that she’d been thinking about how some tree out the window would be perfect for a treehouse, and Ed turned to stone, ‘anime style’.
"What is that all??"
"Well yeah, what were you expecting?" a vein could be seen throbbing in his temple and with a loud shout he chased after the girl who in turn screamed and ran away running circles in the Colonel's office in a failed atempt at escaping the blonde, who put his alchemic skills to work and transmuted a wall in front of the black haired girl who hadn't actually hadn't practised Alchemy but seeing the gate she knew as much of the theory as Ed did, and clapping her own hands together she made stone hands come out of the floor and catch her persuer by the ankles, making him drop flat on his face and clapping again anouther couple of hands held onto his wrists stopping him from performing any alchemy or moving more than an inch for that matter, the bonds were tight but not so that they would hurt her captive.
Joyce’s eye was twitching sporadically. The gigantic run-on sentence, the blatant disregard for all the studying needed to perform alchemy, the Sue’s sudden and random amazing alchemic skills, and Ed’s easy defeat were all colliding nicely to form some first-rate bloodlust. “Can we kill her yet?”
Singsong swallowed her bleeprin before answering. “Don’t you want to wait until she meets the Homunculi?”
“But-but-she’s-look at her!” Joyce was indignant. “She’s pointlessly asserting her superiority, and gloating over him, and teasing him and-and treating him like a dog.”
“Well, there is the whole Dog of the Military theme, you know…”
“And Roy isn’t doing anything! He’s just standing there, watching the clock tick, and-oh, no, is he leaving? Roy wouldn’t leave his subordinate in the clutches of a monster!”
“He’s under the Sue’s influence. Give him a break.”
“And now she’s squatting down and petting him and-STOP SEXUALLY HARRASSING MY BROTHER YOU-Mmmphhff!”
Singsong had the presence of mind to clamp a hand over her partner’s mouth and duck behind Mustang’s desk. Mei looked up for a moment, confused, but quickly went back to Ed.
"i don't think you're in any position to tell me to do anything, Mr Elric." she replyed emphasising the 'mr' in that sentance and moving so that she sat on his back to be in a more comfortable position to stroke his braid rather than squatted on the floor, she ran her fingers down the braid a few times enjoying the feeling of the strands of hair beneath her fingertips, before leaning forwards slightly and stealing his hair band and letting his hair loose nowbrushing her hands through hair to untangle it from it's twisted state, Ed had long since stopped complaining for shock of what she was doing to his long blonde locks the red elastic around her wrist.
“Would you keep it quiet?” Singsong demanded as they sped on into chapter five.
“But…but she’s…”
Singsong fished out some bleeprin from her pocket. “Here, have this. It helps.”
Joyce gratefully accepted and leaned back against the desk, sighing. All hopped into her lap, and she pet him absent-mindedly. “Are they all this bad?”
“Not all. Some are worse.” This didn’t seem to help Joyce feel any better, so she added, “You get used to it.”
Joyce groaned.
They made it through the Sue wondering over why she was doing this, and then stopping, and then angsting. “Major” Hughes entered, meaning to give Roy the information on the Dearles (“How did he find the information that fast?”) and started making fun of Ed and Mei’s predicament, joined by Hawkeye. After making them agree to keep quiet about it, Ed and the Sue left the office. The assassins followed.
“Why isn’t there any water anymore?” Joyce asked as they went through the office.
“I’m guessing it drained out through all the plotholes.”
“Ah.”
They followed Ed and the Sue to a random corridor, where the twosome didn’t quite make out before Ed slung the Sue over his shoulder and headed into room that was, apparently, his.
The resulting hormone-driven scene was enough to make Singsong down half of her bleeprin. Joyce merely stared in horror.
“I…I at least had well written…sex…scenes…Oh, Truth,” she added, turning away to protect her not-actual-brother’s modesty. Or whatever was left of it, thanks to the Sue.
“Charge for conspiracy to usurp Winry as Ed’s love interest,” Singsong said weakly. “You want some bleeprin?”
“Sure. Thanks. Can minis have bleeprin?”
All’s fur was sticking up straight, and he looked scarred for life. Watching your older brother have sex could do that to you.
“Dunno.”
“I’m giving it to him anyway.”
Chapter six, thankfully, was not a sex scene. It was, however, Hughes and Roy learning that the Dearles were a pair of state alchemists from sixty years ago who’d disappeared ten years after becoming state alchemists.
“How were they state alchemists?” Singsong wondered. “Bradley was created sixty years ago. How would he appoint them?”
There was a sudden scene change, and Ed and the Sue were interrupted in the middle of making out when Roy called.
"FullMetal, i want you in my office, Now!"
FullMetal-a sort of dog chimera-scampered over to the agents, and was positively delighted to see All. Joyce cooed at the brotherly affection.
“That’s an exceptionally mini mini,” Singsong observed. FullMetal instantly started barking angrily.
“I think he got Ed’s defensiveness of his size,” Joyce smirked, petting the chimera on the head. Singsong turned back to the fic and scowled as Ed got fresh with Roy, threatening to disobey orders just to sound rebellious.
“He could be court-martialed for that, you know.”
“Want to just portal ahead to where she learns about her grandparents?” Joyce asked, reading the Words.
“Yeah, sure.”
Joyce scooped up FullMetal and All as Singsong opened a portal. They came out to find Hughes showing the Sue a picture
"Grandma . . . Grandpa. . ." her voice trailed off Hughes looked confused in the background she looked up then realising she was acting like a child she hardened her voice so it sounded normalish and said to him "These are my grandparents. my grandfather died 15 years ago when i was a few months old and my grandmother 3 years ago, when i was twelve." she frowned 'they can't be the same. . .it's impossible' she recognised them from a wedding photo they had shown her rather than their withered forms as she remembered.
“Oh, so she thinks that old people have ‘withered forms’?” Joyce scowled. “Is it just me, or does that strike you as rude?”
“Pertaining to this girl, it’s actually rather polite.”
Joyce muttered something that sounded like “statutory rape” as she held FullMetal protectively.
“You know, that depends on the age of consent, and they never really say what that is in Amestris.” Singsong thought a moment. “Though it’s a sort of forties- or fifties-like time period, despite the year being in the 1910s, so I’d assume the laws on sex are pretty strict…” She trailed off as Ed entered the room and demanded of the Sue if her origins were true.
"I'm sure you know about the gate, or the door." he nodded "I was born and raised on the other side, my grandparents on my father's side must have crossed the gate fifty years ago and that's how they disapeared." no one said anything as Mei sat there like the first time she had been sent to the head's office at school for beating a kid up because he was teasing her, but this felt worse she sat staring at a spot on the floor everything around her becoming a blur as she tried to think all this new information through and all the theories that were floating about in her head.
“Oh, stop angsting,” Joyce scowled.
"Impossible." Ed finally spat obviously annoyed at her.
"No it's not... and you know it." her voice was stern but soft the kind of tone you would use to a hyperactive child who refused point blank to do something. Ed continued to scowl at her as if she had threatened his little brother.
So was Joyce. “How is he supposed to know it? He hasn’t even gone through the Gate yet!”
“Charge for sending now three people through the Gate without any negative effects,” Singsong said. She listened as the Sue said that she didn’t want to go back home because her life there sucked, and because of sentimental reasons as well, of course.
"Besides if these people really are the grandparents i've come to love then i belong here anyways right??" they thought before seeing to the logic behind her talk.
“Logic? What logic?”
“Are you sure that’s why you want to stay here? Getting in my brother’s pants doesn’t count?”
“Joyce…”
“Sorry.”
Chapter seven started in the first person.
I walked down another corridor in search of the stairs and sighed heavily, i should have pretended not to know what they were talking about instead of just caving lke that but i couldn't lie to Ed. As i rounded another corner aimlessly, i was greeted by a rather large stature.
"Miss this is a military building how did you get in here." said the deep voice the figure posing to show of his strong muscles, i sweat dropped as Armstrong took on several different poses before giving me a chance to answer.
"Umn, well you see i'm acctually supposed to be here." i began trying hard not to laugh from being weirded out so much
“But…but…” Singsong was confused. “But she already met Armstrong! He escorted her here! She-OOF!” Joyce had suddenly tackled her to the ground. “What was that for?”
“Sorry. That noose was about to get you.”
“Noose?” Singsong looked to where she’d been standing. “Oh. A logic loophole. Thanks.”
“Armstrong annoys her for a bit more, and then we learn that Hughes is really Envy,” Joyce said, reading the Words.
“Portal ahead?”
“Please.”
They came out at a flashback.
"Sis... sis!" a girl ran from the basement up a flight of stairs looking for someone "I heard the door. Is anyone there?" the black haired 5 year old stopped as she caught sight of an older girl lying on the floor which was wet with blood, before a man with dark brown hair and tanned skin standing over the slightly moving 10 year old who eventualy managed to push herself up to a half sitting possition not trying to stop the blood from flowing from the bullet wounds in her legs. Her eyes begging to the man, for her life. "SIS!!" the older turned to the younger and both pairs of eyes widened as anouther shot was heard a bullet making a hole in the carpet.
“What’s the point of this?” Joyce asked.
“Cause for more angst.”
“Ah. Who’s the murderer?”
“She describes him as having red eyes and a weird accent…not to mention he seems upset that she’s related to her grandparents. Scar, maybe? She never specifically says, though, so it isn’t really him.”
The Sue woke up from her bad dream and angsted in Ed’s arms. Joyce scowled through the whole scene, until they were suddenly wrenched to Hughes’ whereabouts-the real Hughes, that is.
They watched as he ran from the Homunculi, only to be murdered right on Mustang’s doorstep at the end of the chapter.
“Yeesh…”
“Killing Hughes for more angst? Come on, was that really necessary?”
In chapter nine, Al and Winry had shown up for the funeral. Then Ed and the Sue had some mushy moment outside the library where she pointed out that it was raining.
“Stealing Roy’s concept,” Joyce scowled. “The nerve.”
“This chapter is senseless,” Singsong sighed. “It’s just a lot of mush and-”
Chapter ten started out at the tail end of a sex scene. Joyce started to turn red, then green, and finally settled on urple.
“You know what?” Singsong asked. “Let’s just portal to where the Homunculi are holding her prisoner. We can kill her then. You know, when she’s wearing clothes. We have to kill her before she selflessly sacrifices herself, anyway.”
“Good idea.”
They portalled to Dante’s nondescript lair, where Dante was trying to goad the Sue into creating the Philosopher’s Stone.
"Well, well, Mei Dearle... I've heard about you." i rolled my eyes as she continued "Apparently you're from the other side of the gate" I looked at her a little taken aback.
"Wha...? um... wait who even cares?" i folded my arms and tried to look as if i really didn't care "I know more about you than you about me." i boasted, she scoffed.
"Really?" she took a few steps closer so she was in my face "I know that to have come from the other world, you know how to make the philosophers stone." it was a statement, i said nothing. "i also know that you will make the stone for me." she moved away towards the large wooden door with Envy closely behind, and just as he was closing the door he said to me
"And don't bother trying to escape, or you'll end up the same way as the Major."
"You Bastards!" i shouted as the door closed and a flsh of light indicating i was being sealed in so i couldn't alchemise my way out of this rather large room, i ran to the door and banged on it shouting insults and empty threats at it.
“Now?” Joyce asked hopefully.
“Yep. You do the honors.”
Joyce happily put All and FullMetal on the ground, handed the charge list to Singsong, and pulled out her pistol. The assassins approached the Sue.
“Ahem,” Singsong cleared her throat. The Sue turned to face them, and Singsong looked to the charge list. “Mei Dearle, you are hereby charged with raping the English language, especially seeing as you’ve claimed to have edited this fic ; excessive angst for the sake of angst; making Pinako sound stupid; randomly coming through the Gate with little to no sacrifice and some scratches and sending two other people through the Gate with no negative effects; intentionally and cruelly taunting Ed about his height; creating two mini-chimeras, to whit, All and FullMetal; wantonly revealing to the Elrics that you know their secret; creating a stupid excuse that undermines the entire point that Al’s body must be kept secret and causing the Elrics to actually buy said stupid excuse; using Armstrong as a wanton plot device; creating a murderer worse than Scar; not being scared of the prospect of said murderer; separating the Elrics so you can fulfill your fantasies, using fangirl Japanese; insulting people who you know are just doing their job; being annoying; flooding Mustang’s office; beating Ed in alchemy; sexually harassing Ed; conspiracy to usurp Winry as Ed’s love interest; killing off both canon and non-canon characters simply for the sake of angst; and”-here Singsong took a quick look at the Words they hadn’t gotten to yet-“I can’t really include these, but you were going to have Dante hold Ed and the others hostage to force you to make a Philosopher’s Stone-without any of the materials necessary to make one in the area. Also, conspiracy to selflessly sacrifice yourself to cause Ed to angst. Last but not least, for being a Mary-Sue. The punishment for these crimes is death. Any last words?”
“what? but you can’t!!”
Joyce aimed her pistol. Mei screamed and started pounding on the door again. Thankfully, whatever plothole that had caused her to not use her alchemy was still in effect. There was a loud bang, and the Sue’s body dropped to the ground, glittery pink blood oozing from the back of her head.
“Good job,” Singsong praised.
“Thanks.”
“Now, let’s dispose of the body. Lab Five should be crawling with chimeras…”
They portalled to Lab Five, gave Tucker’s creations a snack, stopped FullMetal from abusing any chimera that made a point about its height, and then portalled back to their response center.
“Well,” said Joyce, “that was fun.”
“Uh-huh,” said Singsong, heading straight towards her stash. Wrenching the cabinet doors opened, she pulled out several bags of skittles.
“What do we do with the chimeras?” All and FullMetal were sniffing around the RC.
“No idea.” Singsong tore the bags of candy open and started eating. Joyce watched bemusedly.
“Well,” she said, “I think I’m going out for a walk.”
“Sure.”
After an indeterminate time of meandering through the hallways, Joyce found herself standing in front of RC #486. She knocked.
“…Yeah?” a preoccupied voice called from beyond.
“Anj? It’s me. Joyce.”
“Oh! Come on in!”
She did, and found a frazzled-looking Anjilly Ka holding a mountain of rags as she tried to wipe glittery pink blood off of her partner, Brenden Sanderson. The man was completely covered in the stuff.
“Um…is everything okay?” Joyce asked worriedly.
“We just got back from a mission,” Anjilly explained quickly. “Star Wars Sue. Someone had the great idea to blow her up.” She glared at Brenden, who smirked.
“Hey, it worked, didn’t it?”
“Oh, Eru,” Anjilly scowled at the glitter she was trying to wipe off his arm. “It’s congealing.”
“Can I do anything?” Joyce asked.
“Not really. I think I’m just going to take him to Medical.”
“I don’t need to go to Medical for this! I’ll just take a shower!”
Anjilly ignored him and gave up on the glitter. “So, how’d the first mission go?”
“Wasn’t bad,” Joyce answered. “Painful. Annoying. Watched my little brother have sex. But I killed her, and it’s over.”
“Actually,” Brenden grinned, “it’s only just begun. Anj, could you maybe keep trying? Maybe get some soap and water…”
“Brenden. You’re drenched in Sue blood. I don’t want to think about what negative effects it’ll have on your IQ. We’re going to Medical.” To prove her point, she grabbed his arm-wincing at the glitter that got on her hands-and dragged him out of the RC. Joyce followed.
“You can’t take me to Medical, Anj! I swear, that one nurse hates me!”
“Well, good for you, Joyce,” Anjilly smiled encouragingly, ignoring her partner’s protests. “I’m glad we got you out of that fic of yours. Had the feeling you’d make a good agent. And Singsong needed a partner, after Dazey…”
“There’s just one thing I’m not sure about,” Joyce said.
“Yeah?”
“You told me that Singsong is kinda…off…but she seemed normal enough to me. Were you just exaggerating or something?”
Anjilly blanched. Brenden was laughing. “Didn’t I say you should just let Singsong be her normal self? Look, now you’ve given poor Joyce false hope.”
“What?” Joyce asked. Anjilly looked apologetic.
“Well…I kinda…”
“She made Sing promise to lay off the sugar for your first mission together,” Brenden smirked. “Apparently, it makes her calm down. Now that that’s over, she’s probably pouring it down her throat as we speak…”
Joyce suddenly understood the skittles. “Oh, no,” she said.
“Sorry,” Anjilly said meekly.
“I have to go,” Joyce said, running down the hallway. “See you later!”
“Don’t run!” Brenden shouted. “It’ll only take longer to get back!” Joyce didn’t appear to hear him, as she sped around a corner. “Well, nice going Anj.”
“Shut up.”
Fic Notes: All in all, this Sue was just…annoying. Between the run-on sentences and random mood swings, she was just…stupid. Very much so. Especially when the author claimed to have reworked the fic. Apparently she didn’t edit the grammar. I’m just glad the Sue’s dead.
About the minis, if anyone knows who their respective owners are, please tell me. Otherwise, they’re going to stay with Singsong and Joyce.
Link to fic PPC'd, for those of you with Morbid Curiosity: Following a dream, Living a nightmare
“A suitcaase?” Joyce asked as Ed grabbed the object in question. “I knew Ed had a suitcase, but I didn’t know about the suitcaase.”
“Flippin’ misspell-” Singsong broke off and stared open-mouthed as Ed, Armstrong, and the Sue made their way to Havoc and the car, where the Sue got upset at the blonde officer for doing his job.
"sorry miss this isn't a taxi you know." he was trying to be polite and was doing his job, Mei knew this but still wanted to strangle the man for stopping her,
"Moron." she muttered so no one else heard then called "Ed!" the said alchemist turned and looked at her blue eyes before sighing and going back to grab her wrist and reasure Havoc that she was safe and was his substitute for Al temperarily.
“How dare you call Havoc a moron when you know that he’s just doing his job?” Singsong demanded, looking downright livid at seeing one of her lust objects mistreated.
“And who says you’re Al’s substitute?” Joyce added, petting All protectively. She looked at her partner, who was grumbling under her breath.
“Impetuous little… The poor man’s got enough problems in his life as is, don’t you dare…” Her fists were clenching dangerously.
“Um…careful Singsong.”
Singsong looked at her hands. “Oh.” Slowly, ever so slowly, her fingers relaxed. She scowled at the Sue as the car drove away, and took a moment to read the Words. “Great. During the car ride, she calls herself ‘a well bred country girl’, and then goes on to say that she’s ‘a bit of both really, country and city’.” She shook her head in disgust.
“Can we just portal to the next chapter?” Joyce asked hopefully.
“Yeah, sure.”
They came out at Military Headquarters, where the Sue was imitating Winry, albeit badly. Joyce scowled as she watched her not-actual-brother get pestered by the Sue, who was acting like an undisciplined five-year-old.
"wow wow wow wow!!" she repeated in a pitched and equaly speedy voice tugging gently at Ed's sleeve "Looka that, cool. can you see." Ed looked thoughrouly unimpressed by her lack of composre when it came to entering what seemed like an every day building for all the others around her "hey where i come from the guards outside of the queens palace aren't allowed to move, are some of these guys like that?"
“Is being annoying a charge?” Joyce asked hopefully.
“It can be.”
They followed the Sue, Ed, and Havoc (Armstrong had, apparently, fallen through a plothole) as they went up the stairs. Ed and the Sue started complaining about Mustang’s office being on the third floor.
“Excuse me?” Singsong asked. “Third floor? The Sue’s tongue is hanging out of her mouth en route to the third floor?” She snickered. “Wait ‘till I tell Anjilly…she had to dash up three flights of stairs twice a day back before she joined the PPC. And I’ve gone up a couple hundred flights of stairs at a time at HQ.”
Joyce, meanwhile, looked miffed. “Ed wouldn’t be exhausted before reaching the third floor. That’s all I’m going to say.”
They watched with amusement as the Sue collapsed “anime style” on her face.
“Wimp,” Singsong smirked.
They made it to Roy’s office, where Havoc thought about the Sue’s appearance.
“Yes, yes, we get it, she’s dark, angsty, and likes the colors black and red,” Joyce scowled. “At least my description was well-written.”
“Her mouth is cat-shaped. How’s that possible?” Singsong asked. “And how come her eyes get such a long run-on sentence?”
however the feature that was most striking to him was her eyes they big like you would see in a child and deep ocean blue someone could probably really get lost into her eyes as they seemed to acctually be as deep as the ocean that they reflected the most starling feature of her eyes wasn't simply their color or the fact that they looked like a huge puddle that covers about a third of the planets surface but that they reflected her mood with both movement and how the light inside them shone.
“Uh, Singsong?”
“Yeah?”
“The room’s filling up with water.”
Singsong frowned. “Well, I guess this is the ocean that her eyes are reflecting…”
“What do we do in a situation like this?”
Singsong frowned. “Um…”
The Sue and Ed made their way into Mustang’s office.
“Let’s just…follow them for now.” She sloshed towards Mustang’s office through the water, which was halfway to her knees. Joyce quirked an eyebrow, but followed.
Once inside, the ex-Sue suddenly froze. Mustang was sitting at his desk.
“Oh, isn’t that convenient?” Singsong asked as Mustang heard the Sue’s name and wondered where he’d heard it before. “Honestly, I-Joyce?”
Joyce was staring at Mustang, a sort of glazed look in her eyes, and Brenden’s words suddenly came back to Singsong.
“You know, State Alchemist, Ishbal Massacre, had an angsty romance with Roy Mustang…”
Singsong did the first thing she could think of. She slapped Joyce across the face.
“Ouch!” the blonde exclaimed. “What was-”
“Don’t you dare go all Suvian on me, or so help me Eru, I’ll tie you down and force you to watch No-Drool videos.”
Joyce flinched. “No-Drool videos?” she asked, sounding terrified. At Singsong’s answering nod, she gulped. “Sorry, sorry, it won’t happen again.”
“Better not.”
Meanwhile, Ed and the Sue started arguing over what the Sue had been thinking, while Mustang took a phone call with Hughes that only served for him to ask Hughes to look up information on the name Dearle. There was a stupid part where the Sue happily said that she’d been thinking about how some tree out the window would be perfect for a treehouse, and Ed turned to stone, ‘anime style’.
"What is that all??"
"Well yeah, what were you expecting?" a vein could be seen throbbing in his temple and with a loud shout he chased after the girl who in turn screamed and ran away running circles in the Colonel's office in a failed atempt at escaping the blonde, who put his alchemic skills to work and transmuted a wall in front of the black haired girl who hadn't actually hadn't practised Alchemy but seeing the gate she knew as much of the theory as Ed did, and clapping her own hands together she made stone hands come out of the floor and catch her persuer by the ankles, making him drop flat on his face and clapping again anouther couple of hands held onto his wrists stopping him from performing any alchemy or moving more than an inch for that matter, the bonds were tight but not so that they would hurt her captive.
Joyce’s eye was twitching sporadically. The gigantic run-on sentence, the blatant disregard for all the studying needed to perform alchemy, the Sue’s sudden and random amazing alchemic skills, and Ed’s easy defeat were all colliding nicely to form some first-rate bloodlust. “Can we kill her yet?”
Singsong swallowed her bleeprin before answering. “Don’t you want to wait until she meets the Homunculi?”
“But-but-she’s-look at her!” Joyce was indignant. “She’s pointlessly asserting her superiority, and gloating over him, and teasing him and-and treating him like a dog.”
“Well, there is the whole Dog of the Military theme, you know…”
“And Roy isn’t doing anything! He’s just standing there, watching the clock tick, and-oh, no, is he leaving? Roy wouldn’t leave his subordinate in the clutches of a monster!”
“He’s under the Sue’s influence. Give him a break.”
“And now she’s squatting down and petting him and-STOP SEXUALLY HARRASSING MY BROTHER YOU-Mmmphhff!”
Singsong had the presence of mind to clamp a hand over her partner’s mouth and duck behind Mustang’s desk. Mei looked up for a moment, confused, but quickly went back to Ed.
"i don't think you're in any position to tell me to do anything, Mr Elric." she replyed emphasising the 'mr' in that sentance and moving so that she sat on his back to be in a more comfortable position to stroke his braid rather than squatted on the floor, she ran her fingers down the braid a few times enjoying the feeling of the strands of hair beneath her fingertips, before leaning forwards slightly and stealing his hair band and letting his hair loose nowbrushing her hands through hair to untangle it from it's twisted state, Ed had long since stopped complaining for shock of what she was doing to his long blonde locks the red elastic around her wrist.
“Would you keep it quiet?” Singsong demanded as they sped on into chapter five.
“But…but she’s…”
Singsong fished out some bleeprin from her pocket. “Here, have this. It helps.”
Joyce gratefully accepted and leaned back against the desk, sighing. All hopped into her lap, and she pet him absent-mindedly. “Are they all this bad?”
“Not all. Some are worse.” This didn’t seem to help Joyce feel any better, so she added, “You get used to it.”
Joyce groaned.
They made it through the Sue wondering over why she was doing this, and then stopping, and then angsting. “Major” Hughes entered, meaning to give Roy the information on the Dearles (“How did he find the information that fast?”) and started making fun of Ed and Mei’s predicament, joined by Hawkeye. After making them agree to keep quiet about it, Ed and the Sue left the office. The assassins followed.
“Why isn’t there any water anymore?” Joyce asked as they went through the office.
“I’m guessing it drained out through all the plotholes.”
“Ah.”
They followed Ed and the Sue to a random corridor, where the twosome didn’t quite make out before Ed slung the Sue over his shoulder and headed into room that was, apparently, his.
The resulting hormone-driven scene was enough to make Singsong down half of her bleeprin. Joyce merely stared in horror.
“I…I at least had well written…sex…scenes…Oh, Truth,” she added, turning away to protect her not-actual-brother’s modesty. Or whatever was left of it, thanks to the Sue.
“Charge for conspiracy to usurp Winry as Ed’s love interest,” Singsong said weakly. “You want some bleeprin?”
“Sure. Thanks. Can minis have bleeprin?”
All’s fur was sticking up straight, and he looked scarred for life. Watching your older brother have sex could do that to you.
“Dunno.”
“I’m giving it to him anyway.”
Chapter six, thankfully, was not a sex scene. It was, however, Hughes and Roy learning that the Dearles were a pair of state alchemists from sixty years ago who’d disappeared ten years after becoming state alchemists.
“How were they state alchemists?” Singsong wondered. “Bradley was created sixty years ago. How would he appoint them?”
There was a sudden scene change, and Ed and the Sue were interrupted in the middle of making out when Roy called.
"FullMetal, i want you in my office, Now!"
FullMetal-a sort of dog chimera-scampered over to the agents, and was positively delighted to see All. Joyce cooed at the brotherly affection.
“That’s an exceptionally mini mini,” Singsong observed. FullMetal instantly started barking angrily.
“I think he got Ed’s defensiveness of his size,” Joyce smirked, petting the chimera on the head. Singsong turned back to the fic and scowled as Ed got fresh with Roy, threatening to disobey orders just to sound rebellious.
“He could be court-martialed for that, you know.”
“Want to just portal ahead to where she learns about her grandparents?” Joyce asked, reading the Words.
“Yeah, sure.”
Joyce scooped up FullMetal and All as Singsong opened a portal. They came out to find Hughes showing the Sue a picture
"Grandma . . . Grandpa. . ." her voice trailed off Hughes looked confused in the background she looked up then realising she was acting like a child she hardened her voice so it sounded normalish and said to him "These are my grandparents. my grandfather died 15 years ago when i was a few months old and my grandmother 3 years ago, when i was twelve." she frowned 'they can't be the same. . .it's impossible' she recognised them from a wedding photo they had shown her rather than their withered forms as she remembered.
“Oh, so she thinks that old people have ‘withered forms’?” Joyce scowled. “Is it just me, or does that strike you as rude?”
“Pertaining to this girl, it’s actually rather polite.”
Joyce muttered something that sounded like “statutory rape” as she held FullMetal protectively.
“You know, that depends on the age of consent, and they never really say what that is in Amestris.” Singsong thought a moment. “Though it’s a sort of forties- or fifties-like time period, despite the year being in the 1910s, so I’d assume the laws on sex are pretty strict…” She trailed off as Ed entered the room and demanded of the Sue if her origins were true.
"I'm sure you know about the gate, or the door." he nodded "I was born and raised on the other side, my grandparents on my father's side must have crossed the gate fifty years ago and that's how they disapeared." no one said anything as Mei sat there like the first time she had been sent to the head's office at school for beating a kid up because he was teasing her, but this felt worse she sat staring at a spot on the floor everything around her becoming a blur as she tried to think all this new information through and all the theories that were floating about in her head.
“Oh, stop angsting,” Joyce scowled.
"Impossible." Ed finally spat obviously annoyed at her.
"No it's not... and you know it." her voice was stern but soft the kind of tone you would use to a hyperactive child who refused point blank to do something. Ed continued to scowl at her as if she had threatened his little brother.
So was Joyce. “How is he supposed to know it? He hasn’t even gone through the Gate yet!”
“Charge for sending now three people through the Gate without any negative effects,” Singsong said. She listened as the Sue said that she didn’t want to go back home because her life there sucked, and because of sentimental reasons as well, of course.
"Besides if these people really are the grandparents i've come to love then i belong here anyways right??" they thought before seeing to the logic behind her talk.
“Logic? What logic?”
“Are you sure that’s why you want to stay here? Getting in my brother’s pants doesn’t count?”
“Joyce…”
“Sorry.”
Chapter seven started in the first person.
I walked down another corridor in search of the stairs and sighed heavily, i should have pretended not to know what they were talking about instead of just caving lke that but i couldn't lie to Ed. As i rounded another corner aimlessly, i was greeted by a rather large stature.
"Miss this is a military building how did you get in here." said the deep voice the figure posing to show of his strong muscles, i sweat dropped as Armstrong took on several different poses before giving me a chance to answer.
"Umn, well you see i'm acctually supposed to be here." i began trying hard not to laugh from being weirded out so much
“But…but…” Singsong was confused. “But she already met Armstrong! He escorted her here! She-OOF!” Joyce had suddenly tackled her to the ground. “What was that for?”
“Sorry. That noose was about to get you.”
“Noose?” Singsong looked to where she’d been standing. “Oh. A logic loophole. Thanks.”
“Armstrong annoys her for a bit more, and then we learn that Hughes is really Envy,” Joyce said, reading the Words.
“Portal ahead?”
“Please.”
They came out at a flashback.
"Sis... sis!" a girl ran from the basement up a flight of stairs looking for someone "I heard the door. Is anyone there?" the black haired 5 year old stopped as she caught sight of an older girl lying on the floor which was wet with blood, before a man with dark brown hair and tanned skin standing over the slightly moving 10 year old who eventualy managed to push herself up to a half sitting possition not trying to stop the blood from flowing from the bullet wounds in her legs. Her eyes begging to the man, for her life. "SIS!!" the older turned to the younger and both pairs of eyes widened as anouther shot was heard a bullet making a hole in the carpet.
“What’s the point of this?” Joyce asked.
“Cause for more angst.”
“Ah. Who’s the murderer?”
“She describes him as having red eyes and a weird accent…not to mention he seems upset that she’s related to her grandparents. Scar, maybe? She never specifically says, though, so it isn’t really him.”
The Sue woke up from her bad dream and angsted in Ed’s arms. Joyce scowled through the whole scene, until they were suddenly wrenched to Hughes’ whereabouts-the real Hughes, that is.
They watched as he ran from the Homunculi, only to be murdered right on Mustang’s doorstep at the end of the chapter.
“Yeesh…”
“Killing Hughes for more angst? Come on, was that really necessary?”
In chapter nine, Al and Winry had shown up for the funeral. Then Ed and the Sue had some mushy moment outside the library where she pointed out that it was raining.
“Stealing Roy’s concept,” Joyce scowled. “The nerve.”
“This chapter is senseless,” Singsong sighed. “It’s just a lot of mush and-”
Chapter ten started out at the tail end of a sex scene. Joyce started to turn red, then green, and finally settled on urple.
“You know what?” Singsong asked. “Let’s just portal to where the Homunculi are holding her prisoner. We can kill her then. You know, when she’s wearing clothes. We have to kill her before she selflessly sacrifices herself, anyway.”
“Good idea.”
They portalled to Dante’s nondescript lair, where Dante was trying to goad the Sue into creating the Philosopher’s Stone.
"Well, well, Mei Dearle... I've heard about you." i rolled my eyes as she continued "Apparently you're from the other side of the gate" I looked at her a little taken aback.
"Wha...? um... wait who even cares?" i folded my arms and tried to look as if i really didn't care "I know more about you than you about me." i boasted, she scoffed.
"Really?" she took a few steps closer so she was in my face "I know that to have come from the other world, you know how to make the philosophers stone." it was a statement, i said nothing. "i also know that you will make the stone for me." she moved away towards the large wooden door with Envy closely behind, and just as he was closing the door he said to me
"And don't bother trying to escape, or you'll end up the same way as the Major."
"You Bastards!" i shouted as the door closed and a flsh of light indicating i was being sealed in so i couldn't alchemise my way out of this rather large room, i ran to the door and banged on it shouting insults and empty threats at it.
“Now?” Joyce asked hopefully.
“Yep. You do the honors.”
Joyce happily put All and FullMetal on the ground, handed the charge list to Singsong, and pulled out her pistol. The assassins approached the Sue.
“Ahem,” Singsong cleared her throat. The Sue turned to face them, and Singsong looked to the charge list. “Mei Dearle, you are hereby charged with raping the English language, especially seeing as you’ve claimed to have edited this fic ; excessive angst for the sake of angst; making Pinako sound stupid; randomly coming through the Gate with little to no sacrifice and some scratches and sending two other people through the Gate with no negative effects; intentionally and cruelly taunting Ed about his height; creating two mini-chimeras, to whit, All and FullMetal; wantonly revealing to the Elrics that you know their secret; creating a stupid excuse that undermines the entire point that Al’s body must be kept secret and causing the Elrics to actually buy said stupid excuse; using Armstrong as a wanton plot device; creating a murderer worse than Scar; not being scared of the prospect of said murderer; separating the Elrics so you can fulfill your fantasies, using fangirl Japanese; insulting people who you know are just doing their job; being annoying; flooding Mustang’s office; beating Ed in alchemy; sexually harassing Ed; conspiracy to usurp Winry as Ed’s love interest; killing off both canon and non-canon characters simply for the sake of angst; and”-here Singsong took a quick look at the Words they hadn’t gotten to yet-“I can’t really include these, but you were going to have Dante hold Ed and the others hostage to force you to make a Philosopher’s Stone-without any of the materials necessary to make one in the area. Also, conspiracy to selflessly sacrifice yourself to cause Ed to angst. Last but not least, for being a Mary-Sue. The punishment for these crimes is death. Any last words?”
“what? but you can’t!!”
Joyce aimed her pistol. Mei screamed and started pounding on the door again. Thankfully, whatever plothole that had caused her to not use her alchemy was still in effect. There was a loud bang, and the Sue’s body dropped to the ground, glittery pink blood oozing from the back of her head.
“Good job,” Singsong praised.
“Thanks.”
“Now, let’s dispose of the body. Lab Five should be crawling with chimeras…”
They portalled to Lab Five, gave Tucker’s creations a snack, stopped FullMetal from abusing any chimera that made a point about its height, and then portalled back to their response center.
“Well,” said Joyce, “that was fun.”
“Uh-huh,” said Singsong, heading straight towards her stash. Wrenching the cabinet doors opened, she pulled out several bags of skittles.
“What do we do with the chimeras?” All and FullMetal were sniffing around the RC.
“No idea.” Singsong tore the bags of candy open and started eating. Joyce watched bemusedly.
“Well,” she said, “I think I’m going out for a walk.”
“Sure.”
After an indeterminate time of meandering through the hallways, Joyce found herself standing in front of RC #486. She knocked.
“…Yeah?” a preoccupied voice called from beyond.
“Anj? It’s me. Joyce.”
“Oh! Come on in!”
She did, and found a frazzled-looking Anjilly Ka holding a mountain of rags as she tried to wipe glittery pink blood off of her partner, Brenden Sanderson. The man was completely covered in the stuff.
“Um…is everything okay?” Joyce asked worriedly.
“We just got back from a mission,” Anjilly explained quickly. “Star Wars Sue. Someone had the great idea to blow her up.” She glared at Brenden, who smirked.
“Hey, it worked, didn’t it?”
“Oh, Eru,” Anjilly scowled at the glitter she was trying to wipe off his arm. “It’s congealing.”
“Can I do anything?” Joyce asked.
“Not really. I think I’m just going to take him to Medical.”
“I don’t need to go to Medical for this! I’ll just take a shower!”
Anjilly ignored him and gave up on the glitter. “So, how’d the first mission go?”
“Wasn’t bad,” Joyce answered. “Painful. Annoying. Watched my little brother have sex. But I killed her, and it’s over.”
“Actually,” Brenden grinned, “it’s only just begun. Anj, could you maybe keep trying? Maybe get some soap and water…”
“Brenden. You’re drenched in Sue blood. I don’t want to think about what negative effects it’ll have on your IQ. We’re going to Medical.” To prove her point, she grabbed his arm-wincing at the glitter that got on her hands-and dragged him out of the RC. Joyce followed.
“You can’t take me to Medical, Anj! I swear, that one nurse hates me!”
“Well, good for you, Joyce,” Anjilly smiled encouragingly, ignoring her partner’s protests. “I’m glad we got you out of that fic of yours. Had the feeling you’d make a good agent. And Singsong needed a partner, after Dazey…”
“There’s just one thing I’m not sure about,” Joyce said.
“Yeah?”
“You told me that Singsong is kinda…off…but she seemed normal enough to me. Were you just exaggerating or something?”
Anjilly blanched. Brenden was laughing. “Didn’t I say you should just let Singsong be her normal self? Look, now you’ve given poor Joyce false hope.”
“What?” Joyce asked. Anjilly looked apologetic.
“Well…I kinda…”
“She made Sing promise to lay off the sugar for your first mission together,” Brenden smirked. “Apparently, it makes her calm down. Now that that’s over, she’s probably pouring it down her throat as we speak…”
Joyce suddenly understood the skittles. “Oh, no,” she said.
“Sorry,” Anjilly said meekly.
“I have to go,” Joyce said, running down the hallway. “See you later!”
“Don’t run!” Brenden shouted. “It’ll only take longer to get back!” Joyce didn’t appear to hear him, as she sped around a corner. “Well, nice going Anj.”
“Shut up.”
Fic Notes: All in all, this Sue was just…annoying. Between the run-on sentences and random mood swings, she was just…stupid. Very much so. Especially when the author claimed to have reworked the fic. Apparently she didn’t edit the grammar. I’m just glad the Sue’s dead.
About the minis, if anyone knows who their respective owners are, please tell me. Otherwise, they’re going to stay with Singsong and Joyce.
Link to fic PPC'd, for those of you with Morbid Curiosity: Following a dream, Living a nightmare