[portrait of an anj, part i]
I think a lot these days. I don't have much to say, but I think a lot. Oftentimes I write those thoughts down, just to get them out, to try and make them make some sense. Conversations with friends, self-reflection, a slow and gradual understanding of things...it all coalesces, bit by bit, and changes me along with it. So I figured I'd share. As always, though, feel free to skip. Also, I'm leaving comments on (but screened), in case something strikes a chord with you and you want to chat about it, but this is mostly for my own sake and I'm really not looking for any replies.
on being asian
I am very lucky to have such understanding parents. When I was younger, they let me go out and do things with my friends after school, and even let me have friends over. They didn't force a religion on me, or a language, or a husband, they didn't make me immerse myself in the culture, they didn't force me into the mould of a typical Indian girl/woman...they didn't make me be anything but me, the Canadian girl I grew up as. They wanted me to have all the opportunities I could possibly want, even if they had to struggle to help me have them. And they did, on more than one occasion. I was lucky to be able to go to college. I was lucky they've always been there for financial support when I would've been screwed otherwise, even when it was a hardship for them. I was lucky to be allowed to choose my own major, a college far from home, a career track that has my grandparents rolling over in their graves.
All things considered, I've had it pretty good. Being the child of an immigrant, full stop, is difficult, since your parents came to this country for new opportunities, and they've had to work their fingers to the bone to find a grip in the first place, so it's up to the kids to show that their efforts haven't been in vain. They want to know that everything they've done to try to eke out a better life has been worth it. And being the child of an Asian only increases that exponentially. I don't know if it's the product of the culture itself, or the product of the rest of the world's expectations, or (most likely) some combination, but the fact remains that being Asian anywhere is an extremely difficult prospect.
From a very young age, we're ingrained with the feeling that our entire self-worth is based on how successful we are. And the definition of success isn't negotiable. It's not...be the best you can be, or make it into this financial bracket, or live your life the best way you can, or be proud of your accomplishments. If you're not the best at everything you do, you're not working hard enough. You're not trying hard enough. You're failing, somewhere. Maybe you're letting yourself slide by having too much fun, going out to see a movie on a Saturday night instead of studying those extra two or three hours. Maybe you decided to get eight hours of sleep, when you really only need four, and what are you thinking cutting into your work time like that?! Maybe you're paying attention to your friends, or are actually contemplating a romantic relationship, when there's no time for social engagements of any sort - shame on you! And physical/mental health breaks are not acceptable excuses - you shouldn't need them. You should be better than that.
In short...Asians aren't people. We're robots. Working machines. We've been programmed with the "right" genetic code, the "right" abilities and skills and potential, and there is no excuse for mediocrity. You got a 98% on the last test you took? What happened to the other two points? You were only fourth in your graduating class? How on earth did someone beat you? You were employee of the month? Why haven't you been before? There's such an obsession with pushing yourself beyond the limits of human possibility, and when you inevitably crumble under the pressure, have a nervous breakdown, end up depressed or angry or alcoholic or lonely because you've alienated everyone else in your life by being so obsessive about achievement, clearly it's because you are a pathetic excuse for a human being. You should've managed all of that better. But not spent time on it, because there are better things to be doing with your time.
Hobbies? We don't have hobbies. We don't do anything because we like it. If we pick something up because we like it, then it will certainly become work, something we have to be the best at, and we pretty soon forget why we even liked it in the first place. Most people get good at their hobbies because they like them, but we like our hobbies because we're good at them. We like the feeling of being good at something, and we often confuse that with enjoyment of the thing itself, which is very rarely the case. If it was something we did like in the first place, chances are it'll go two ways. If we're good at it, then we work our asses off at getting better, because we start to like the feeling of being good more than the thing itself until the enjoyment of something for its own sake dwindles into nothing, and we can only enjoy it so long as we continue being good at it. If we're not good at it, or if someone comes along who's better, we hate ourselves for not being good at it, and have so much pressure about it that we'll either keep slogging through trying to get better and getting no enjoyment out of it at all, or we'll give up on it and hate ourselves for that weakness. And the thing itself, which we liked so much once, we'll loathe now for having defeated us.
There's this ridiculous attitude that involves seeing the world through such a narrow spectrum that there is no way to win. "Eyes on the prize" is a given - the "prize" being ultimate superiority in anything and everything you choose to approach. But you're also supposed to be able to be the best, naturally, at everything else in life. Ingrained social skills that allow you to be the most popular person you know, to have the most beautiful husband/wife and the most gorgeous, well-mannered, and precocious children. Physical fortitude that means stress doesn't affect you one tiny bit - perfect skin, gloriously thick and pitch-black hair, a brilliant white smile, not an ounce of fat on you, and god forbid you have any medical problems that you can't overcome by sheer force of will. You should be able to pick up absolutely anything and excel at it right away, or if not, maybe you're allowed a tiny grace period to perfect it. But you shouldn't have to work at any of that. And if it turns out that you fail in one or more of these areas, then there's something wrong with you, and why didn't you work on them before?! Hindsight is always 20/20, but this concept eludes people completely, because obviously you should know better and you should've thought of all that stuff already. Should've planned for it. If you don't have a plan for every single contingency, then you've failed in that aspect of things as well.
The funny thing is, that doesn't apply to anyone else. If you've ever had an Asian friend tell you that oh, they're so impressed by this accomplishment of yours, or wow, however did you manage to do that, or you're totally the best at this other thing, chances are they mean it wholeheartedly. Accomplishment is such the golden ticket of Asian life that we certainly know how to recognise it and admire it. In others. We can't do that in ourselves though. We're always looking forward, never back. We never stop and say 'wow, look how far we've come'; we only can see how far we still have to go, and when it's an endless uphill climb on a staircase that has no top, there's no way to ever be satisfied. In fact, admiring accomplishment in someone else often causes us to go home and beat ourselves up for not being that good, and the flipside of admiration for others is loathing for ourselves. We don't begrudge anyone else their successes, but they only throw into stark relief our own failures and shortcomings, and we wish we could at least have managed to match our friends accomplishment for accomplishment. It doesn't matter if it's an accomplishment we've passed ages ago, and it certainly doesn't matter if you tell us that your accomplishment isn't a big deal compared to what we've achieved. We want you to bask in your success, because that's a luxury we don't have. What we admire most of all is the aura of success that you have once you've faced a challenge head on and you know you've beaten it, because we don't know how to conjure that. And that inability, plus the weakness that makes us want it in the first place, are just two more black marks to add to the ever-lengthening list.
There is no such thing as success for Asians unless you have something to show for it. A title, a certificate, a plaque, an announcement that hey I'm the best!! that you can show off to anyone and everyone you come across. Not to brag, not to boast, not to make them feel inferior, but because you need that in order to consider yourself a worthy human being. The culture is so permeated with self-loathing that everything we do is because we hate who we are. Just being yourself isn't enough. It's never enough. It doesn't matter what you have to show for your life and your work, because there's still all this other stuff you haven't mastered, and if you pause even for a moment to catch your breath, you're showing your weakness, your lack of fortitude, your despicable humanness. It's not that non-Asians are lesser beings, but because we're Asian, our standards are that much higher, and just in order to break even with everyone else, we have to have accomplished so much more just to be worthy to breathe the same air.
Truth is, it doesn't matter how Canadian I am, how Americanised I've become, how proud I should be of who and what I am, how proud my parents are. It's the unspoken expectation that comes from being Asian, raised by Asian parents, who had these expectations from their parents, and their parents, all the way back, that means I am possessed of such self-loathing and the feeling that I will never be good enough. I can't escape the cycle of it. And that's just another failing to add to the list.
on being asian
I am very lucky to have such understanding parents. When I was younger, they let me go out and do things with my friends after school, and even let me have friends over. They didn't force a religion on me, or a language, or a husband, they didn't make me immerse myself in the culture, they didn't force me into the mould of a typical Indian girl/woman...they didn't make me be anything but me, the Canadian girl I grew up as. They wanted me to have all the opportunities I could possibly want, even if they had to struggle to help me have them. And they did, on more than one occasion. I was lucky to be able to go to college. I was lucky they've always been there for financial support when I would've been screwed otherwise, even when it was a hardship for them. I was lucky to be allowed to choose my own major, a college far from home, a career track that has my grandparents rolling over in their graves.
All things considered, I've had it pretty good. Being the child of an immigrant, full stop, is difficult, since your parents came to this country for new opportunities, and they've had to work their fingers to the bone to find a grip in the first place, so it's up to the kids to show that their efforts haven't been in vain. They want to know that everything they've done to try to eke out a better life has been worth it. And being the child of an Asian only increases that exponentially. I don't know if it's the product of the culture itself, or the product of the rest of the world's expectations, or (most likely) some combination, but the fact remains that being Asian anywhere is an extremely difficult prospect.
From a very young age, we're ingrained with the feeling that our entire self-worth is based on how successful we are. And the definition of success isn't negotiable. It's not...be the best you can be, or make it into this financial bracket, or live your life the best way you can, or be proud of your accomplishments. If you're not the best at everything you do, you're not working hard enough. You're not trying hard enough. You're failing, somewhere. Maybe you're letting yourself slide by having too much fun, going out to see a movie on a Saturday night instead of studying those extra two or three hours. Maybe you decided to get eight hours of sleep, when you really only need four, and what are you thinking cutting into your work time like that?! Maybe you're paying attention to your friends, or are actually contemplating a romantic relationship, when there's no time for social engagements of any sort - shame on you! And physical/mental health breaks are not acceptable excuses - you shouldn't need them. You should be better than that.
In short...Asians aren't people. We're robots. Working machines. We've been programmed with the "right" genetic code, the "right" abilities and skills and potential, and there is no excuse for mediocrity. You got a 98% on the last test you took? What happened to the other two points? You were only fourth in your graduating class? How on earth did someone beat you? You were employee of the month? Why haven't you been before? There's such an obsession with pushing yourself beyond the limits of human possibility, and when you inevitably crumble under the pressure, have a nervous breakdown, end up depressed or angry or alcoholic or lonely because you've alienated everyone else in your life by being so obsessive about achievement, clearly it's because you are a pathetic excuse for a human being. You should've managed all of that better. But not spent time on it, because there are better things to be doing with your time.
Hobbies? We don't have hobbies. We don't do anything because we like it. If we pick something up because we like it, then it will certainly become work, something we have to be the best at, and we pretty soon forget why we even liked it in the first place. Most people get good at their hobbies because they like them, but we like our hobbies because we're good at them. We like the feeling of being good at something, and we often confuse that with enjoyment of the thing itself, which is very rarely the case. If it was something we did like in the first place, chances are it'll go two ways. If we're good at it, then we work our asses off at getting better, because we start to like the feeling of being good more than the thing itself until the enjoyment of something for its own sake dwindles into nothing, and we can only enjoy it so long as we continue being good at it. If we're not good at it, or if someone comes along who's better, we hate ourselves for not being good at it, and have so much pressure about it that we'll either keep slogging through trying to get better and getting no enjoyment out of it at all, or we'll give up on it and hate ourselves for that weakness. And the thing itself, which we liked so much once, we'll loathe now for having defeated us.
There's this ridiculous attitude that involves seeing the world through such a narrow spectrum that there is no way to win. "Eyes on the prize" is a given - the "prize" being ultimate superiority in anything and everything you choose to approach. But you're also supposed to be able to be the best, naturally, at everything else in life. Ingrained social skills that allow you to be the most popular person you know, to have the most beautiful husband/wife and the most gorgeous, well-mannered, and precocious children. Physical fortitude that means stress doesn't affect you one tiny bit - perfect skin, gloriously thick and pitch-black hair, a brilliant white smile, not an ounce of fat on you, and god forbid you have any medical problems that you can't overcome by sheer force of will. You should be able to pick up absolutely anything and excel at it right away, or if not, maybe you're allowed a tiny grace period to perfect it. But you shouldn't have to work at any of that. And if it turns out that you fail in one or more of these areas, then there's something wrong with you, and why didn't you work on them before?! Hindsight is always 20/20, but this concept eludes people completely, because obviously you should know better and you should've thought of all that stuff already. Should've planned for it. If you don't have a plan for every single contingency, then you've failed in that aspect of things as well.
The funny thing is, that doesn't apply to anyone else. If you've ever had an Asian friend tell you that oh, they're so impressed by this accomplishment of yours, or wow, however did you manage to do that, or you're totally the best at this other thing, chances are they mean it wholeheartedly. Accomplishment is such the golden ticket of Asian life that we certainly know how to recognise it and admire it. In others. We can't do that in ourselves though. We're always looking forward, never back. We never stop and say 'wow, look how far we've come'; we only can see how far we still have to go, and when it's an endless uphill climb on a staircase that has no top, there's no way to ever be satisfied. In fact, admiring accomplishment in someone else often causes us to go home and beat ourselves up for not being that good, and the flipside of admiration for others is loathing for ourselves. We don't begrudge anyone else their successes, but they only throw into stark relief our own failures and shortcomings, and we wish we could at least have managed to match our friends accomplishment for accomplishment. It doesn't matter if it's an accomplishment we've passed ages ago, and it certainly doesn't matter if you tell us that your accomplishment isn't a big deal compared to what we've achieved. We want you to bask in your success, because that's a luxury we don't have. What we admire most of all is the aura of success that you have once you've faced a challenge head on and you know you've beaten it, because we don't know how to conjure that. And that inability, plus the weakness that makes us want it in the first place, are just two more black marks to add to the ever-lengthening list.
There is no such thing as success for Asians unless you have something to show for it. A title, a certificate, a plaque, an announcement that hey I'm the best!! that you can show off to anyone and everyone you come across. Not to brag, not to boast, not to make them feel inferior, but because you need that in order to consider yourself a worthy human being. The culture is so permeated with self-loathing that everything we do is because we hate who we are. Just being yourself isn't enough. It's never enough. It doesn't matter what you have to show for your life and your work, because there's still all this other stuff you haven't mastered, and if you pause even for a moment to catch your breath, you're showing your weakness, your lack of fortitude, your despicable humanness. It's not that non-Asians are lesser beings, but because we're Asian, our standards are that much higher, and just in order to break even with everyone else, we have to have accomplished so much more just to be worthy to breathe the same air.
Truth is, it doesn't matter how Canadian I am, how Americanised I've become, how proud I should be of who and what I am, how proud my parents are. It's the unspoken expectation that comes from being Asian, raised by Asian parents, who had these expectations from their parents, and their parents, all the way back, that means I am possessed of such self-loathing and the feeling that I will never be good enough. I can't escape the cycle of it. And that's just another failing to add to the list.