[feel free to skip]
This has really just been a horrible week. I can't say I'm too surprised, since it's the week before spring break and that always tends to be stressful no matter what, but it's just...I know I'm irrational, and that being on my period and dealing with all sorts of random shit is making me be more stressed out than usual, but it's all the little things that are getting to me. And it feels so silly when I look at them, all these little stupid things that shouldn't bother me at all, but put together they're making me want to tear through my own skin and I hate it because I feel like I'm going insane and am being really stupid and pointlessly weak, and that just makes it worse.
My week started with a fight with my mother, which is always a good sign, right? She basically said she thinks I'm an idiot. This whole grad school thing is already stressing me out and I've been trying not to think about it since I have to get through what's right ahead of me and I don't have time to luxuriate in thinking about where I'll be six months from now, but she doesn't seem to get that and so she's constantly asking me what are my contingency plans if I don't get in, what am I going to do with myself, what if what if what if, and then when I told her that maybe I'd go try a different school or maybe I'd take a year off and work or maybe I'd do some combination of the above, she says that if I'm just going to end up working a trade job or wandering aimlessly then maybe I should never have gone to college in the first place and I should have gone straight into retail and maybe I'd actually be a manager by now. What the hell is that supposed to mean? It's not like my working some random job in the interim would be because that's what I want to do with the rest of my life, but obviously if I don't get into grad school then I never will and I should have gone career track right from the get go.
So that was loads of fun. And then it's just been...a bunch of random shit since then. Between my stress about that and about the trip stuff (which I keep getting badgered about, ftr), and the work I actually have due this week (of which there is a lot, since it's nearly break), and my job (I had to proctor an exam yesterday as I said, and was feeling ill enough to nearly pass out in the middle of it), and the like... And today was looking like it might actually be a good day, but then I found out that the presentation I gave that I was so proud of only merited a 75, which means I currently have a B in that class, B+ at best, which is PATHETIC. I may have to stab myself if I get anything less than an A-. And you can say I'm being ridiculous all you want, but an A- is bad enough. And then I was looking forward to catching the tail end of this steel drum concert that I've been wanting to see for ages, but class ran over and I missed it. Again, little things, but enough to make me really frustrated and angry and upset and just...
And on top of all that? I feel so lonely right now you have no idea. I don't click with any of the people in my program, and it's really upsetting me a lot. You might say that maybe it'd be better for me if I didn't get in here because then I'd have a chance to start over somewhere else, but I've done that so many times now and I'm tired of it. I don't want to do it anymore. I want to make this work, want to make these connections with people and feel like I actually have colleagues at least, if not friends, but I just...it's so depressing, and I feel like a complete failure in just about every aspect of my life at the moment, and all I really really want right now is a hug and I can't even have one of those. My other alternative is to curl up with a whole lot of chocolate, but that won't solve anything because then I'll just put on more weight and feel even worse. So I'm just going to work through the rest of the shit I have to do this week, get my work done, and then when Sunday rolls around I'm going to curl up in a little ball and forget this whole week happened.
Am disabling comments because I know this is self-indulgent whinging and it's all bullshit really, and I'm already behind enough on comments as it is. So I'm going to go reply to the ones I owe already, and then it's to work with me. If you read this far, I'm sorry for making you listen to all that, but thanks. ♥