Birthdays, Changes, and Childhood
Happy birthday, lysrouge!!!
Lily is one of the most awesome people I know -- she's sweet and fun and I always have a lovely time talking to her. Her Weasley worship is contagious, and she's gotten me hooked on a million and one things, from het to Queer As Folk and everything in between. She's a fantastic fandom presence, always with great ideas, meta and fic, and spurring interesting discussions, and she's kept me sane on more than one occasion just by being her wacky, insane self. So happy birthday, Lils. :D
To everyone else, Happy August!!!
I foresee August being a month of change. Well, don't foresee it -- KNOW it. It's going to be the oddest month in a long time, I think. I don't think I've told anyone this really, but my parents have just sold our house, and are moving out next week. NEXT WEEK. This is after living in this house for um...nearly eleven years, which is longer than any of us have ever lived anywhere. Granted, seven of those eleven years were largely spent away at school for me, but it's still been kind of a home base for me, my grounding force, and now we're moving. On top of that, I'm set to move flats in about three weeks -- I got my apartment downtown, and am moving in at the end of August. Needless to say, there's a lot going on this month just as far as physical location is concerned, plus I have school things to do, and job things to do, and any number of other things, so it's going to be...an interesting experience.
I'm totally ready for it though. I've been stuck in a rut for such a long time, and I've been going through a lot of changes myself recently, rethinking and reprioritising and reorganising my mental and emotional state of being, so I think having these dramatic physical changes to go with the personal changes I've been experiencing will be really good for me. And um, I think I might explain that. It's been a long time in coming. Feel free to skip this, but um, I have to say it anyhow.
Basically um...I'm kind of...emotionally retarded, really. I've spent my whole life being...well, very much Slytherin. Ambitious and driven and resourceful and career-oriented. Like, you know how as a kid, you did that whole 'when I grow up, I want to be a doctor!' or whatever? (Or maybe you didn't, but go with me here.) I did that, but I took it a step further and researched what would be involved to become a doctor, and what class track I'd have to take, so on and so forth. Not so much when I was like, five or six, but at ten and eleven, yeah. My parents were very supportive of me, but they also had very high standards, and as a result, I grew up with very high standards for myself. If I got a 97 on a test, I was angry I'd missed the other three points. Making an A- was out of the question, never mind a B or (god forbid) a C. I learned to read when I was about 2, and from then onward, I lived a lot of my life in books, and then studies, and really, I was hardly a normal kid. I played on a couple sports teams but never really enjoyed it -- the only sports I ever truly loved were skiing (cross-country and downhill, the former from as soon as I was old enough to walk, the latter from when I was about nine) and horseback riding (which I only managed to do for a year before we had to move, woe!). Most of my activities involved books, or board games, or something like that. I did do like...hopscotch and rope and four square and suicide and all that other stuff, but it wasn't really...I dunno. I never felt like I fit in with normal kids.
Mostly it's because my family is...really a unit. We've moved so much and changed schools so much and everything that really, I don't...well, no. I make friends easily, but I don't make like...friends. The older I've gotten, the harder it's been for me to open up to people, to trust people, to talk about myself, whatever, because inevitably we'd leave and that openness would end up feeling like a big gaping hole. Or else they'd leave. I had a lot of friends when I was young move away, or just...lose interest in me or whatever, and it left me feeling...a) like if I shared who I really was, people wouldn't like me anymore, and b) like I had to leave them before they left me (hence my penchant for leaving and moving away and starting over).
Although I don't really do that. When I move to a new place, I like to take people with me. I mean, part of it is that like...I go to an academy and bring my best friend down FROM CANADA to go to school with me. I go off to college and see opportunities, I call up my best friend who is still back at the college where we did highschool and miserable, and tell her to come up and go to school with me, which she did. I go to grad school, my best friend who has no direction/idea what she wants to do comes with me because I suggested she apply there and she got in and we end up getting an apartment together. That sort of thing. So it's like...I've always wanted to go places and start over, but I've had a hard time letting go, because that feeling of being alone -- that I've created for myself by not opening up to people in the first place -- is a really scary one.
My parents are um...they're really supportive, but they have a hard time letting go as well. So they um...they cling to me as much as I cling to them, I think, and it's unhealthy. I depend way too much on my parents' approval and such than someone my age and at my place in life should. Of course, I also depend way too much on their support as well, financial and otherwise. But it's like...I'm so used to them being my rock and the only place I can turn to for support of any sort that pulling away from that is really difficult. But I know I have to do it anyhow because the relationship I have with my mum especially is not healthy. She's...a very strong personality, and so am I, but I've been raised in such a way that speaking back to her (otherwise known as standing up for myself) feels horribly wrong to me, so I've sort of...learned avoidance a bit, but she accuses me of being sullen and yells at me until she gets a reaction out of me, and then yells at me for being weak and 'trying to garner sympathy by crying' and that sort of thing. I mean, don't get me wrong. She's a wonderful person and I love her to death, and I'm far from blameless or perfect. But it's just...it's made me so...submissive and afraid to stand up for myself and convinced of my own lack of self-worth that it's been really...damaging to me, I think. At least, it's taken me from being a Leo who's all...wanting to be dramatic and the centre of attention and go out and get exactly what she wants and confident and bold and whatnot to just...being so subdued and scared of saying the wrong thing and convinced she's really not worth anything no matter how much people tell her that's not the case. And I get mixed signals from my parents too, because they're always telling me I'm worth so much, and then making me feel exactly the opposite, like a big fat (yeah, I get that one a lot) failure. So really it's...I dunno.
Anyhow, the point of all this was that...things have happened over the past few months that have made me take a long hard look at myself. My focus for so so so long has been on getting a good career and being successful and brilliant and making a name for myself and so on and so forth, but really...that's not really what I want. I mean yes, I want a good career, and I want to be successful...but I want a family, a husband I love with all my heart, and (if he's the right one) children I can nurture and adore. I want a group of friends who feel like family to me, with whom I can be comfortable and open and not afraid they're going to hate me for being...well, human. I want happiness. And this career track I'm on right now...I'll get accomplishment and pride out of it, but it's such an empty sort of happiness compared to being surrounded by people I love and knowing they care about me as much as I care about them. This is the problem with being dual-brained, like I am -- I want all the mental/logical/career-oriented things that appeal to that part of me, but I also want the emotional fulfillment and to be caring and loving and sensitive and just shower the people I care about with affection and support and such. And really, I've been denying that latter one so much in favour of the former that it's left me feeling...empty, and frankly, burnt out. I've gotten so used to closing off emotions to be logical and analytical (especially with majoring in science in college), and while I love my friends and would do anything for them, and have always been there for them as much as I know how, I've never opened myself up to them really and let them be there for me.
I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to be closed-off and cold and analytical all the time. I don't want to base my self-worth on my GPA. I don't want my entire future to be career-rich but empty of love and happiness because I couldn't be bothered to take time for me and to focus on strengthening my relationships with people. So I'm not. I've been focussing on myself a lot, trying to get myself properly healthy and to a place where I'm comfortable in my own skin in a way I've never been. I can now fit back into clothes I wore when I was sixteen, after gaining a ridiculous amount of weight in college. I'm still not where I want to be, but I'm getting there, and it makes me feel really good about myself. I'm working on opening up to people and talking to them when things bother me instead of shutting myself away and crying until I manage to get myself under control enough to shut my emotions away again. (Can I just say here that the word control is the bane of my existence? It's formed so much of who I am, and so much of what upsets me about the way I am.) I'm standing up to my parents and not letting them have such a strong influence over me. I'm trying to learn how to live properly as an adult without depending on them so much, and taking care of things I should probably already know how to take care of but have never had reason to because they've always done it for me. I'm...spending time with people I care about, going out and doing fun things, instead of hiding from it and rationalising away the reasons I don't want to go out and enjoy myself when really it's that I'm scared of letting go some of that rigid control I've held myself under for so long.
If you've read this far, I'm sorry for all the rambling, but I needed to say it, and I'm really grateful that you've stuck with me this long. This isn't at all the full picture of me or what I'm trying to do or anything like that, but...it's a start, and it's more of a start than I've ever been able to make. I'll be 23 in a couple weeks, and this is the most open I've ever been in all those years. So...if you did read this, thank you.
Right, so um...happy August and all that. *laughs* Anyhow, to be less...serious and all...right. My birthday's coming up in a couple weeks! I'm going to be 23 on the 19th. I wasn't planning anything for this year, but apparently my mom has some huge regimen planned for me and my sister involving facials, manicures, pedicures, new clothing, makeup, and a fancy dinner. I am not complaining, I have to say, but I wasn't expecting it, so I'm...entertained. I'll be sure to let y'all know how that goes.
The point of the birthday mention was that whenever it gets close to my birthday, I always have this desire to go back to my childhood and remember things about when I was younger. I have a million and one stories I'd love to share someday, and probably will. But for today, reliving my childhood involved finding books that I used to lose myself in when I was younger and just...devour. So I thought, in honour of that, I'd ask you all what your formative books were. What books did you read as a child that you think shaped who you are today? I'm really interested to see what your answers are to this. For my part, I'll give you a short list, though it's by no means comprehensive. :D
A Little Princess, by Frances Hodgson Burnett
The Secret Garden, by Frances Hodgson Burnett
Little Women, by Louisa May Alcott
The Chronicles of Narnia, by C.S. Lewis
Matilda, by Roald Dahl (I also loved The BFG, George's Marvellous Medicine, The Witches, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory/The Great Glass Elevator, James and the Giant Peach, and The Twits.)
Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen
Rebecca, by Daphne du Maurier
The Scarlet Pimpernel, by Baroness Orczy
The Faerie Queene, by Edmund Spenser
Alice in Wonderland/Through the Looking Glass, by Lewis Carroll
Paddle to the Sea, by Holling Clancy Holling
Come Away Home, by Alison Smith (which, according to Amazon, does not exist?)
A Wrinkle in Time (+ the rest of the series), by Madeleine L'Engle
The Trumpet of the Swan, by E.B. White (also Charlotte's Web, but not as much)
Island of the Blue Dolphins, by Scott O'Dell
The Witch of Blackbird Pond, by Elizabeth George Speare
The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle, by Avi
The Callender Papers, by Cynthia Voigt
Sisters, Long Ago, by Peg Kehret
Yesterday's Doll, by Cora Taylor
Jasmin, by Jan Truss
Which Witch, by Eva Ibbotson
The Faraway Tree Stories, by Enid Blyton
and my personal favourite...
There's a Rainbow In My Closet, by Patti Stren. (Yeahhhh, this one had kind of a big impact on me, I think. *headdesk*)
Right! So. I told you I read a lot. *grins* Those were just my favourites. Anyhow, I'd love to see what you guys read when you were growing up, so comment and let me know, yeah? I'm going to shut up now though since I think I've rambled enough. Also, I'm hungry. So ♥ to you all, and happy August again!
Lily is one of the most awesome people I know -- she's sweet and fun and I always have a lovely time talking to her. Her Weasley worship is contagious, and she's gotten me hooked on a million and one things, from het to Queer As Folk and everything in between. She's a fantastic fandom presence, always with great ideas, meta and fic, and spurring interesting discussions, and she's kept me sane on more than one occasion just by being her wacky, insane self. So happy birthday, Lils. :D
To everyone else, Happy August!!!
I foresee August being a month of change. Well, don't foresee it -- KNOW it. It's going to be the oddest month in a long time, I think. I don't think I've told anyone this really, but my parents have just sold our house, and are moving out next week. NEXT WEEK. This is after living in this house for um...nearly eleven years, which is longer than any of us have ever lived anywhere. Granted, seven of those eleven years were largely spent away at school for me, but it's still been kind of a home base for me, my grounding force, and now we're moving. On top of that, I'm set to move flats in about three weeks -- I got my apartment downtown, and am moving in at the end of August. Needless to say, there's a lot going on this month just as far as physical location is concerned, plus I have school things to do, and job things to do, and any number of other things, so it's going to be...an interesting experience.
I'm totally ready for it though. I've been stuck in a rut for such a long time, and I've been going through a lot of changes myself recently, rethinking and reprioritising and reorganising my mental and emotional state of being, so I think having these dramatic physical changes to go with the personal changes I've been experiencing will be really good for me. And um, I think I might explain that. It's been a long time in coming. Feel free to skip this, but um, I have to say it anyhow.
Basically um...I'm kind of...emotionally retarded, really. I've spent my whole life being...well, very much Slytherin. Ambitious and driven and resourceful and career-oriented. Like, you know how as a kid, you did that whole 'when I grow up, I want to be a doctor!' or whatever? (Or maybe you didn't, but go with me here.) I did that, but I took it a step further and researched what would be involved to become a doctor, and what class track I'd have to take, so on and so forth. Not so much when I was like, five or six, but at ten and eleven, yeah. My parents were very supportive of me, but they also had very high standards, and as a result, I grew up with very high standards for myself. If I got a 97 on a test, I was angry I'd missed the other three points. Making an A- was out of the question, never mind a B or (god forbid) a C. I learned to read when I was about 2, and from then onward, I lived a lot of my life in books, and then studies, and really, I was hardly a normal kid. I played on a couple sports teams but never really enjoyed it -- the only sports I ever truly loved were skiing (cross-country and downhill, the former from as soon as I was old enough to walk, the latter from when I was about nine) and horseback riding (which I only managed to do for a year before we had to move, woe!). Most of my activities involved books, or board games, or something like that. I did do like...hopscotch and rope and four square and suicide and all that other stuff, but it wasn't really...I dunno. I never felt like I fit in with normal kids.
Mostly it's because my family is...really a unit. We've moved so much and changed schools so much and everything that really, I don't...well, no. I make friends easily, but I don't make like...friends. The older I've gotten, the harder it's been for me to open up to people, to trust people, to talk about myself, whatever, because inevitably we'd leave and that openness would end up feeling like a big gaping hole. Or else they'd leave. I had a lot of friends when I was young move away, or just...lose interest in me or whatever, and it left me feeling...a) like if I shared who I really was, people wouldn't like me anymore, and b) like I had to leave them before they left me (hence my penchant for leaving and moving away and starting over).
Although I don't really do that. When I move to a new place, I like to take people with me. I mean, part of it is that like...I go to an academy and bring my best friend down FROM CANADA to go to school with me. I go off to college and see opportunities, I call up my best friend who is still back at the college where we did highschool and miserable, and tell her to come up and go to school with me, which she did. I go to grad school, my best friend who has no direction/idea what she wants to do comes with me because I suggested she apply there and she got in and we end up getting an apartment together. That sort of thing. So it's like...I've always wanted to go places and start over, but I've had a hard time letting go, because that feeling of being alone -- that I've created for myself by not opening up to people in the first place -- is a really scary one.
My parents are um...they're really supportive, but they have a hard time letting go as well. So they um...they cling to me as much as I cling to them, I think, and it's unhealthy. I depend way too much on my parents' approval and such than someone my age and at my place in life should. Of course, I also depend way too much on their support as well, financial and otherwise. But it's like...I'm so used to them being my rock and the only place I can turn to for support of any sort that pulling away from that is really difficult. But I know I have to do it anyhow because the relationship I have with my mum especially is not healthy. She's...a very strong personality, and so am I, but I've been raised in such a way that speaking back to her (otherwise known as standing up for myself) feels horribly wrong to me, so I've sort of...learned avoidance a bit, but she accuses me of being sullen and yells at me until she gets a reaction out of me, and then yells at me for being weak and 'trying to garner sympathy by crying' and that sort of thing. I mean, don't get me wrong. She's a wonderful person and I love her to death, and I'm far from blameless or perfect. But it's just...it's made me so...submissive and afraid to stand up for myself and convinced of my own lack of self-worth that it's been really...damaging to me, I think. At least, it's taken me from being a Leo who's all...wanting to be dramatic and the centre of attention and go out and get exactly what she wants and confident and bold and whatnot to just...being so subdued and scared of saying the wrong thing and convinced she's really not worth anything no matter how much people tell her that's not the case. And I get mixed signals from my parents too, because they're always telling me I'm worth so much, and then making me feel exactly the opposite, like a big fat (yeah, I get that one a lot) failure. So really it's...I dunno.
Anyhow, the point of all this was that...things have happened over the past few months that have made me take a long hard look at myself. My focus for so so so long has been on getting a good career and being successful and brilliant and making a name for myself and so on and so forth, but really...that's not really what I want. I mean yes, I want a good career, and I want to be successful...but I want a family, a husband I love with all my heart, and (if he's the right one) children I can nurture and adore. I want a group of friends who feel like family to me, with whom I can be comfortable and open and not afraid they're going to hate me for being...well, human. I want happiness. And this career track I'm on right now...I'll get accomplishment and pride out of it, but it's such an empty sort of happiness compared to being surrounded by people I love and knowing they care about me as much as I care about them. This is the problem with being dual-brained, like I am -- I want all the mental/logical/career-oriented things that appeal to that part of me, but I also want the emotional fulfillment and to be caring and loving and sensitive and just shower the people I care about with affection and support and such. And really, I've been denying that latter one so much in favour of the former that it's left me feeling...empty, and frankly, burnt out. I've gotten so used to closing off emotions to be logical and analytical (especially with majoring in science in college), and while I love my friends and would do anything for them, and have always been there for them as much as I know how, I've never opened myself up to them really and let them be there for me.
I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to be closed-off and cold and analytical all the time. I don't want to base my self-worth on my GPA. I don't want my entire future to be career-rich but empty of love and happiness because I couldn't be bothered to take time for me and to focus on strengthening my relationships with people. So I'm not. I've been focussing on myself a lot, trying to get myself properly healthy and to a place where I'm comfortable in my own skin in a way I've never been. I can now fit back into clothes I wore when I was sixteen, after gaining a ridiculous amount of weight in college. I'm still not where I want to be, but I'm getting there, and it makes me feel really good about myself. I'm working on opening up to people and talking to them when things bother me instead of shutting myself away and crying until I manage to get myself under control enough to shut my emotions away again. (Can I just say here that the word control is the bane of my existence? It's formed so much of who I am, and so much of what upsets me about the way I am.) I'm standing up to my parents and not letting them have such a strong influence over me. I'm trying to learn how to live properly as an adult without depending on them so much, and taking care of things I should probably already know how to take care of but have never had reason to because they've always done it for me. I'm...spending time with people I care about, going out and doing fun things, instead of hiding from it and rationalising away the reasons I don't want to go out and enjoy myself when really it's that I'm scared of letting go some of that rigid control I've held myself under for so long.
If you've read this far, I'm sorry for all the rambling, but I needed to say it, and I'm really grateful that you've stuck with me this long. This isn't at all the full picture of me or what I'm trying to do or anything like that, but...it's a start, and it's more of a start than I've ever been able to make. I'll be 23 in a couple weeks, and this is the most open I've ever been in all those years. So...if you did read this, thank you.
Right, so um...happy August and all that. *laughs* Anyhow, to be less...serious and all...right. My birthday's coming up in a couple weeks! I'm going to be 23 on the 19th. I wasn't planning anything for this year, but apparently my mom has some huge regimen planned for me and my sister involving facials, manicures, pedicures, new clothing, makeup, and a fancy dinner. I am not complaining, I have to say, but I wasn't expecting it, so I'm...entertained. I'll be sure to let y'all know how that goes.
The point of the birthday mention was that whenever it gets close to my birthday, I always have this desire to go back to my childhood and remember things about when I was younger. I have a million and one stories I'd love to share someday, and probably will. But for today, reliving my childhood involved finding books that I used to lose myself in when I was younger and just...devour. So I thought, in honour of that, I'd ask you all what your formative books were. What books did you read as a child that you think shaped who you are today? I'm really interested to see what your answers are to this. For my part, I'll give you a short list, though it's by no means comprehensive. :D
A Little Princess, by Frances Hodgson Burnett
The Secret Garden, by Frances Hodgson Burnett
Little Women, by Louisa May Alcott
The Chronicles of Narnia, by C.S. Lewis
Matilda, by Roald Dahl (I also loved The BFG, George's Marvellous Medicine, The Witches, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory/The Great Glass Elevator, James and the Giant Peach, and The Twits.)
Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen
Rebecca, by Daphne du Maurier
The Scarlet Pimpernel, by Baroness Orczy
The Faerie Queene, by Edmund Spenser
Alice in Wonderland/Through the Looking Glass, by Lewis Carroll
Paddle to the Sea, by Holling Clancy Holling
Come Away Home, by Alison Smith (which, according to Amazon, does not exist?)
A Wrinkle in Time (+ the rest of the series), by Madeleine L'Engle
The Trumpet of the Swan, by E.B. White (also Charlotte's Web, but not as much)
Island of the Blue Dolphins, by Scott O'Dell
The Witch of Blackbird Pond, by Elizabeth George Speare
The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle, by Avi
The Callender Papers, by Cynthia Voigt
Sisters, Long Ago, by Peg Kehret
Yesterday's Doll, by Cora Taylor
Jasmin, by Jan Truss
Which Witch, by Eva Ibbotson
The Faraway Tree Stories, by Enid Blyton
and my personal favourite...
There's a Rainbow In My Closet, by Patti Stren. (Yeahhhh, this one had kind of a big impact on me, I think. *headdesk*)
Right! So. I told you I read a lot. *grins* Those were just my favourites. Anyhow, I'd love to see what you guys read when you were growing up, so comment and let me know, yeah? I'm going to shut up now though since I think I've rambled enough. Also, I'm hungry. So ♥ to you all, and happy August again!