Don't Think, Just Do
I can't decide if the fact that no one, save myself and occasionally two other people, reads this makes it easier to write or more of a waste.
In any case, I've spent a lot of time doing nothing lately. I hate doing nothing. I feel like I waste my precious few days off doing nothing. Like I don't deserve to have them off if I have no reason to have them off. I remember when I used to rush around on my day off trying to get everything I needed to get done done. Now, I have nothing that is that utterly pressing that I need to get done. This is kind of depressing in a way. My life is that meaningless that it really doesn't matter whether or not I get out of bad. Maybe that's why I work so much. To avoid situations like this.
Sometimes I think I'm afraid to be left alone with myself. When I'm alone I think too much, and the more I think the more confused and irrational my thoughts become. I've found that sometimes it's easier to stop thinking and just do. You know what happens when you think too much? You find yourself thinking about the stuff you wish you were doing. Why is that? Why is it so hard to just DO something? It seems like every time I try to do something, the universe decides to foil my plans. Am I the only person that can just get up and go and do something without contemplating or primping? I will admit, that I have learned to control my eagerness better, I've actually even learned to be a little late sometimes (GASP, I know! Never to work though, lol).
But all the things I do actually do, get me nowhere. Not that I really have anywhere to go, but they certainly don't advance my life forward any, at least not in any way that I can see. The things that I really NEED to do, I find are the things I keep putting off. The things like going to the dentist and finding a real job. The things that aren't very fun, but are necessary. I don't like being a grown up, you have to take care of yourself. I don't like that. I like to do what I want when I want, but how do I force myself to do the other things?
Those are the things I spend a lot of time thinking about rather than doing. Planning. Meticulously, in my OCD little way. I make lists. I make lists of the things I need to make lists of. Its horrible, but its one of the few ways I can control my life. Nothing I plan ever goes accordingly, so instead I just list stuff I need to get done, so it will eventually get done. I try not to commit to anything, because I know that once I do, nature will throw a wrench into those plans. She always does that. I hope that there is some great logic behind it that I just can't see right now. But in the mean time, I need to get some order in my life.
I need order in weird ways. When I was in school I knew I had classes on certain days and I worked the other days. There was order and routine with just enough variance to keep me going. Here, nothing is ever the same. My schedule is never the same. My plans are never the same. I can't stick with one thing for more than a few weeks. I want badly to have some degree of consistency, so when the rest of the world goes to hell, I have something certain to keep me sane.
I think that writing this all out helps me organize the chaotic thoughts stuck in my head. So it's good in that way. Sometimes it would help to get a little advice, but just writing helps. I even used spell check, for what it's worth.
"Being grown up isn't have as fun as growing up..." ~The Ataris
In any case, I've spent a lot of time doing nothing lately. I hate doing nothing. I feel like I waste my precious few days off doing nothing. Like I don't deserve to have them off if I have no reason to have them off. I remember when I used to rush around on my day off trying to get everything I needed to get done done. Now, I have nothing that is that utterly pressing that I need to get done. This is kind of depressing in a way. My life is that meaningless that it really doesn't matter whether or not I get out of bad. Maybe that's why I work so much. To avoid situations like this.
Sometimes I think I'm afraid to be left alone with myself. When I'm alone I think too much, and the more I think the more confused and irrational my thoughts become. I've found that sometimes it's easier to stop thinking and just do. You know what happens when you think too much? You find yourself thinking about the stuff you wish you were doing. Why is that? Why is it so hard to just DO something? It seems like every time I try to do something, the universe decides to foil my plans. Am I the only person that can just get up and go and do something without contemplating or primping? I will admit, that I have learned to control my eagerness better, I've actually even learned to be a little late sometimes (GASP, I know! Never to work though, lol).
But all the things I do actually do, get me nowhere. Not that I really have anywhere to go, but they certainly don't advance my life forward any, at least not in any way that I can see. The things that I really NEED to do, I find are the things I keep putting off. The things like going to the dentist and finding a real job. The things that aren't very fun, but are necessary. I don't like being a grown up, you have to take care of yourself. I don't like that. I like to do what I want when I want, but how do I force myself to do the other things?
Those are the things I spend a lot of time thinking about rather than doing. Planning. Meticulously, in my OCD little way. I make lists. I make lists of the things I need to make lists of. Its horrible, but its one of the few ways I can control my life. Nothing I plan ever goes accordingly, so instead I just list stuff I need to get done, so it will eventually get done. I try not to commit to anything, because I know that once I do, nature will throw a wrench into those plans. She always does that. I hope that there is some great logic behind it that I just can't see right now. But in the mean time, I need to get some order in my life.
I need order in weird ways. When I was in school I knew I had classes on certain days and I worked the other days. There was order and routine with just enough variance to keep me going. Here, nothing is ever the same. My schedule is never the same. My plans are never the same. I can't stick with one thing for more than a few weeks. I want badly to have some degree of consistency, so when the rest of the world goes to hell, I have something certain to keep me sane.
I think that writing this all out helps me organize the chaotic thoughts stuck in my head. So it's good in that way. Sometimes it would help to get a little advice, but just writing helps. I even used spell check, for what it's worth.
"Being grown up isn't have as fun as growing up..." ~The Ataris