(no subject)
I’m at my internship right now, and I have so much on my mind that I thought I would write down what I’m thinking so I can concentrate better on my work. Yesterday was hard. Harder than I thought. I started to cry when I didn’t have a message from him after I got off work. I don’t want to change my
passwords that have his name in them. I hate that if I talk to him it doesn’t end in “I love you” and I can’t call him ‘sweetie’ or ‘baby’ or ‘hon’. He was the one who took care of me when I was sick. He was the only one I talked to (out of my sorority) about my sorority. I feel like I have
lost my best friend. And of course we want to stay friends, but I’m not sure how easy that’s going to be. In reality we have been more like friends than boyfriend and girlfriend anyway, but it doesn’t matter. It still hurts. Who am I going to cuddle with and hug and have rub my back until I fall asleep? Of course I have had doubts along the way, but that doesn’t mean this hurts any less. And yes, I wanted to break up with him as much as he wanted to end it with me, but that’s why I’m so torn. If I want this, how come it hurts this badly? I feel empty and alone.
I know I have to talk to my friends about this. But that’s hard. I went into hibernation mode this summer, and hid away from all of my friends. I didn’t call them back and didn’t make much of an effort to talk to them on my own. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to talk to them, but I just needed time to myself. And now I know that if I stay by myself I will end up totally alone. My friends have been great about this; leaving me messages etc. I need to take advantage of it. Instead of sending text messages, maybe I need to call them and allow myself to talk to them about this.
I feel like I now have a world of opportunities open to me now that I’m not with Jon. Unfortunately, I am just afraid that those opportunities aren’t going to be as good. Sigh. I have a lot I need to do this year and perhapsit will be good to not worry about managing a long distance relationship.
It was hard to do this summer, and I will be even busier in the fall. I know we’re not going in the same direction, and I know I can’t change who I am and who he is. But I wish everything could still work out. You have to make sacrifices to make relationships work, and I suppose that neither of us are willing to make one or two very important ones. Also, we can’t change who we are; there are just some very big fundamental differences between us that aren’t going to go away. I know that if we were to try to stay together, it would just end badly and we would both be hurt more.
I feel like I’m saying all these things because I have to; because it’s what I’m supposed to think and feel. Too bad I’m just crying inside. But maybe if I keep telling myself these things, eventually I will believe them more and more and things will be okay.
passwords that have his name in them. I hate that if I talk to him it doesn’t end in “I love you” and I can’t call him ‘sweetie’ or ‘baby’ or ‘hon’. He was the one who took care of me when I was sick. He was the only one I talked to (out of my sorority) about my sorority. I feel like I have
lost my best friend. And of course we want to stay friends, but I’m not sure how easy that’s going to be. In reality we have been more like friends than boyfriend and girlfriend anyway, but it doesn’t matter. It still hurts. Who am I going to cuddle with and hug and have rub my back until I fall asleep? Of course I have had doubts along the way, but that doesn’t mean this hurts any less. And yes, I wanted to break up with him as much as he wanted to end it with me, but that’s why I’m so torn. If I want this, how come it hurts this badly? I feel empty and alone.
I know I have to talk to my friends about this. But that’s hard. I went into hibernation mode this summer, and hid away from all of my friends. I didn’t call them back and didn’t make much of an effort to talk to them on my own. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to talk to them, but I just needed time to myself. And now I know that if I stay by myself I will end up totally alone. My friends have been great about this; leaving me messages etc. I need to take advantage of it. Instead of sending text messages, maybe I need to call them and allow myself to talk to them about this.
I feel like I now have a world of opportunities open to me now that I’m not with Jon. Unfortunately, I am just afraid that those opportunities aren’t going to be as good. Sigh. I have a lot I need to do this year and perhapsit will be good to not worry about managing a long distance relationship.
It was hard to do this summer, and I will be even busier in the fall. I know we’re not going in the same direction, and I know I can’t change who I am and who he is. But I wish everything could still work out. You have to make sacrifices to make relationships work, and I suppose that neither of us are willing to make one or two very important ones. Also, we can’t change who we are; there are just some very big fundamental differences between us that aren’t going to go away. I know that if we were to try to stay together, it would just end badly and we would both be hurt more.
I feel like I’m saying all these things because I have to; because it’s what I’m supposed to think and feel. Too bad I’m just crying inside. But maybe if I keep telling myself these things, eventually I will believe them more and more and things will be okay.