man man ha ni
no, it has nothing to do with that U-Kiss song...annoying and catchy thing. So school's back up and I think this time round I can actually do this. I don't feel the crippling isolation anymore, I don't feel the fatigue...which is fantastic, because I was so sick of feeling like the biggest piece of shit ever. I guess when you know that you've hit rock bottom..the only way you can go is up.
Of late I've been discarding the darker colours i had from my wardrobe, and i think it makes a big difference. I've been wanting to do the whole 1950's look for the longest time but had either the right hair or figure or whatever to do it. (...admittedly I still dont have said figure, but one can dream, one can dream..) My hair has finally grown enough for me to attempt it. Also, I think I may experiment with lipstick soon (ie actually use it) and try some different hairstyles. I feel myself shifting away from lolita, which is sad but I have a feeling I may return to it.
In other news life is finally somewhat stable, a routine is beginning to be established and life is getting easier. I suppose I just had to be an ass about this whole thing which was why it all became so hard. Somehow it feels bad to feel so at peace with myself with others around me seem to not be. Ash tells me to just disregard that feeling because it's okay to feel that you're happy and at ease with life after all the shit i'd been through. Come to think of it, the shit i endured wasn't as bad as i thought it was...it was worse when I was 12 and that was years ago.
Hopefully this year I'll make something of myself, because now even though it feels fantastic that Im happy with life and the people around me I feel unaccomplished. I've been living 18 years and I've got nothing to show for it. Yeah I overcame gastric problems yay, i overcame bed wetting yay, i learned to walk yay, i've been through the system yay, i've graduated secondary school yay. But nothing, not one of those things make me special in anyway. I'm unique, just like everyone else ;)
I did get my crap writing published in a community newsletter, but that's about it. It was some horrible fan fiction concocted by my 11 year old self with horrible plots and inappropriate language and it was horrible, just ruddin horrible. Now at 18 I'm still writing but still badly, and it just saddens me that I've got nothing to show for my 18 years of existing on this earth.
Somewhere at the back of my head I hear ash shouting, "THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR AN EXISTENTIALISTIC CRISIS ANIS, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER" and it makes me smile because it's like all of a sudden our personalities change. It's quite amazing if you think about it, spending much of your current life with a person changes you in the most subtle way you don't even think about it. But then again it just feels like forever since our relationship started, so sometimes it gets difficult to tell where i end and he begins.
But anyhow, what did I do all summer?
I spend a great deal of time with the folks, there was so much unresolved issues in the family, and it was great fixing a majority of them. Some we're still in, but I'm sure it's nothing we can't fix.
Spent a great deal of time watching the telly, just cause i haven't in 6 months. I clubbed a grand total of 4 times in the two months plus of holidays,and it was fun. My feet wanted to fall off but it was awesome. It's great being the only one sober all the time - you get to see how people are when they're piss drunk. The only downside is probably the generally fucking up of my sleep system, and all the pimples haha. I think I spent a lot of time reevaluating myself and the way I treated school.
There's just no way I can fuck up again. Moving on, I did spend a good amount of time with Sofia and Ash also. I finally had LEMON MERINGUE PIE, but it wasn't as great as I recalled. The ratio of meringue to lemon curd was 3:1, it was sad.
I've still got a bit of schoolwork to go through, but I think if I maintain this zen mood im in right now it should be over quite soon.
leave a comment to ask about anything or whatever
anis
Of late I've been discarding the darker colours i had from my wardrobe, and i think it makes a big difference. I've been wanting to do the whole 1950's look for the longest time but had either the right hair or figure or whatever to do it. (...admittedly I still dont have said figure, but one can dream, one can dream..) My hair has finally grown enough for me to attempt it. Also, I think I may experiment with lipstick soon (ie actually use it) and try some different hairstyles. I feel myself shifting away from lolita, which is sad but I have a feeling I may return to it.
In other news life is finally somewhat stable, a routine is beginning to be established and life is getting easier. I suppose I just had to be an ass about this whole thing which was why it all became so hard. Somehow it feels bad to feel so at peace with myself with others around me seem to not be. Ash tells me to just disregard that feeling because it's okay to feel that you're happy and at ease with life after all the shit i'd been through. Come to think of it, the shit i endured wasn't as bad as i thought it was...it was worse when I was 12 and that was years ago.
Hopefully this year I'll make something of myself, because now even though it feels fantastic that Im happy with life and the people around me I feel unaccomplished. I've been living 18 years and I've got nothing to show for it. Yeah I overcame gastric problems yay, i overcame bed wetting yay, i learned to walk yay, i've been through the system yay, i've graduated secondary school yay. But nothing, not one of those things make me special in anyway. I'm unique, just like everyone else ;)
I did get my crap writing published in a community newsletter, but that's about it. It was some horrible fan fiction concocted by my 11 year old self with horrible plots and inappropriate language and it was horrible, just ruddin horrible. Now at 18 I'm still writing but still badly, and it just saddens me that I've got nothing to show for my 18 years of existing on this earth.
Somewhere at the back of my head I hear ash shouting, "THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR AN EXISTENTIALISTIC CRISIS ANIS, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER" and it makes me smile because it's like all of a sudden our personalities change. It's quite amazing if you think about it, spending much of your current life with a person changes you in the most subtle way you don't even think about it. But then again it just feels like forever since our relationship started, so sometimes it gets difficult to tell where i end and he begins.
But anyhow, what did I do all summer?
I spend a great deal of time with the folks, there was so much unresolved issues in the family, and it was great fixing a majority of them. Some we're still in, but I'm sure it's nothing we can't fix.
Spent a great deal of time watching the telly, just cause i haven't in 6 months. I clubbed a grand total of 4 times in the two months plus of holidays,and it was fun. My feet wanted to fall off but it was awesome. It's great being the only one sober all the time - you get to see how people are when they're piss drunk. The only downside is probably the generally fucking up of my sleep system, and all the pimples haha. I think I spent a lot of time reevaluating myself and the way I treated school.
There's just no way I can fuck up again. Moving on, I did spend a good amount of time with Sofia and Ash also. I finally had LEMON MERINGUE PIE, but it wasn't as great as I recalled. The ratio of meringue to lemon curd was 3:1, it was sad.
I've still got a bit of schoolwork to go through, but I think if I maintain this zen mood im in right now it should be over quite soon.
leave a comment to ask about anything or whatever
anis