co-dependant
I have come to believe that I am co-dependant on people.
I believe it stems from the troubled traumitizing childhood I had, parents not loving me enough, waiting months for any sign of real affection, a hug a kiss a nice word.
Such a childhood I feel has left me with little sustenance within and i constantly seek it through someonelse, growing up I clinged to my teachers, always wanting to be with them, missed them when they weren't around, wanted their support, their approval,i wished they would adopt me, save me from my horrible life...love me the way my parents didn't. More than anything LOVE..the one thing I lack that runs my life is seeking love...
I probably have an addictive personality hence the clingyness that appears out of no where to a human being, this feeling of desperation I often confuse with love, does that mean this isn't love at all?
When I became older I ended up feeling clingy to men and in certain instances it became a romantic relationship. The one person I thought I fell in love with ended up sencing my clingyness and my obsessive and desperate ways inwhich I felt I couldnt live without him, I couldnt function if he was upset with me, I always felt that if he was in a bad mood I felt it was my duty to make him feel better and if i couldnt i felt bad as well.
He decided yesterday that it was for the best that we cut off all contact until I can become well and sort my feelings for him...he is taken so I can't marry him anyhow. Yes HE is taken so I should not have gotten into a relationship with him in the first place in fear of getting hurt but my feelings and desperation for love overcame me. I am dealing much better today with our "relationship" as in 2 yrs ago when he gave me no choice and refused to talk to me until I got well and no longer jealous of his wife... I couldn't function I was severly depressed crying all the time, missing him, thinking of him every second, wishing he were there and of course wanting him and only him to fulfill my sexual desire...today I just cried half a day and I still only want him to fulfill my sexual desires...even if along the way I found people better or just as exciting my mind still plays games and makes me want him more...even if he isnt good at all I think he is. The strange thing is, I do not picture myself having a family setting with him, I don't want to marry him and I am no longer jealous of his wife as I said...so what do i want from him? can he even satisfy my demanding thirst for the love that I lack? Why can't i find it within myself, why cant I believe that I am a great girl, smart and beautiful without someonelse telling me? Why do and did I settle to give myself to married men ( at the time i thought they were more settled, or older men were more settles and secure, perhaps intelectual so I gave it a chance).
Today I want to work towards becomming self dependant, I am tired of being sad depressed and desperate for love...I want to find it withing myself so that I can find a really meaningful loving relationship without infatuation, obsession, desperation and saddness each time something bad happens...these Highs and Lows are too hard to tolderate and fuction with...
any advice?
SO I've established that:
a) the problem stems from my childhood, Lack of love from mom and dad
b) I see what I do wrong (desperate, crying, low lows, high highs)
c) but I dont know how to fix this problem and i dont know what the right way feels like.
D) I dont know what real love feels like so I fear getting serious in a relationship where these clingly feelings show up so fast
E) I want to go to counceling and finish this once and for all
F) with this attitude I feel more empowered than depressed though I still cry, I look to the future in hope knowing that time will lessen the pain of my love and missing him..and that hopefully one day I will be able to be normal and we can be friends at least.
Please comment advice is needed...
I believe it stems from the troubled traumitizing childhood I had, parents not loving me enough, waiting months for any sign of real affection, a hug a kiss a nice word.
Such a childhood I feel has left me with little sustenance within and i constantly seek it through someonelse, growing up I clinged to my teachers, always wanting to be with them, missed them when they weren't around, wanted their support, their approval,i wished they would adopt me, save me from my horrible life...love me the way my parents didn't. More than anything LOVE..the one thing I lack that runs my life is seeking love...
I probably have an addictive personality hence the clingyness that appears out of no where to a human being, this feeling of desperation I often confuse with love, does that mean this isn't love at all?
When I became older I ended up feeling clingy to men and in certain instances it became a romantic relationship. The one person I thought I fell in love with ended up sencing my clingyness and my obsessive and desperate ways inwhich I felt I couldnt live without him, I couldnt function if he was upset with me, I always felt that if he was in a bad mood I felt it was my duty to make him feel better and if i couldnt i felt bad as well.
He decided yesterday that it was for the best that we cut off all contact until I can become well and sort my feelings for him...he is taken so I can't marry him anyhow. Yes HE is taken so I should not have gotten into a relationship with him in the first place in fear of getting hurt but my feelings and desperation for love overcame me. I am dealing much better today with our "relationship" as in 2 yrs ago when he gave me no choice and refused to talk to me until I got well and no longer jealous of his wife... I couldn't function I was severly depressed crying all the time, missing him, thinking of him every second, wishing he were there and of course wanting him and only him to fulfill my sexual desire...today I just cried half a day and I still only want him to fulfill my sexual desires...even if along the way I found people better or just as exciting my mind still plays games and makes me want him more...even if he isnt good at all I think he is. The strange thing is, I do not picture myself having a family setting with him, I don't want to marry him and I am no longer jealous of his wife as I said...so what do i want from him? can he even satisfy my demanding thirst for the love that I lack? Why can't i find it within myself, why cant I believe that I am a great girl, smart and beautiful without someonelse telling me? Why do and did I settle to give myself to married men ( at the time i thought they were more settled, or older men were more settles and secure, perhaps intelectual so I gave it a chance).
Today I want to work towards becomming self dependant, I am tired of being sad depressed and desperate for love...I want to find it withing myself so that I can find a really meaningful loving relationship without infatuation, obsession, desperation and saddness each time something bad happens...these Highs and Lows are too hard to tolderate and fuction with...
any advice?
SO I've established that:
a) the problem stems from my childhood, Lack of love from mom and dad
b) I see what I do wrong (desperate, crying, low lows, high highs)
c) but I dont know how to fix this problem and i dont know what the right way feels like.
D) I dont know what real love feels like so I fear getting serious in a relationship where these clingly feelings show up so fast
E) I want to go to counceling and finish this once and for all
F) with this attitude I feel more empowered than depressed though I still cry, I look to the future in hope knowing that time will lessen the pain of my love and missing him..and that hopefully one day I will be able to be normal and we can be friends at least.
Please comment advice is needed...