.........jeez....
I woke up with a start this morning... or sorta....I dont know if it was considered to be a nightmare or a really shocking dream or a parallel reality or I dont know. Either way, when I woke up, I felt angry and slightly confused and ......scared.
I met my grandma. Talked to her. Apologized to her. Again.
I felt shaky the whole day....couldnt really think straight......it was seriously fucked.
I mean....dreams are dreams and regrets are regrets no matter how hard you try and let them go some will haunt you forever.
In the back of my mind however, the standard question arose. Was it a dream?
It was crystal clear, I mean I remember everything, the detail was so.......precise....thats what scared me, I still have clear image in my head.....geh......shuddering just thinking about it.
But......she seemed happy anyhow. She was smiling.
um......I dont know where to go from here......in fact I dont even know why I am writing all this down.....I just want to forget about the whole thing, and here I am reminding myself of something I dont want to remember, thus reminding me of the whole ordeal........thus reminding me what an idiot I was, so fucking stupid, and a near sighted shit..........Im sorry. Again. I dont think I can apologize enough. I see the error of my ways, and there is no way its happening again. It cant and ive already stopped something similar from happening.
Yes, victory after serious defeat. thats the way it goes unfortunately.
so.....just before I woke up I gave her a hug, and we sat down, and I said a prayer. The Gyatri Mantra. and she said it was ok.
I hope my dream was accurate, now that I think about it. I hope to god and with every ounce of energy I have, I hope and pray it was accurate. I hope the smile was genuine. I hope she is at peace. Peace......I hope she is at peace, and I hope I am forgiven for being immature at such an in opportune time...
man I could really go for a stiff drink right about now.
sleep time. early rising tommorow.
I met my grandma. Talked to her. Apologized to her. Again.
I felt shaky the whole day....couldnt really think straight......it was seriously fucked.
I mean....dreams are dreams and regrets are regrets no matter how hard you try and let them go some will haunt you forever.
In the back of my mind however, the standard question arose. Was it a dream?
It was crystal clear, I mean I remember everything, the detail was so.......precise....thats what scared me, I still have clear image in my head.....geh......shuddering just thinking about it.
But......she seemed happy anyhow. She was smiling.
um......I dont know where to go from here......in fact I dont even know why I am writing all this down.....I just want to forget about the whole thing, and here I am reminding myself of something I dont want to remember, thus reminding me of the whole ordeal........thus reminding me what an idiot I was, so fucking stupid, and a near sighted shit..........Im sorry. Again. I dont think I can apologize enough. I see the error of my ways, and there is no way its happening again. It cant and ive already stopped something similar from happening.
Yes, victory after serious defeat. thats the way it goes unfortunately.
so.....just before I woke up I gave her a hug, and we sat down, and I said a prayer. The Gyatri Mantra. and she said it was ok.
I hope my dream was accurate, now that I think about it. I hope to god and with every ounce of energy I have, I hope and pray it was accurate. I hope the smile was genuine. I hope she is at peace. Peace......I hope she is at peace, and I hope I am forgiven for being immature at such an in opportune time...
man I could really go for a stiff drink right about now.
sleep time. early rising tommorow.