Writer's Block: Significant Change
Hm. This has been coming up in my head a lot lately.
In the past two years I've been learning how to be a friend. I've been learning about boundaries - mine and other peoples. Trust is weird. Going to work and spending eight hours a day with someone and then walking away without considering them to be an integral part of my life is...strange.
I used to feel like I *had* to share myself with people if I was around them. I used to feel like I *had* to get people to like me.
I was in a relationship with someone for three years. It may not have been intentional, but over those three years I was made to feel rude, impolite, loud and obnoxious, inconsiderate, an alcoholic, a drug addict, etc.
I tried very hard not to be all of those things at every turn - except towards the end of the relationship when I was tired and couldn't figure out why I was so miserable. The truth is, the more I tried not to be those things, the more I felt that I was.
I think a lot of my past friendships/relationship fell the same way as that relationship. I had no self confidence that anyone would actually want to be my friend. I was too needy, too crazy, to religious, too crazy, too horny, too too too too too...a million of them could fit. (Insert reason Katrina isn't good enough here ________)
What I find interesting is that all of those 'friendships' that three year relationship.....all of them are gone.
I don't see the people anymore, I don't talk to those people any more.
And I've managed to find people who *do* seem to have a genuine interest. While the genuine interest boggles my mind at a certain point, it's amazing as well. That three year relationship and all the adventures that occurred during that time really changed me. I learned so much about myself, about what I need as a lover, as a friend, as far as intimacy goes....
I love that I'm able to now utilize that information and insert it into the new-found friendships I'm discovering. I still have my bouts of confusion and self-consciousness. But they are lesser and farther between occurrences.
I'm actually getting to the point with my friendships where I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm waiting for people to discover that I am too crass and too loud and too rude and too too too too too....well, you get the point.
But it's not happening. I think part of me is also starting to push boundaries to see if it *will* happen or if I can make it happen. I feel like I'm five - by the way - but it's been click-clacking in my head for a while. When does the good friendship end? When do they get sick of me and my silly antics?
I have reassurances that they won't - I can hear my friends telling me that I'm ridiculous in my head...but the fears are there anyway.
The "when is this going to fall apart" is there.
weird.
In the past two years I've been learning how to be a friend. I've been learning about boundaries - mine and other peoples. Trust is weird. Going to work and spending eight hours a day with someone and then walking away without considering them to be an integral part of my life is...strange.
I used to feel like I *had* to share myself with people if I was around them. I used to feel like I *had* to get people to like me.
I was in a relationship with someone for three years. It may not have been intentional, but over those three years I was made to feel rude, impolite, loud and obnoxious, inconsiderate, an alcoholic, a drug addict, etc.
I tried very hard not to be all of those things at every turn - except towards the end of the relationship when I was tired and couldn't figure out why I was so miserable. The truth is, the more I tried not to be those things, the more I felt that I was.
I think a lot of my past friendships/relationship fell the same way as that relationship. I had no self confidence that anyone would actually want to be my friend. I was too needy, too crazy, to religious, too crazy, too horny, too too too too too...a million of them could fit. (Insert reason Katrina isn't good enough here ________)
What I find interesting is that all of those 'friendships' that three year relationship.....all of them are gone.
I don't see the people anymore, I don't talk to those people any more.
And I've managed to find people who *do* seem to have a genuine interest. While the genuine interest boggles my mind at a certain point, it's amazing as well. That three year relationship and all the adventures that occurred during that time really changed me. I learned so much about myself, about what I need as a lover, as a friend, as far as intimacy goes....
I love that I'm able to now utilize that information and insert it into the new-found friendships I'm discovering. I still have my bouts of confusion and self-consciousness. But they are lesser and farther between occurrences.
I'm actually getting to the point with my friendships where I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm waiting for people to discover that I am too crass and too loud and too rude and too too too too too....well, you get the point.
But it's not happening. I think part of me is also starting to push boundaries to see if it *will* happen or if I can make it happen. I feel like I'm five - by the way - but it's been click-clacking in my head for a while. When does the good friendship end? When do they get sick of me and my silly antics?
I have reassurances that they won't - I can hear my friends telling me that I'm ridiculous in my head...but the fears are there anyway.
The "when is this going to fall apart" is there.
weird.