(no subject)
I haven't written in over two years.
This place is not the same. I don't think half the people I used to know here really use this thing or even really know me anymore.
But maybe that's a good thing.
I feel the need to spill my feelings and I have nowhere to do that so why not here?
It's my journal, and hardly anyone comes here anymore, so I can write whatever I want.
That's nice.
It's nice to be able to say whatever you want.
When I stopped writing in this journal it was because I felt I'd fallen off track. I didn't know who I was... I didn't feel like the bright, if often over-emotional girl, everyone seemed to like. I didn't want to infect the internet with my negative thoughts and feelings. I didn't want to be someone that brought others down instead of pulled them up. If I couldn't put forth anything good then why put forth anything at all?
But the thing is... Even though I left to save myself, to save you all from me, it didn't work. Somehow everything has gotten worse. I never really regained my footing. I still can't quite find that light inside me.
Looking back, these feelings I have, they're not new. But they've deepened. The loneliness, the detachment. The hopelessness. And now there's resentment and envy too. It's not nice. I'm not someone I can be proud of right now.
And it's easy to say, well just change then!
But I've been trying too!! That's the whole point. I came to Japan precisely because I wanted to change. And now, even the confidence I'd managed to build my first few years here is dwindling away.
I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like my life is just a big let down. I'm nothing but a big huge let down.
Everything I've tried has led me nowhere. Nothing I believed in has proven true. I'm defeated. I'm tired. I feel cheated. Angry. Resentful. Invisible.
Life is mendokkusai. It's more effort than I'm able to muster.
Because I already know how the story goes....
Relationships fall apart. Opportunities lead nowhere. No one really wants what you have to offer. Even families betray each other. Some people's dreams come true. Some people's dreams don't.
That's just the way it goes.
And there's no one to make it better. No one to give you a hug and say, it's hard I know but it's okay and I still love you anyway.
My heart is darkening. The forecast is cloudy.
It's not even depression. It's simply...resignation.
Honestly, I don't know which is worse.
This place is not the same. I don't think half the people I used to know here really use this thing or even really know me anymore.
But maybe that's a good thing.
I feel the need to spill my feelings and I have nowhere to do that so why not here?
It's my journal, and hardly anyone comes here anymore, so I can write whatever I want.
That's nice.
It's nice to be able to say whatever you want.
When I stopped writing in this journal it was because I felt I'd fallen off track. I didn't know who I was... I didn't feel like the bright, if often over-emotional girl, everyone seemed to like. I didn't want to infect the internet with my negative thoughts and feelings. I didn't want to be someone that brought others down instead of pulled them up. If I couldn't put forth anything good then why put forth anything at all?
But the thing is... Even though I left to save myself, to save you all from me, it didn't work. Somehow everything has gotten worse. I never really regained my footing. I still can't quite find that light inside me.
Looking back, these feelings I have, they're not new. But they've deepened. The loneliness, the detachment. The hopelessness. And now there's resentment and envy too. It's not nice. I'm not someone I can be proud of right now.
And it's easy to say, well just change then!
But I've been trying too!! That's the whole point. I came to Japan precisely because I wanted to change. And now, even the confidence I'd managed to build my first few years here is dwindling away.
I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like my life is just a big let down. I'm nothing but a big huge let down.
Everything I've tried has led me nowhere. Nothing I believed in has proven true. I'm defeated. I'm tired. I feel cheated. Angry. Resentful. Invisible.
Life is mendokkusai. It's more effort than I'm able to muster.
Because I already know how the story goes....
Relationships fall apart. Opportunities lead nowhere. No one really wants what you have to offer. Even families betray each other. Some people's dreams come true. Some people's dreams don't.
That's just the way it goes.
And there's no one to make it better. No one to give you a hug and say, it's hard I know but it's okay and I still love you anyway.
My heart is darkening. The forecast is cloudy.
It's not even depression. It's simply...resignation.
Honestly, I don't know which is worse.