I have not cried in a long time

[animussmith]

When I was no younger than six, but certainly not yet seven, I began to intrude upon my older brother's social life. Admittedly, it wasn't much to barge into. At max there were four or five friends who he ever spoke to outside of school and generally there were two. His most longlasting friendship, and technically mine, is with Josh who he has known sice they were four and lived in California. Josh has known me since before I was born. Another one of his good friends was Thomas, who was later replaced by Charl, thankfully. What they did was play games, not the ordinary sort of electronic stimulation, though there was some of that, they played RPGs. Real RPGs, not that Ever Final Warcraft Ultima bullshit thats swamped the market. No we played AD&D, Rifts, and later the other types of 3.0, then Exalted, then 3.5, with a little more of White Wolf's winy emo games (Masquerade) sprinkled in between. When I tried to play with them I was greeted, shall we say, with lukewarm enthusiasm. My characters were game for abuse and eventual slaughter, or sometimes not so eventual. This went on for sometime, and though I would follow my brother around, I was really just following. I was not a true member of the group. But I loved the games. More than anything. I thought about them all the time, and eventually threw down with all the might of a purebred powergamer. It was after a certain incident involving my 2nd level bard and 1st level fighter vrs the rest of our slightly higher level party that it was said that I had the heart of PK. After that I was a part of the group, far more so than any of the more transient members. We only stopped playing the games very recently, our habits slowly breaking down over the last few years. Since I first became the tag along I ended up spending more time with Alex and his friends than with any of the ones I made myself.I have become attached to Alexi over the years, moreso than any other member of my family. Or anyone for that matter. He's often been my best friend, and at times it seemed he was my only friend. He was certainly the only one I ever talked to about anything that didn't fall in the same category as the weather. He was the only one who could calm me when I was upset, even till recently. Especially recently. There were a few categories we kept taboo, but it was an unspoken agreement and we both knew what the boundaries were very well. Having him gone is very different than it will be when I leave the twins. Though I love them, our relationship has always been one of tears, violence, and the occasional hug. Alex and I understoof eachother, better than any others ever could, because for almost all of my existence I have been little more than a distorted mirror of my Alexi. In itself that role is not a bad one, he is the only person I have honestly respected for more than a passing fancy. He is the only person I have ever looked up to, and the only one I have really admired. When I was twelve, he showed me song. It was Pioneer, and I will always feel it, though we were the only two who could ever really hear it. Last night was the first time it hit me that he would be gone. Even then it took me a long time to cry, even after I was alone and in the dark. I'm just out of practice I suppose. He has given me more than I can ever repay . He has made me who I am. Though now I must make myself into what we will be. It is best that he has gone. For he had lived in this place for too long, or just long enough. I will be out in 336 days. Enough time to complete the little ones training, and my own. I won't see him for a few years, except for a few days every month or so, butprobably not for holidays. Charl is gone up to Boone as well. Josh has been growing distant from the group for a long time, though we will still try to call him up for boxing nights. I beleive our time has begun. Our character is finished, and now we shall truly live in interesting times. Not because of fate, but because we wouldn't have it any other way.

Four brothers brewed from dreams condemn
And build forever more
And live and die and eat and fast
And weave their wings to soar
All stopping for the god that saves
All laughing for what's in store

-The Demon and the Dowager

Forever,

Peace