(no subject)
i think somewhere, at some point, it got confusing between maintaining civility and seeking validation.
being an asshole = not being civil (no insecurities apparent even though they are completely apparent)
caring what people think = seeking validation -my cover's blown (insecurities splayed out b/c im secure enough to express my anxieties/fears?), not necessarily being civil
i seem to have rebounded between two complete polar opposites, not giving a fuck at one point in my life to giving entirely too much a fuck, or perhaps my "not giving a fuck" was an extreme reaction to "giving too much of a fuck" and ironically now that i'm expressing that i do "give a fuck" i actually don't?
The question is which is more practical for survival, to give the appearance of not caring b/c you care too much, or the appearance of caring, b/c you don't care as much.
I choose the former rather than the latter. to be honest. maybe b/c i've learned along the way that it pays to appear to not care rather than really not care and show that you care. but then again maybe it's the company i've been keeping.
The question now, is can i conceivably re-condition myself to be that way again, do i want to, is it healthy?
this is so stupid. who the hell cares. maybe just you.
i hope i don't have chronic bronchitis.
i haven't had a cigarette since yesterday.
being an asshole = not being civil (no insecurities apparent even though they are completely apparent)
caring what people think = seeking validation -my cover's blown (insecurities splayed out b/c im secure enough to express my anxieties/fears?), not necessarily being civil
i seem to have rebounded between two complete polar opposites, not giving a fuck at one point in my life to giving entirely too much a fuck, or perhaps my "not giving a fuck" was an extreme reaction to "giving too much of a fuck" and ironically now that i'm expressing that i do "give a fuck" i actually don't?
The question is which is more practical for survival, to give the appearance of not caring b/c you care too much, or the appearance of caring, b/c you don't care as much.
I choose the former rather than the latter. to be honest. maybe b/c i've learned along the way that it pays to appear to not care rather than really not care and show that you care. but then again maybe it's the company i've been keeping.
The question now, is can i conceivably re-condition myself to be that way again, do i want to, is it healthy?
this is so stupid. who the hell cares. maybe just you.
i hope i don't have chronic bronchitis.
i haven't had a cigarette since yesterday.