Night

[animestar0327]

I don't know what is going on with me lately. I hate being single. Honestly, I always thought I was so independant. But now I know that's not true. I feel lonely. Really really lonely. If only people knew. Having someone there is having someone to listen to all my complicated thoughts. Now they just dwell in my brain. Stay and rot. All the sad ones too. I feel useless. I feel like all my romantic ideals are too advanced. I feel like I touch insanity and it keeps me up at night composing music, drawing or writing cliche depressing works. I can still laugh at myself luckily but the joyous sounds don't cheer me up. There are so few people who actually care anymore. So few who actually listen and analyze and dream. They go about their days hunting for drugs to help the pain, to ignore the truth. I live in a world of material. No one cares that there's a world out there when I just want to drive and see it. I just want to stop in some little hick town and grab a cup of coffee. I want to listen to their dialects. I want to hear what music makes them dance. I want to see what couples there call love. I just want to take it in and break up bad memories with happy ones. I just want to sing at the top of my lungs driving and getting a drivers tan in the rare winter sun. I need so much, and I don't think any one would be willing to give it to me. I just need to simply have someone who thinks as deep as me and isn't afraid to let it out. So many people are so scared nowadays. So many people watch what they say afraid that they'll be judged. Well I'll admit I'll judge you but let me make that judgement. I'd rather honestly know a person and not like him or her than love a mask that eventually comes off and hides a grotesque. My ex-boyfriend knew for a month that he didn't feel the spark anymore before we broke up. A month I was dating someone who was pretending to care. I was dating an actor in a sick pornography of lies and deceit and selfish acts. Or maybe it had been longer, I think. As I said, I'm a romantic. I truly loved him, and I was willing to do anything for him and his family. His mom was like the mom I had always needed after mine passed away. She listened and told me the truth about life. Let me see when she was angry claiming I was part of the family. She cried feeling bad when I didn't know for weeks before we broke up why he wouldn't answer the phone or return my calls. She actually cried. I still love her, the girls, his brother, and him, just in a different way now. I care in that I hope they live good lives. I hope his mom doesn't have to always work so hard. I hope the girls are doing okay in their new school. I hope his brother made some friends. I hope he is happy with his new girlfriend. I guess I've always cared more for others and not enough about myself. I find that I call everyone and no one has a strong desire just to call me. Maybe I isolated myself too much. Maybe I come off as threatening. Maybe I'm too opinionated and guys want their girls dumb and naive. Well, I'm not sure I can say I'm not naive. I'm sure there still is a bit in me. But that I'll find later. I'll look back and laugh the bittersweet laugh as before. I'll think of these as better days at that point. I'll think of it as me being young and reckless. Hmph.
Loneliness makes me think too much and say too much.
And no one listens.
So it echoes in my skull.
And resonates.
And keeps me awake.