(no subject)

[animeshen]

I labored for weeks over this animation final- hours and hours of days and days- and in the end it looks…. adequate. It’s passable. Not great. My fucking blood, sweat and tears and its an okay animation. Thats not what I want. This is such a let-down. Do I not practice drawing every damn day? For more than TWENTY years? And almost no one knows me. No one looks at my art and says, “THAT person, they are amazing, I want to draw like THEM.” They say, “thats a pretty good drawing.” and then move on. Once on the street, a vagrant asked to see my sketchbook. I let him see. He opened it to exactly one page, filled with sketchdump doodles of trying to work out a design, and hes PRAISING my art, you are SO talented, never turns a page- then he shows some random passer-by that one page, without my permission. “Don’t you think shes such a great artist?” The passer-by, and I’m not kidding, says “Eh. I’ve seen better.” That is the god damned story of my life. Thats my art in a nutshell (hell, thats my LOOKS, too.) “Eh. I’ve seen better.” And then the vagrant asked me for five bucks. Its like, all this money and time I’m spending on schooling to be better- am I wasting my fucking life? Is it worth it to bother and try to enter such a competitive field, with so many rivals who are so much younger and more talented than me, with artwork thats “passable” at best?

I’m… I’m sorry. I don’t mean to get so whiny and self depreciating. I just have no one to talk to about this. When I’m feeling down about myself, Matt just pinches me and says “Stop it. You’re amazing.” Well yeah you have to say that, you married me. I don’t know if anyone will read this but if you do, sorry to waste your time, but thanks for letting me vent.