ugh...
dammit, I dont feel good today, not sick physically, but mentally. I am so bored, I feel very anxious, I hate when I get in these kinds of moods cause thats when I start to feel suicidal and/or have panic attacks. I hate staying in this house all day just sitting here, I think I would actually rather be at work than here right now. I have some kind of curse in my brain that likes to analyze every aspect a situation could possibly have, and I cant help but just think about these things some times, and then I can start turning into a emotional pile of mush (I probably have some kind of bi-polar disorder, in addition to everything else) I feel so selfish because of these things sometimes. ugh... why cant I verbally communicate these things to anyone, maybe its just that I dont ever have the opportunity, or maybe I just dont wanna scare anyone away, I have too many problems, and no one wants to deal with a person with alot of problems, so I just let it rot inside... perhaps I also have multiple personalities. sometimes I feel like such a fuck up, I can never stay in one mood that I like. I also hate when I have to think about my future and actually trying to achieve and ultimate goal of doing something I am still trying to figure out, it scares me alot sometimes, so much work... and I get scared of it, and want to hide, and pretend its not there. sometimes I just want my life to end, I just think to myself "yeah, I am about ready for this to end" yet its only just begun. I wrote out a text documet a week or so ago when I was feeling pretty down, and this is what it said
"I either kill myself, or live and have it kill me on the inside and then just die eventually anyway. brought in the world without a choice and given responsibilities. Its all just one big inevitability. Yes I know I am a coward, weak, pathetic, lost, confused, and scared. The mask I sometimes wear pulls at my heart, and draws my soul from myself, to the point where I dont know who I am. I hate this existance, and how ever you describe this state of conciousness... I just want out."
I was not feeling good at all that night, perhaps I am just a fuck up, that is just gonna try and hide and run away from responsability, I need a purpose, someone or something thats special enough so that I wont ever consider suicide, I dont think any doctor or medicine can help me, its more in my beliefs that makes me how I am, I dont know if I can turn back or what I can do. I feel so alone sometimes... heh, my sister knocks on my door and comes in in the middle of this, and I have to pretend everything is alright... put on a plastic smile, *sigh* I dont feel well at all... Heh, the cycle continues.
"I either kill myself, or live and have it kill me on the inside and then just die eventually anyway. brought in the world without a choice and given responsibilities. Its all just one big inevitability. Yes I know I am a coward, weak, pathetic, lost, confused, and scared. The mask I sometimes wear pulls at my heart, and draws my soul from myself, to the point where I dont know who I am. I hate this existance, and how ever you describe this state of conciousness... I just want out."
I was not feeling good at all that night, perhaps I am just a fuck up, that is just gonna try and hide and run away from responsability, I need a purpose, someone or something thats special enough so that I wont ever consider suicide, I dont think any doctor or medicine can help me, its more in my beliefs that makes me how I am, I dont know if I can turn back or what I can do. I feel so alone sometimes... heh, my sister knocks on my door and comes in in the middle of this, and I have to pretend everything is alright... put on a plastic smile, *sigh* I dont feel well at all... Heh, the cycle continues.