Trauma and healing.
I almost didn't recognize you, LiveJournal. Looking a lot different than I remember. I actually only came here due to an email that randomly popped up after.. like, 8 years of inactivity? I thought I would drop in and say hello.
It's been a really long time, hasn't it..? I'm probably speaking to the void at this point, since I don't think anyone I used to speak to on here is still active. Man has a lot happened since the last time I posted regularly, but I suppose that's not a surprise. I went back and read through a lot of the posts during my insomnia episode last night, and all I can say is.. sheesh. That was a lot of trauma.
Thankfully, I can say I don't have any negativity to report about the person (who now goes by Vess/Vesuvia) that was abusive towards me, since maybe 6+ years ago now we did make actual amends and haven't spoken since. I don't think she's the same person she was (I hope), and I can say I'm sure as hell not. I've had a few instances of other people who intended to do me harm in very similar ways, but I cut them off before they were able and didn't react how they wanted me to; at least in one case. The other who did have a negative impact was someone who I knew for 15 years that I just cut off at the end of last year. They had already caused me significant trauma a couple years prior, but somehow roped me back in for the last time 4 or so years ago to manipulate and use me. Safe to say, I actually made great friends from leaving them behind, people who they slandered to prevent any close connection or finding the truth out. I don't consider cutting the person out a loss. I gained a good portion of my lost energy back and got closer to kinder, understanding people who are just like me. I got back energy I never thought I'd see again. Amazing how these toxic people can become energy vampires. I'm still working through that trauma and likely will be for a long time.
I do think it's safe to say that I can finally put some of the things I blamed myself for to rest. A lot of the trauma's still been stuck to me like glue, in some ways. Ways I was never truly understanding of before. Seeing a lot of those old posts..was really eye opening. I've always been who I said I was. I didn't know why I ever questioned that. I didn't know why I blamed myself for things that weren't my fault. It was more deeply rooted than I ever imagined. It was bittersweet to take a trip down memory lane.. to relive those awful moments and feel the same physical ailments I felt then. I still remember that. I didn't know I remembered that as much as I did until I saw it again. But I'm glad I did it. It's only further proved that I wasn't the problem. Aside from me telling myself, how can someone who constantly tells themself they must be the issue, actually have it be so? These people don't even question their motives, or their antics.. they just do it. They feel no shame. They throw the blame on others, and project their insecurities onto them.
I honestly had to stop and ask myself: "How did I live through all of this?" My trauma never made me stronger; I did. I bounced back each and every time. I don't know how I'm still here, but I'm thankful. I've always had a strong will to live for some reason, and it's carried me through life and continues to do so. I didn't think I would live a day past 18, if I even got to that point. I'm 32 now. Life is still hard, but it's "livable" in a sense. I've been the "parent" friend to many because I was forced to "grow up" too early, but I love and connect deeply. I was still teaching myself things I should have been taught as a child, up until I actually matured at 19. And while some may have chosen to take advantage of my kindness and understanding, there are still people who appreciate it, and express that not just through their words, but also their actions. I am thankful for that.
..Since losing my father, in 2014, I've been very compassionate and understanding of people (I suppose I was before, also), and it helped open my eyes to those who did nothing but take advantage of me. I always believed I was kind and understanding to a fault. That event was one of the worst of my life. It made my life even darker than it already had been, and I didn't think I would be able to come out of it. I honestly expected to end it there. There's a lot I haven't said, obviously. I know a lot of my entries were about how much he annoyed me, which.. fair, I was living with him; and this was like my diary, almost. I never hated him and I'm sure it didn't look like I did, just that I needed an escape. In fact, I cared so much that everything he was doing with his life stressed me out and I made it my own problem as well without realizing it. I feel other peoples' emotions just as deeply as my own and I sometimes don't know what to do with that energy.
Once I was able to live with my fiance (surprise- that's something else that's happened. She was originally my 'boyfriend'. And we are still together, after all this time. We got engaged for real, last year.) that stress and anxiety decreased quite a bit. I felt some freedom I never had before. I still went to see my dad often, even though I lived with my girlfriend then (it was a 5 minute drive), but I still to this day recall the last time we spoke, and how I didn't accept his invite to the restaurant he went to on his birthday. It wasn't that I didn't..just that I didn't know how I felt that day and if I'd feel up to it. I've always been an intuitive person, and if I think there's a chance I won't feel great, I don't want to ruin it for the other person/people. In short, I couldn't make up my mind and he went without me. Fair. We had spoken at least once or twice a week on skype for a long time. He didn't message me at all after that, or even call. It was.. really strange. 11 days later, I learned he passed away from a heart attack. Obviously, saying "I should have said yes" to the restaurant date doesn't change how things went. And I don't think it would have magically saved his life. He was sick and he was good at hiding it. He hid himself from everyone after that, even my uncle whom he was close with (who also passed a couple years after him, from leukemia). Although I did notice that when I was a bit younger, I did write about how he said he didn't think he'd make it another year. He was half right. He did live another 5 years after that post, at least. I spent the time with him that I could. Aside from his psychotic religious spiels and hard head, he was a good father. He wasn't perfect, and even immature at times, but he took care of me the best he could as my dad. I still miss him a lot. It doesn't get any easier, but he does visit me very often in my dreams. I know he's still here.
I think this is going to be more for me, at this point. I hope I can finally heal some of my past trauma.