Cut me open and expose me before the Gods
I have reached the end of my rope. With myself. Myself, you suck!
This is all due to my ability in relating to the children. I asked the Gods last night for a re-wiring. Damn their slow some times. I was hoping that it would have happened last night so that I would awaken anew. But again this morning my rage got the best of me. I wish for nothing more than to be able to unconditionally love these two divine children. I don't think that I can even say I have any understanding as to why this part of me exists. I am at this point of animalistic reactionary response. A firecracker with hardly a fuse. And it is getting worse. Long dark spirals down to I don’t know where.
Where are the Gods taking me? Mostly I feel as though this is the biggest distraction around. Keeping me from focusing my attention where I need to. What are the Gods attempting to teach me? Damn it, be clear will you!
Out of all the people on this planet that I know why would I choose a defenseless nine-year-old boy to bear the load of my rage. For that matter, what the hell am I doing with rage? This cannot possibly be mine. This is not me. I can't figure out for the life of me what I have to be "in-rage" about. I mean really, Jonathan, what on earth do you have to be angry with? What?! For the sake of the Gods man, what?
They say it comes from fear. I look. I don't think I see fear. Maybe I delude myself, not sure. I look. I see uncertainty. This I have asked for. I look. Does this uncertainty bring to me fear? I have no idea.
I just thought that right now I am afraid, afraid that this is really who I am. Maybe this soft, compassionate, loving Jonathan was an illusion. Maybe I am so full of fear, anger, hate, rage that I can no longer contain myself and I am starting to leak out the truth. I remember being here before. This place is dark, looking around I see nothing. There is only darkness. And the Darkness remembers me. We've been here before. I know you're out there. I know cause I remember from before. You are the one who imprisoned me here the last time. I do not know how you got me here again or why I am here. Am I sure that I had even left? Oh, yes, I am sure. I simply don't know why I am here again. Come out, Come out where ever you are...
This is all due to my ability in relating to the children. I asked the Gods last night for a re-wiring. Damn their slow some times. I was hoping that it would have happened last night so that I would awaken anew. But again this morning my rage got the best of me. I wish for nothing more than to be able to unconditionally love these two divine children. I don't think that I can even say I have any understanding as to why this part of me exists. I am at this point of animalistic reactionary response. A firecracker with hardly a fuse. And it is getting worse. Long dark spirals down to I don’t know where.
Where are the Gods taking me? Mostly I feel as though this is the biggest distraction around. Keeping me from focusing my attention where I need to. What are the Gods attempting to teach me? Damn it, be clear will you!
Out of all the people on this planet that I know why would I choose a defenseless nine-year-old boy to bear the load of my rage. For that matter, what the hell am I doing with rage? This cannot possibly be mine. This is not me. I can't figure out for the life of me what I have to be "in-rage" about. I mean really, Jonathan, what on earth do you have to be angry with? What?! For the sake of the Gods man, what?
They say it comes from fear. I look. I don't think I see fear. Maybe I delude myself, not sure. I look. I see uncertainty. This I have asked for. I look. Does this uncertainty bring to me fear? I have no idea.
I just thought that right now I am afraid, afraid that this is really who I am. Maybe this soft, compassionate, loving Jonathan was an illusion. Maybe I am so full of fear, anger, hate, rage that I can no longer contain myself and I am starting to leak out the truth. I remember being here before. This place is dark, looking around I see nothing. There is only darkness. And the Darkness remembers me. We've been here before. I know you're out there. I know cause I remember from before. You are the one who imprisoned me here the last time. I do not know how you got me here again or why I am here. Am I sure that I had even left? Oh, yes, I am sure. I simply don't know why I am here again. Come out, Come out where ever you are...