Sea of Shadows WW 06006
I'm sitting here, listening to music from Super Robot Wars, and it's the damnedest thing; I can feel hope. I do honestly feel taxed, like I've been pulled backwards through a woodchipper, but there's just somethin' about this track. Maybe I should make the point of listening to this when I'm feeling low, as Victory just heats my blood.
I don't really know what I should be putting here, suffice it to say I simply feel like I should. Maybe it's a faulted attempt at catharsis, I don't know.
As always, I'm starin' down the barrel of change, and I know the hammer's already been pulled back. Liz is movin' out in December, which leaves me in something of a bad position, but not entirely. I can, theoretically, take the apartment for myself and afford it, it'll just be expensive which means reevaluating my finances. I could always move in with Allan and them in January, but to be truthful, I hate Brown's Court. Give it a new name, a new coat of paint, and some security cameras, and it's still a place I don't want to live again. Houses in a fuckin' box, what a retarded concept. Plus, the rent's just too damned high.
Beyond the obvious living arrangement issues, there's the problem of regret. I regret alot of the stuff I've done to Liz over the years. I've hurt her so many different ways it's not funny, all for the state of malice. I personally can't accept the idea of someone loving me, and when I'm forced to face it, I try my damnedest to make them realize the error of their ways, including making myself into a greater monster than even I am. The arguement could be made that, if it really hurt her that much, she could've fought back or walked away, but that's bullshit and we all know it. Love is blind and stupid; loving a horror will get your eyes burst and your brain rent open. I've rationalized it, I've justified it, changed my own memories or candy-coated it so everything seems fine, but in the end, when all is said and done, I hurt Liz strictly because she loved me, and that makes me more of a bastard than any absent father could.
Now, I don't know if she loves me anymore, and as with all things, we're of at least two minds about it. On the one hand, if she does, than it means I haven't hurt her so deeply she won't love anyone ever again, which is good. But it also means she's still in love with me, which is bad. If she doesn't, it'll make the ending easier, but I'll know that it was a love I killed with my own hatred, and that's not right either. Blame it on that "good" ideal I try to abscribe to every now and again, but killing love is hardly something to brag about.
And yes, I do mean "ending," as I've been on this particular stage before. Sure, the set is slightly different and the musical cues are off, but the plot is basically the same: Liz'll move, and that's pretty much the last we'll see of each other. There'll be the occaisional chat online, or bumpin' into each other at a store or somethin', but that's about it.
As if to add another cut to this one, Sheila's dying. And not in that simple "she's old and fading." No, my kitty is coughing up yellow crap, she's barely eating, and she sleeps constantly. My inaction two years ago cost Max her life, as I should've found a better solution than having her put down. But now, now I can feel the reaper closing in, and he knows it too; she's gonna die very soon and there's not a damned thing I can do to stop it. Pisses me right off. I know it's the natural process of life, I also know I don't give a shit about my own death, but this isn't me, this is someone I care about. I've had Sheila since I was 9, and soon, all I'm gonna have are memories. Memories are bullshit anyway, as I can just change them as I see fit.
Beyond all that, work is ass. Same shitty job, same shitty hours, same shitty pay. Nightfall, PSU, and Marvel UA all come out within 3 days of each other, which is hell on my pay. The PS3 and Wii come out in November, and I simply won't have the cash. Also, I need to replace my compy, as it's 5 years old and cookin' in its own right. I need to start payin' off the university, I want to visit Rian and them at year end but I don't know if it'll happen.
All and all, I'm lookin' to the future only to see pure uncertainty, and I'm lookin' to the past only to find regret, and I wish I could say either was different from normal. Ah well, I'm feelin' tired still, think I'll listen to Skill again and see if I can't get some of that hope back.
I don't really know what I should be putting here, suffice it to say I simply feel like I should. Maybe it's a faulted attempt at catharsis, I don't know.
As always, I'm starin' down the barrel of change, and I know the hammer's already been pulled back. Liz is movin' out in December, which leaves me in something of a bad position, but not entirely. I can, theoretically, take the apartment for myself and afford it, it'll just be expensive which means reevaluating my finances. I could always move in with Allan and them in January, but to be truthful, I hate Brown's Court. Give it a new name, a new coat of paint, and some security cameras, and it's still a place I don't want to live again. Houses in a fuckin' box, what a retarded concept. Plus, the rent's just too damned high.
Beyond the obvious living arrangement issues, there's the problem of regret. I regret alot of the stuff I've done to Liz over the years. I've hurt her so many different ways it's not funny, all for the state of malice. I personally can't accept the idea of someone loving me, and when I'm forced to face it, I try my damnedest to make them realize the error of their ways, including making myself into a greater monster than even I am. The arguement could be made that, if it really hurt her that much, she could've fought back or walked away, but that's bullshit and we all know it. Love is blind and stupid; loving a horror will get your eyes burst and your brain rent open. I've rationalized it, I've justified it, changed my own memories or candy-coated it so everything seems fine, but in the end, when all is said and done, I hurt Liz strictly because she loved me, and that makes me more of a bastard than any absent father could.
Now, I don't know if she loves me anymore, and as with all things, we're of at least two minds about it. On the one hand, if she does, than it means I haven't hurt her so deeply she won't love anyone ever again, which is good. But it also means she's still in love with me, which is bad. If she doesn't, it'll make the ending easier, but I'll know that it was a love I killed with my own hatred, and that's not right either. Blame it on that "good" ideal I try to abscribe to every now and again, but killing love is hardly something to brag about.
And yes, I do mean "ending," as I've been on this particular stage before. Sure, the set is slightly different and the musical cues are off, but the plot is basically the same: Liz'll move, and that's pretty much the last we'll see of each other. There'll be the occaisional chat online, or bumpin' into each other at a store or somethin', but that's about it.
As if to add another cut to this one, Sheila's dying. And not in that simple "she's old and fading." No, my kitty is coughing up yellow crap, she's barely eating, and she sleeps constantly. My inaction two years ago cost Max her life, as I should've found a better solution than having her put down. But now, now I can feel the reaper closing in, and he knows it too; she's gonna die very soon and there's not a damned thing I can do to stop it. Pisses me right off. I know it's the natural process of life, I also know I don't give a shit about my own death, but this isn't me, this is someone I care about. I've had Sheila since I was 9, and soon, all I'm gonna have are memories. Memories are bullshit anyway, as I can just change them as I see fit.
Beyond all that, work is ass. Same shitty job, same shitty hours, same shitty pay. Nightfall, PSU, and Marvel UA all come out within 3 days of each other, which is hell on my pay. The PS3 and Wii come out in November, and I simply won't have the cash. Also, I need to replace my compy, as it's 5 years old and cookin' in its own right. I need to start payin' off the university, I want to visit Rian and them at year end but I don't know if it'll happen.
All and all, I'm lookin' to the future only to see pure uncertainty, and I'm lookin' to the past only to find regret, and I wish I could say either was different from normal. Ah well, I'm feelin' tired still, think I'll listen to Skill again and see if I can't get some of that hope back.