extemporaneous
I never know what is going to pour from my fingers when I sit down and type in here. Planning is useless, I can never follow through with plans. Recently, as in 'a few days ago', i had a day in which i came to a good number of reflections that would have made good food for thought - I made a mental note to myself to store them in my memory to jot them down here on LJ, but i have since forgotten them. They would have made good lyrics to a song.
I have been thinking of Robyn dispassionately. I am completely over him - I realized this one day and the realization actually surprised me - and the reason i know this is that when I think of him, I no longer feel anger or pain. The fist around my heart no longer contracts at the mention of his name. I am at peace with the thought of him. I remember there was a point I doubted I ever could be.
There is the risk in using pseudonyms instead of real names, that when I look back on this journal in a few years' time, I will no longer remember the person they stand for, who it was I was talking about.
Comunque.
See how fickle the heart is. Il biondo di Beijing is what I will call the boy who put knots in my stomach. Il biondo di Beijing non m'interessa piu`, as is only natural. I only recognize that it was true in that moment in time that there was that possibility I did not explore, that I felt a huge potential behind this door I not only failed to open, but ran away from completely.
"A definire una relazione, sono le altre relazioni." What defines a relationship are your other relationships. And now, let me quote from another user's journal, because she states it well and besides, I am too lazy to exert the effort of paraphrasing it: "a definire una relazione, sono le altre relazioni. Ed è davvero così. Certe persone calano e crescono di importanza per noi a seconda dell'importanza degli altri. E alla parola "importanza" si può sostituire "amore", "affetto", "simpatia" o quel che più si creda rispondente a ciò che ci lega alle altre persone." Sometimes I wish that love were absolute, because that would make things simpler and easier to understand and recognize, but love has proven time and time again not to be absolute but relative.
Another probable reason for my change of heart with regard to il biondo di Beijing (surprising if you consider the stength of the impact he had on me) is that a door unopened is a door unopened and it remains unopened while you open other doors. I saw my Roman Sibling again and I also don't know how I feel for him. There's quite a bunch of people for whom my feelings are equivocal. Menomale che nessuno m'abbia ancora chiesto di chiarirlo per loro, because I wouldn't be able to. But there was this other girl and it was really awkward. I could tell it was awkward for her as it was for me. I know he has mentioned me to her because she said my name before we were even introduced to each other. Something stung her about my presence and something stung me about her presence. The only one who didn't seem to notice these things was he. Maybe it's because he isn't aware of the feelings of one of us. Although I don't know exactly who i'm referring to. Whether it's her or me I'm referring to. I don't know if she's his girlfriend and I think I don't want to know, I also just don't feel like I can ask him - I feel as if asking him would be awkward. Our relationship is not such that I can ask him -- does that make sense? Of course one can form the words with his mouth but it wouldn't be going with the flow, with the natural way of things, to ask him. He would realize that there is a consequence to his answer that might disrupt the natural way our friendship has been flowing. Although it shouldn't be that way. And I know I would try to fight it, but it would ultimately end up that way because I can help my actions but not feelings and feelings have a way of influencing outcomes as well. I think things felt so awkward because my worth to him was being threatened by the presence of this other girl. Although that isn't exactly true because he was extremely good to me, the way he is when i like him, even in front of her, so I should have nothing to worry about. I think it's that I know he values me, but seeing him with other people he values makes me feel insecure about my place of value. Does that make sense? I always get this way with the people I care about. I am inherently a possessive person over the people I care about. I just try to hide it, that's all. If she is his girlfriend, how come he did not introduce her as such to me? If she is his girlfriend, it was wrong towards her not to introduce her to me as his girlfriend. I hated that about Robyn, when I was faced with countless contenders who were not aware of our togetherness, however precarious it might have been. Anyway, I came home from that encounter with so many questions. See, afterwards, she left, and so it was just him and me and I caught him looking at me with this look on his face that I've caught him with before already, just that i don't know what to make of it. It reminds me of the way that Robyn used to look at me. A certain fond adoration. I don't know. I don't place my faith on 'looks' because they are so unreliable. He looks at me one way and then acts another way. He is good to me and that is all that matters, I want to keep that going, take whatever little dose of it I can get, surreptitiously, and guard it.
Maybe the matter with me is that I am hungry for affection. In actions, I am responsible about love and people, but in my heart there is a ravenous monster.
I have been thinking of Robyn dispassionately. I am completely over him - I realized this one day and the realization actually surprised me - and the reason i know this is that when I think of him, I no longer feel anger or pain. The fist around my heart no longer contracts at the mention of his name. I am at peace with the thought of him. I remember there was a point I doubted I ever could be.
There is the risk in using pseudonyms instead of real names, that when I look back on this journal in a few years' time, I will no longer remember the person they stand for, who it was I was talking about.
Comunque.
See how fickle the heart is. Il biondo di Beijing is what I will call the boy who put knots in my stomach. Il biondo di Beijing non m'interessa piu`, as is only natural. I only recognize that it was true in that moment in time that there was that possibility I did not explore, that I felt a huge potential behind this door I not only failed to open, but ran away from completely.
"A definire una relazione, sono le altre relazioni." What defines a relationship are your other relationships. And now, let me quote from another user's journal, because she states it well and besides, I am too lazy to exert the effort of paraphrasing it: "a definire una relazione, sono le altre relazioni. Ed è davvero così. Certe persone calano e crescono di importanza per noi a seconda dell'importanza degli altri. E alla parola "importanza" si può sostituire "amore", "affetto", "simpatia" o quel che più si creda rispondente a ciò che ci lega alle altre persone." Sometimes I wish that love were absolute, because that would make things simpler and easier to understand and recognize, but love has proven time and time again not to be absolute but relative.
Another probable reason for my change of heart with regard to il biondo di Beijing (surprising if you consider the stength of the impact he had on me) is that a door unopened is a door unopened and it remains unopened while you open other doors. I saw my Roman Sibling again and I also don't know how I feel for him. There's quite a bunch of people for whom my feelings are equivocal. Menomale che nessuno m'abbia ancora chiesto di chiarirlo per loro, because I wouldn't be able to. But there was this other girl and it was really awkward. I could tell it was awkward for her as it was for me. I know he has mentioned me to her because she said my name before we were even introduced to each other. Something stung her about my presence and something stung me about her presence. The only one who didn't seem to notice these things was he. Maybe it's because he isn't aware of the feelings of one of us. Although I don't know exactly who i'm referring to. Whether it's her or me I'm referring to. I don't know if she's his girlfriend and I think I don't want to know, I also just don't feel like I can ask him - I feel as if asking him would be awkward. Our relationship is not such that I can ask him -- does that make sense? Of course one can form the words with his mouth but it wouldn't be going with the flow, with the natural way of things, to ask him. He would realize that there is a consequence to his answer that might disrupt the natural way our friendship has been flowing. Although it shouldn't be that way. And I know I would try to fight it, but it would ultimately end up that way because I can help my actions but not feelings and feelings have a way of influencing outcomes as well. I think things felt so awkward because my worth to him was being threatened by the presence of this other girl. Although that isn't exactly true because he was extremely good to me, the way he is when i like him, even in front of her, so I should have nothing to worry about. I think it's that I know he values me, but seeing him with other people he values makes me feel insecure about my place of value. Does that make sense? I always get this way with the people I care about. I am inherently a possessive person over the people I care about. I just try to hide it, that's all. If she is his girlfriend, how come he did not introduce her as such to me? If she is his girlfriend, it was wrong towards her not to introduce her to me as his girlfriend. I hated that about Robyn, when I was faced with countless contenders who were not aware of our togetherness, however precarious it might have been. Anyway, I came home from that encounter with so many questions. See, afterwards, she left, and so it was just him and me and I caught him looking at me with this look on his face that I've caught him with before already, just that i don't know what to make of it. It reminds me of the way that Robyn used to look at me. A certain fond adoration. I don't know. I don't place my faith on 'looks' because they are so unreliable. He looks at me one way and then acts another way. He is good to me and that is all that matters, I want to keep that going, take whatever little dose of it I can get, surreptitiously, and guard it.
Maybe the matter with me is that I am hungry for affection. In actions, I am responsible about love and people, but in my heart there is a ravenous monster.