Holidays
I love and hate being cold.
I hate it for the obvious reasons. Who wants to not be able to feel their hands and feet? And who wants a runny nose?
But I love it because it reminds me that it's winter. And I love Winter, and Autumn. Hate, hate, hate Summer and Spring.
It reminds me of dark evenings that are full of people because it's only 5pm, with none of the anxiety that comes with being on your own late at night.
It reminds me of dark snowy nights when it's almost not even cold and totally silent.
It reminds me of being home with no heating on and freezing my arse off, begging my mum to turn it on.
It reminds me of Yule.
Ah yule. Yule and I have had a tempestuous past. We didn't used to get along, mainly because my priorities were still set on christmas. It was more of a prelude than anything else. And sometimes a source of my depression.
But now I think that, despite the fact I have a birthday on a festival and that halloween used to be the most magical time of the year for me, Yule is most definitely my favourite festival of all.
It's everything in a neat little package, it's bittersweet and whirling, yet serene. It's the warmth of family and being alone. It's being loved and loving, looking forward and looking back.
I never could get along with the contradiction of it at the beginning. And I have been shuttling between christmas and yule at one time or another. At the beginning I hated christmas, it was so fake to me and I couldn't see how anyone could celebrate on such a lie of a day, that was mid-teens. I was the annoying one that said things like, "but you know this is just based on......" or "the christmas tree is just a variation on....", but it was still a time when I wasn't in full support of yule. It wasn't in my bones yet. And I was still not quite comfortable enough with my own company to appreciate it as I do now.
I feel I've reached a happy medium though now. Yule is a time for me to bask and be happy and be with myself. Christmas is a time I get to make my yule for my family. I get to hound them with traditions and they go along with them. It might be better now that I love elsewhere too, it makes it better seeing them all again when I haven't seen them for a while.
Although last year was DISMAL. Worst christmas/yule ever and most stressful. I hope this year will be alot better, I feel that it should be.
I want to do the present thing, and the poems thing and make them laugh, and mess with the tree and joke about decorations and put up my tree (last year it went up on like christmas eve- I was so not interested in christmas last year) and partake in that thing they call christmas spirit. I hope it snows, that would rock. And I want to pull crackers, drive mini cars over the table, joke with Mike, drink shloer out of my dad's crystal glasses, see his eyes sparkle just before we eat when he looks round the table and sees us all. See my mum laugh, watch my mum do crosswords, shuffling from room to room until she finds one that isn't filled with noise, listen to my dad's atrocious offkey really fucking loud singing as he sings all the carols and hymns on tv while he cooks breakfast in his dressing gown and makes orange juice.
I want to laugh at the huge difference between Daniel and Michael and how it makes me laugh to listen to Dan's tone change into this pathetic whine when he talks to Jo and becomes all "babes...." and how when Michael's changes it seems so much more vulnerable yet strong.
I want to feel my room, rejoin with the things I've missed, find things I didn't realise I'd missed until I see them again. Take out all my crystals, pull the curtains round my bed when I sleep, have late night non-depressing conversations with ppl, perhaps Emma on the phone in the kichen with a cup of tea.
I WANT TO SEE EMMA.
I want to sit on the worktop when my mum comes in and chat like adults. I want to hug my dad.
I want to play the piano, faster and faster as I remember old songs or watch dad and Mike play pool, laughing.
I want to kill the next door neighbours who have just turned their music right up.
)0(
I hate it for the obvious reasons. Who wants to not be able to feel their hands and feet? And who wants a runny nose?
But I love it because it reminds me that it's winter. And I love Winter, and Autumn. Hate, hate, hate Summer and Spring.
It reminds me of dark evenings that are full of people because it's only 5pm, with none of the anxiety that comes with being on your own late at night.
It reminds me of dark snowy nights when it's almost not even cold and totally silent.
It reminds me of being home with no heating on and freezing my arse off, begging my mum to turn it on.
It reminds me of Yule.
Ah yule. Yule and I have had a tempestuous past. We didn't used to get along, mainly because my priorities were still set on christmas. It was more of a prelude than anything else. And sometimes a source of my depression.
But now I think that, despite the fact I have a birthday on a festival and that halloween used to be the most magical time of the year for me, Yule is most definitely my favourite festival of all.
It's everything in a neat little package, it's bittersweet and whirling, yet serene. It's the warmth of family and being alone. It's being loved and loving, looking forward and looking back.
I never could get along with the contradiction of it at the beginning. And I have been shuttling between christmas and yule at one time or another. At the beginning I hated christmas, it was so fake to me and I couldn't see how anyone could celebrate on such a lie of a day, that was mid-teens. I was the annoying one that said things like, "but you know this is just based on......" or "the christmas tree is just a variation on....", but it was still a time when I wasn't in full support of yule. It wasn't in my bones yet. And I was still not quite comfortable enough with my own company to appreciate it as I do now.
I feel I've reached a happy medium though now. Yule is a time for me to bask and be happy and be with myself. Christmas is a time I get to make my yule for my family. I get to hound them with traditions and they go along with them. It might be better now that I love elsewhere too, it makes it better seeing them all again when I haven't seen them for a while.
Although last year was DISMAL. Worst christmas/yule ever and most stressful. I hope this year will be alot better, I feel that it should be.
I want to do the present thing, and the poems thing and make them laugh, and mess with the tree and joke about decorations and put up my tree (last year it went up on like christmas eve- I was so not interested in christmas last year) and partake in that thing they call christmas spirit. I hope it snows, that would rock. And I want to pull crackers, drive mini cars over the table, joke with Mike, drink shloer out of my dad's crystal glasses, see his eyes sparkle just before we eat when he looks round the table and sees us all. See my mum laugh, watch my mum do crosswords, shuffling from room to room until she finds one that isn't filled with noise, listen to my dad's atrocious offkey really fucking loud singing as he sings all the carols and hymns on tv while he cooks breakfast in his dressing gown and makes orange juice.
I want to laugh at the huge difference between Daniel and Michael and how it makes me laugh to listen to Dan's tone change into this pathetic whine when he talks to Jo and becomes all "babes...." and how when Michael's changes it seems so much more vulnerable yet strong.
I want to feel my room, rejoin with the things I've missed, find things I didn't realise I'd missed until I see them again. Take out all my crystals, pull the curtains round my bed when I sleep, have late night non-depressing conversations with ppl, perhaps Emma on the phone in the kichen with a cup of tea.
I WANT TO SEE EMMA.
I want to sit on the worktop when my mum comes in and chat like adults. I want to hug my dad.
I want to play the piano, faster and faster as I remember old songs or watch dad and Mike play pool, laughing.
I want to kill the next door neighbours who have just turned their music right up.
)0(