phone conversation
Perhaps university has always been the maker and breaker of our family, it seems that way with Dan and my parents and I'm starting to think it's the same with me, I'm so frustrated. All the positive changes I've made and felt within myself seem to be pretty fucking worthless when I speak to my mum because she point blank refuses to see me as anything but a little girl who's selfish and disrespectful. It hurts when she assumes the tone of my voice is patronizing when I'm simply expressing surprise. How can she be so blind?! I thought she was the one that understood. One minute we're talking about how they're going to throw my stuff out because it won't fit in the car, the next I'm disrespectful and rude and obnoxious. Just because I expressed a wish to live here afer uni. I'm fucking old enough to be able to think about what I want to do, she she can't tell me what I'm going to do anymore.
It's the same when I go home, I feel like a 12 year old again, they make the same arguments, they say I'm this that and the other, the thing is I can't take what they say at face value anymore, I need to know these things through trial and error OF MY OWN MAKING, they have to respect me equally. I was trying to find a way around not having all MY THINGS thrown in the bin, it's ok for her to say it, none of it belongs to her- she's fine with the idea of whatever fits in the car fits. I was looking for a way that would entail me not losing my stuff- apparently I'm just going to have to throw the excess rubbish out, why doesn't she understand? I've LIVED here for a year, it's not just rubbish like you get from a holiday- this is my life. And she's only pissed because i used the word lived. I mean it's true. I hardly live in NI if I'm here over half the time.
She says I can't have everything my own way, I can't live here and yet have my own room at home, I don't see why not...Dan and Mike did it. Well if that's the way it's going to be, it will just serve to make me feel even more unwelcome at home. I'm nearly 19 now, it's about fucking time I get talked to as an adult, not a child. They only seemed to treat me like an adult when they came to see me, I guess that's because we were in unfamiliar territory and not at home. It's situations like these that just make me want my independence more, usually I don't mind being at home, living at home blah blah blah. But more often I want to live in my own house, have a job where I earn my own money and pay for things myself, go to bed when I want, talk to who I want, have MY things in MY home.
When we hung up she was pissed at me even though I apologized for something I hadn't felt I'd done, even after explaining that I could never not appreciate everything she's done. She was short and abrupt with me and you know what? It'll all end up being my fault, dad will talk to me, well accuse me of hurting mum's feelings and noone will take into account that she may have hurt mine with her stupid accusations. Anyone who really knew me, would know that I don't have those opinions and therefore would never feel that way. And she wonders why I'd prefer to be with other people in another place. Because they let themselves see. And she's blind to the change.
)0(
It's the same when I go home, I feel like a 12 year old again, they make the same arguments, they say I'm this that and the other, the thing is I can't take what they say at face value anymore, I need to know these things through trial and error OF MY OWN MAKING, they have to respect me equally. I was trying to find a way around not having all MY THINGS thrown in the bin, it's ok for her to say it, none of it belongs to her- she's fine with the idea of whatever fits in the car fits. I was looking for a way that would entail me not losing my stuff- apparently I'm just going to have to throw the excess rubbish out, why doesn't she understand? I've LIVED here for a year, it's not just rubbish like you get from a holiday- this is my life. And she's only pissed because i used the word lived. I mean it's true. I hardly live in NI if I'm here over half the time.
She says I can't have everything my own way, I can't live here and yet have my own room at home, I don't see why not...Dan and Mike did it. Well if that's the way it's going to be, it will just serve to make me feel even more unwelcome at home. I'm nearly 19 now, it's about fucking time I get talked to as an adult, not a child. They only seemed to treat me like an adult when they came to see me, I guess that's because we were in unfamiliar territory and not at home. It's situations like these that just make me want my independence more, usually I don't mind being at home, living at home blah blah blah. But more often I want to live in my own house, have a job where I earn my own money and pay for things myself, go to bed when I want, talk to who I want, have MY things in MY home.
When we hung up she was pissed at me even though I apologized for something I hadn't felt I'd done, even after explaining that I could never not appreciate everything she's done. She was short and abrupt with me and you know what? It'll all end up being my fault, dad will talk to me, well accuse me of hurting mum's feelings and noone will take into account that she may have hurt mine with her stupid accusations. Anyone who really knew me, would know that I don't have those opinions and therefore would never feel that way. And she wonders why I'd prefer to be with other people in another place. Because they let themselves see. And she's blind to the change.
)0(