(no subject)
Sometimes I think Aine goes out of her way to vex me. Infact I'm pretty sure she'd shift the world if only to annoy me. But it's good because this attitude is making my heart considerably lighter at the idea of her FUCKING LEAVING. It's not like everything isn't already sorted by me as it is, talk about sharing flat duties.
I was working in Laundry with Helen today :-( I might be there for the rest of the week, dying of thirst and being bitched at about Gillian. I have a whole lot of stress on my shoulders as of today and eugh, I just can't be bothered with recalcitrant idiots. I just don't have the leftover energy to produce sympathy for any one but myself right now. And getting lectures all over the place IS NOT HELPING.
I want red jeans and shoes goddamn it.
I don't have the money to want anything-and yes thanks mum and dad that IS all my own fault. Do i REALLY have to start taking responsibility for my actions? Really? Considering I've been told that all my life and have infact been taking responsibility for my own actions FOR QUITE SOME TIME. I'm quite aware that the reason I have no money is because I only started working last month. But I really don't get a kick out of being told how I should have been spending my time more wisely from someone who has NO FUCKING CLUE where my head was at in May/June. I mean I was more of a mess then- I couldn't stand the sight of people, light or the world, couldn't go outside, have lasting or meaningful conversations- had to friggin' drag myself out the front door shaking because I couldn't handle even going to tescos.And who fucking took responsibility for that? OH THAT'S RIGHT I did. It was me that forced myself to get up, me who got a job, me who decided to be brave enough to stay here and not crawl home, it was me that got on a bus to GOD KNOWS WHERE to do GOD KNOWS WHAT all in the name of money. So I suppose that when it all happens again in 2 weeks, it will be ME again who picks up ALL MY OWN GODDAMN pieces. And so what, maybe it will take a month or something, but at least I will know I did it and didn't rely on someone else, or let someone else take responsibility.
"Oh you have to step into the real world." Oh really? Well ok so I don't have a place, I don't have a proper job and I don't have to pay a fucking mortgage. Are they the only things that contribute to real worldness? Because I think I've learned a great deal about people and situations and myself- so I might not be a hardened full-time worker of 40 odd years. It seems to me he hasn't learned everything about the real world himself in all that time. He certainly fucks up sometimes when he speaks to me, making bloody assumptions about things he doesn't know a fuck about.
The thing is though, I'm not angry even though I sound it. Not with him because I know that throughout all this bullshit sometimes he comes out with a gem that so directly hits the bullseye that it doesn't matter if he talks shite half the time.
What I'm actually angry about is that she's leaving. And I'm going to be left here on my own. Right now I don't know if I'll be able to handle that and she's not making it any easier right now by NOT doing the things she ought to be doing for the flat while she's still here.
I really didn't know that rant was coming...
)0(
I was working in Laundry with Helen today :-( I might be there for the rest of the week, dying of thirst and being bitched at about Gillian. I have a whole lot of stress on my shoulders as of today and eugh, I just can't be bothered with recalcitrant idiots. I just don't have the leftover energy to produce sympathy for any one but myself right now. And getting lectures all over the place IS NOT HELPING.
I want red jeans and shoes goddamn it.
I don't have the money to want anything-and yes thanks mum and dad that IS all my own fault. Do i REALLY have to start taking responsibility for my actions? Really? Considering I've been told that all my life and have infact been taking responsibility for my own actions FOR QUITE SOME TIME. I'm quite aware that the reason I have no money is because I only started working last month. But I really don't get a kick out of being told how I should have been spending my time more wisely from someone who has NO FUCKING CLUE where my head was at in May/June. I mean I was more of a mess then- I couldn't stand the sight of people, light or the world, couldn't go outside, have lasting or meaningful conversations- had to friggin' drag myself out the front door shaking because I couldn't handle even going to tescos.And who fucking took responsibility for that? OH THAT'S RIGHT I did. It was me that forced myself to get up, me who got a job, me who decided to be brave enough to stay here and not crawl home, it was me that got on a bus to GOD KNOWS WHERE to do GOD KNOWS WHAT all in the name of money. So I suppose that when it all happens again in 2 weeks, it will be ME again who picks up ALL MY OWN GODDAMN pieces. And so what, maybe it will take a month or something, but at least I will know I did it and didn't rely on someone else, or let someone else take responsibility.
"Oh you have to step into the real world." Oh really? Well ok so I don't have a place, I don't have a proper job and I don't have to pay a fucking mortgage. Are they the only things that contribute to real worldness? Because I think I've learned a great deal about people and situations and myself- so I might not be a hardened full-time worker of 40 odd years. It seems to me he hasn't learned everything about the real world himself in all that time. He certainly fucks up sometimes when he speaks to me, making bloody assumptions about things he doesn't know a fuck about.
The thing is though, I'm not angry even though I sound it. Not with him because I know that throughout all this bullshit sometimes he comes out with a gem that so directly hits the bullseye that it doesn't matter if he talks shite half the time.
What I'm actually angry about is that she's leaving. And I'm going to be left here on my own. Right now I don't know if I'll be able to handle that and she's not making it any easier right now by NOT doing the things she ought to be doing for the flat while she's still here.
I really didn't know that rant was coming...
)0(