(no subject)
It is three months later and still ... nothing! Trust me, I know it’s crazy ... but there are some days that I catch myself wishing he’d just write back, even if it were just a line. I don’t know what good it would do, but I’d just like to know that he read my message. I realize it’s not going to happen, I think I knew as soon as I read his email that I would never hear from him again. I mean really, what could he say? I know what I wanted to hear, what I thought I deserved to hear, but I knew he’d never say those things. If he wasn’t man enough to do the right thing right away, then there was no reason to expect him to do it then.
I guess it was the optimism in me that thought maybe the person I thought he was would eventually surface and feel bad about what happened. Maybe that Ryan would write back and say how ashamed he was of himself, that there was no excuse for what he did, and that he knew sorry wasn’t enough to make it okay. Admitting that he handled the situation all wrong. I guess I hoped that he would say; sometimes, when he sees something that reminds him of me, he thinks of what a good friend I was, just when he really needed it. That it makes him smile because he thinks of what we shared and all the fun we had together and then, well then it hits him. Then he feels horrible because he realizes what he did to me and that I deserved better. It’s not that I want to hear that he’s miserable, it would just be nice to know that sometimes it makes him feel like shit too. When something reminds me of him, I smile for just a second and then, I feel like complete shit because I was such a fool. Thinking I knew him at all, thinking our friendship was valuable. I guess I just wanted him to write back and tell me that I had every right to be angry with him, as if I needed permission or something. I don’t know, I really wanted him to acknowledge that what he did was wrong, I wanted to know that he didn’t have the balls to think it was okay.
I guess it was the optimism in me that thought maybe the person I thought he was would eventually surface and feel bad about what happened. Maybe that Ryan would write back and say how ashamed he was of himself, that there was no excuse for what he did, and that he knew sorry wasn’t enough to make it okay. Admitting that he handled the situation all wrong. I guess I hoped that he would say; sometimes, when he sees something that reminds him of me, he thinks of what a good friend I was, just when he really needed it. That it makes him smile because he thinks of what we shared and all the fun we had together and then, well then it hits him. Then he feels horrible because he realizes what he did to me and that I deserved better. It’s not that I want to hear that he’s miserable, it would just be nice to know that sometimes it makes him feel like shit too. When something reminds me of him, I smile for just a second and then, I feel like complete shit because I was such a fool. Thinking I knew him at all, thinking our friendship was valuable. I guess I just wanted him to write back and tell me that I had every right to be angry with him, as if I needed permission or something. I don’t know, I really wanted him to acknowledge that what he did was wrong, I wanted to know that he didn’t have the balls to think it was okay.