(no subject)
i'm trying to organize my life, my head. it's all jumbled. i've been watching a lot of tv lately, not working, not really doing anything productive. i've been feeling dumb lately, just slow and stupid, not really getting it. i want that to change. i'm looking for more organization and structure to my day and life in general. if i don't have that then i'm all over the place and not getting anything done, and days are slipping by at an increasingly rapid pace. yes. i can no longer let that happen, i don't want to look back and wonder what i did with all my free time. i'm already doing that with the past few weeks i've been unemployed. so i'm using this time to reflect and perhaps set some goals for myself.
health
i have been ridiculously stationary. i went to the gym once a week up until last week, and had to put my membership on hold until i could pay the monthly dues. i eat bad. part of that is because my mom buys a lot of junkfood, frozen food, quick stuff with a lot of carbohydrates, fat, sodium, and i just dont have the money to buy stuff. sometimes i make requests but that gets hard i never know when she goes shopping and then shell randomly show up with a few bags of groceries only to disappear again until the next time. maybe i should email her. but of course its mostly my fault. i just havent been caring. i've gained a lot of weight, my clothes arent fitting very well. i just feel unhealthy on the inside and even my skin on the outside feels gross.
health goals:
jog or walk at least 2-3 times this week
pilates 2-3 times this week
drink one glass of water every 1-2 hours, more if possible and limit juices
control meal portions, limit unhealthy snacks and meals, make an effor to plan meals
home life
i've been pretty good about keeping up with the cleaning, dishes and house stuff. my room is a little disorganized, a lot of papers and books. when i'm in my room i am usually on the computer or watching television. i have been getting along pretty well with brothers, which is really suprising. usually we're at eachothers throats. but we've been working well together, even joe helps with the housework. jake doesnt, but he doesnt through a fit if i do ask him to help out with something. my mom is gone more and more. she doesnt say where she goes or what she does, she just doesnt come home. some times she will during lunch to drop off groceries or get something, but we dont usually see her. it doesnt bother me, but jake is still young. my dad makes an effor to come over and watch televised sports events with the boys or a movie with me. which means a lot. if he gets a job in merced and can afford to get his own place i would like at least jake to move in with him. he's too young to be off on his own all the time and while i'll always look out for him, i'm just not going to take responsibility for him.
goals:
limit televsion to 2 hours, or set schedule of programs or movies i do want to watch
read for AT LEAST 1 hour a day. a lot more if time permits
visit the library at least once this week
clean room/organize papers file stuff
education:
i'm not in school this semester. i couldnt afford it. i dont know how i will afford it next week, i might just take out a personal loan, borrow the money from my grandma, or get a second job. but i need to get in or else i lose my catalog rights. i only have my internship, and i want to retake that psych class i took last semester. i need to speak to someone at school about graduation. in fact i need to do that this week because i applied for graduation this semester. i'm all screwed up in that area. i didnt anticipate failing that psych class. i hope i didnt cause to much trouble. i just need to get on track. i need to figure out what i'm going to do after school. i dont know if i want to continue my masters in criminal justice. i may start new. i want to start a community college maybe work on my degree in perhaps biotechnology or genetics. i'm considering staying on track with my earlier forensics aspirations. i know if i had tried to start my sciences when i started my cj i wouldnt have done well. i wasnt in the right environment, the right state of mind. im considering american river college for the biotechnology AA degree in sacramento. there is something pulling me back to sacramento. i look back at my time at sac state and realize i had a good thing going there. i was doing well in school, i was down, but i didnt give myself a chance to grow and develop relationships over there. oh well. i can only go forward from here.
goals:
find out who to speak to at school about situation get everything clear and rectified and ready for spring admittance.
apply for internship program at school
work:
well i'm in the process of training for creative alternatives as a childcare group home worker. i'm excited and apprehensive at the same time. i have never worked with children. i'm looking forward to the experience, but i dont know how well i'm going to do. my parents arent happy with choice, but i really didnt have much of a choice if i wanted to start work right away. some of these kids are pretty messed up and really need someone to be there for them. which i know i can be. its been hard to develop that line of friend and "parent" i hope i can connect with these kids, i want them to respect me and in turn i know i'll show them the respect they deserve and just be there for them. of course its hard for me to connect and talk to people and get them to do what i want them to do. i need to overcome that. i want to get a part time job, i need to save up money for school, get cards payed off, establish a safety net of savings for unexpected emergencies, etc. a part time job in addition to my current job would do wonders. i did get sent a background info packet for the modesto police dept. getting that job would be momentus. it pays so well, REIMBURSES FOR SCHOOL, provides health vision dental benefits. i think if i pass the background check thats it, i got the job. but i'm still filling it out. i need more references. its easy but tedious. i have 5 days to turn it in and get fingerprinted. then i can do that fulltime and work at creative alternatives part time, until school starts. if possible
goals:
finish background check packet
finances:
oohhh trouble. as of this past friday i am officially out of money. after paying this months bills and really no extras i blew through any extra money i had. i need help until my first paycheck. but i did get everything organized, as far as bills. i have a schedule that i follow, a note book that i keep all upcoming bills logged and in order so i can know what i have done and what i need to send off. being organzied in that area is important because this way i have a record of where my money is going and have a visual record of balances and stuff. so thats that. once i start working, i can get on the track to paying off credit cards and saving for school.
everything else. is good. i hope i can stick to what i just outlined. next weekend i am going to start going to church with my grandma. and maybe the bible study at my aunts on friday night. i now how a lot of my friends feel about religion, its the same way i used to feel, but since i have been talking to my grandma i've realized that there is something missing. the church she goes to isnt even a church. its more like bible study with songs and reading scriptures and instead of recieving communion the people who run it pray for people who ask for specific prayers. i really liked it the last time i went. its neat how the speakers go back and forth between spanish and english you dont even notice it, but even more they really explained passages and applied them to life in ways where its easy to understand. i felt comfortable there. yeah. thats that.
i have been watching a lot of films. a lot of audrey hepburn. and of course horror films. i love todd solondz right now. i watch storytelling and welcome to dollhouse constantly. i havent seen palindromes yet. but i waaaant to. and another film i love right now is i pugni in tasca. its an italian film, pretty interesting. the characters were something else. kind of creepy, but interesting. hm what else. everything is illuminated i thought was actually pretty good. i wish i had read the book first, but i didnt. and music, a lot of patti smith, pj harvey and belanova for fun. ive just really been wanting to listen to really good female musicians lately. besides that gogol bordello, after watching everything is illuminated i realized the actor in it is eugene hutz, frontman of gogol bordello and they offered something different in music that i hadnt gotten tired of yet.
so i think that covers everything. yeah this is a reeaaally long post. but it had to be done. p.s. i've been wanting to go on the monterey ghost tour walk, before it gets too cold. its like 20 bucks, if any of you want to go?? maybe something could be worked out. and maybe a photo excursion in san francisco?? bethany, nin?? im looking in your direction, but if anyone else wants to go TELL ME. lets go. ive had this itch inside to get out and start photographing shit again. i just reeeaally need to get out and do something somewhat creative. good night everybody.
health
i have been ridiculously stationary. i went to the gym once a week up until last week, and had to put my membership on hold until i could pay the monthly dues. i eat bad. part of that is because my mom buys a lot of junkfood, frozen food, quick stuff with a lot of carbohydrates, fat, sodium, and i just dont have the money to buy stuff. sometimes i make requests but that gets hard i never know when she goes shopping and then shell randomly show up with a few bags of groceries only to disappear again until the next time. maybe i should email her. but of course its mostly my fault. i just havent been caring. i've gained a lot of weight, my clothes arent fitting very well. i just feel unhealthy on the inside and even my skin on the outside feels gross.
health goals:
jog or walk at least 2-3 times this week
pilates 2-3 times this week
drink one glass of water every 1-2 hours, more if possible and limit juices
control meal portions, limit unhealthy snacks and meals, make an effor to plan meals
home life
i've been pretty good about keeping up with the cleaning, dishes and house stuff. my room is a little disorganized, a lot of papers and books. when i'm in my room i am usually on the computer or watching television. i have been getting along pretty well with brothers, which is really suprising. usually we're at eachothers throats. but we've been working well together, even joe helps with the housework. jake doesnt, but he doesnt through a fit if i do ask him to help out with something. my mom is gone more and more. she doesnt say where she goes or what she does, she just doesnt come home. some times she will during lunch to drop off groceries or get something, but we dont usually see her. it doesnt bother me, but jake is still young. my dad makes an effor to come over and watch televised sports events with the boys or a movie with me. which means a lot. if he gets a job in merced and can afford to get his own place i would like at least jake to move in with him. he's too young to be off on his own all the time and while i'll always look out for him, i'm just not going to take responsibility for him.
goals:
limit televsion to 2 hours, or set schedule of programs or movies i do want to watch
read for AT LEAST 1 hour a day. a lot more if time permits
visit the library at least once this week
clean room/organize papers file stuff
education:
i'm not in school this semester. i couldnt afford it. i dont know how i will afford it next week, i might just take out a personal loan, borrow the money from my grandma, or get a second job. but i need to get in or else i lose my catalog rights. i only have my internship, and i want to retake that psych class i took last semester. i need to speak to someone at school about graduation. in fact i need to do that this week because i applied for graduation this semester. i'm all screwed up in that area. i didnt anticipate failing that psych class. i hope i didnt cause to much trouble. i just need to get on track. i need to figure out what i'm going to do after school. i dont know if i want to continue my masters in criminal justice. i may start new. i want to start a community college maybe work on my degree in perhaps biotechnology or genetics. i'm considering staying on track with my earlier forensics aspirations. i know if i had tried to start my sciences when i started my cj i wouldnt have done well. i wasnt in the right environment, the right state of mind. im considering american river college for the biotechnology AA degree in sacramento. there is something pulling me back to sacramento. i look back at my time at sac state and realize i had a good thing going there. i was doing well in school, i was down, but i didnt give myself a chance to grow and develop relationships over there. oh well. i can only go forward from here.
goals:
find out who to speak to at school about situation get everything clear and rectified and ready for spring admittance.
apply for internship program at school
work:
well i'm in the process of training for creative alternatives as a childcare group home worker. i'm excited and apprehensive at the same time. i have never worked with children. i'm looking forward to the experience, but i dont know how well i'm going to do. my parents arent happy with choice, but i really didnt have much of a choice if i wanted to start work right away. some of these kids are pretty messed up and really need someone to be there for them. which i know i can be. its been hard to develop that line of friend and "parent" i hope i can connect with these kids, i want them to respect me and in turn i know i'll show them the respect they deserve and just be there for them. of course its hard for me to connect and talk to people and get them to do what i want them to do. i need to overcome that. i want to get a part time job, i need to save up money for school, get cards payed off, establish a safety net of savings for unexpected emergencies, etc. a part time job in addition to my current job would do wonders. i did get sent a background info packet for the modesto police dept. getting that job would be momentus. it pays so well, REIMBURSES FOR SCHOOL, provides health vision dental benefits. i think if i pass the background check thats it, i got the job. but i'm still filling it out. i need more references. its easy but tedious. i have 5 days to turn it in and get fingerprinted. then i can do that fulltime and work at creative alternatives part time, until school starts. if possible
goals:
finish background check packet
finances:
oohhh trouble. as of this past friday i am officially out of money. after paying this months bills and really no extras i blew through any extra money i had. i need help until my first paycheck. but i did get everything organized, as far as bills. i have a schedule that i follow, a note book that i keep all upcoming bills logged and in order so i can know what i have done and what i need to send off. being organzied in that area is important because this way i have a record of where my money is going and have a visual record of balances and stuff. so thats that. once i start working, i can get on the track to paying off credit cards and saving for school.
everything else. is good. i hope i can stick to what i just outlined. next weekend i am going to start going to church with my grandma. and maybe the bible study at my aunts on friday night. i now how a lot of my friends feel about religion, its the same way i used to feel, but since i have been talking to my grandma i've realized that there is something missing. the church she goes to isnt even a church. its more like bible study with songs and reading scriptures and instead of recieving communion the people who run it pray for people who ask for specific prayers. i really liked it the last time i went. its neat how the speakers go back and forth between spanish and english you dont even notice it, but even more they really explained passages and applied them to life in ways where its easy to understand. i felt comfortable there. yeah. thats that.
i have been watching a lot of films. a lot of audrey hepburn. and of course horror films. i love todd solondz right now. i watch storytelling and welcome to dollhouse constantly. i havent seen palindromes yet. but i waaaant to. and another film i love right now is i pugni in tasca. its an italian film, pretty interesting. the characters were something else. kind of creepy, but interesting. hm what else. everything is illuminated i thought was actually pretty good. i wish i had read the book first, but i didnt. and music, a lot of patti smith, pj harvey and belanova for fun. ive just really been wanting to listen to really good female musicians lately. besides that gogol bordello, after watching everything is illuminated i realized the actor in it is eugene hutz, frontman of gogol bordello and they offered something different in music that i hadnt gotten tired of yet.
so i think that covers everything. yeah this is a reeaaally long post. but it had to be done. p.s. i've been wanting to go on the monterey ghost tour walk, before it gets too cold. its like 20 bucks, if any of you want to go?? maybe something could be worked out. and maybe a photo excursion in san francisco?? bethany, nin?? im looking in your direction, but if anyone else wants to go TELL ME. lets go. ive had this itch inside to get out and start photographing shit again. i just reeeaally need to get out and do something somewhat creative. good night everybody.