no matter how much of a fool you are
the thing is, after 25 years i'm sustainable now. i worked my heart off, and my ass off, and my heart off some more to be independent and comfortable when i shut my eyes. and fuck disney, because the next pillow over isn't a vacancy, its something i hold in my arms and feel comfortable with and if your head was there, i wouldn't have that to hold onto. so fuck you. and fuck disney too. ive got a cat that loves too hard, too much, and too often. and i find myself shooing him away from me because i cant handle that amount of attention. i dont care if you're cute, small, furry and cuddly, i'll pick you up to say hello and when the sun comes up ill kiss you good mornings but dont get in my face. dont be that thing that has to be under my feet and touch me all the time when im trying to write.
i've got a job now. one of those things that keeps the old timers from falling over in their grave. and its taking care of people. like i do myself. and every meal and bed i make every time i wager how each decision i make impacts the quality of a life there's not a second that goes by that i don't feel grateful for the pain my mother went through.
and on good days i see comparisons everywhere that help me see the love and light and good in things. and yeah... im proud of you. because you could have dropped your life there and packed it all up and drove your way up to pittsburgh to live some half life with me because you weren't ready. but you didn't. you said no. you said, im gonna live this life here because its what i have to do right now. its as uncertain as the one im passing up, but at least i know its mine. at least i know there are things i dont know, that im gonna learn. on my own. in this city ive been forced to love, and that i do. and you know what... i am, really fucking proud of you.
i dont know how to say it except for here. its too direct if i send an email thats meant only for your eyes, and its too indirect to not say anything at all. so here, i can say it. neutral ground. its okay to say here, that im grateful for your decisions, m. you gave me the space to become who i was becoming. and without knowing so for certain, i trust that you are doing the same. and that you must love me enough to hate seeing me hurt, which is why you must've looked away in the first place. i never knew you to be a coward. no... just full of love. so like i said, im proud of you. and best of luck. and hug your mother for me. and brother. and yeah, your father too. and grandma. since we are friends on facebook and all.
i tuck myself in, ready for tomorrow. a snug bed, sound and sturdy. schedule comforts me. the all forgiving. the humanist. the faith loving optimism still strong inside my veins. because people do grow, and change, and come back years later to say hey man.... i think its silly that we haven't talked. you were my best friend.
and they hug me.
and yeah... i hug them back. like i haven't hugged anyone in my life.
like the world ended and miraculously i've found that im not alone.
to hug like that.
i've been forgiving lately.
and i forgive you too.
still, that person... who just wants to love everyone.
i just want to love them.
i've got a job now. one of those things that keeps the old timers from falling over in their grave. and its taking care of people. like i do myself. and every meal and bed i make every time i wager how each decision i make impacts the quality of a life there's not a second that goes by that i don't feel grateful for the pain my mother went through.
and on good days i see comparisons everywhere that help me see the love and light and good in things. and yeah... im proud of you. because you could have dropped your life there and packed it all up and drove your way up to pittsburgh to live some half life with me because you weren't ready. but you didn't. you said no. you said, im gonna live this life here because its what i have to do right now. its as uncertain as the one im passing up, but at least i know its mine. at least i know there are things i dont know, that im gonna learn. on my own. in this city ive been forced to love, and that i do. and you know what... i am, really fucking proud of you.
i dont know how to say it except for here. its too direct if i send an email thats meant only for your eyes, and its too indirect to not say anything at all. so here, i can say it. neutral ground. its okay to say here, that im grateful for your decisions, m. you gave me the space to become who i was becoming. and without knowing so for certain, i trust that you are doing the same. and that you must love me enough to hate seeing me hurt, which is why you must've looked away in the first place. i never knew you to be a coward. no... just full of love. so like i said, im proud of you. and best of luck. and hug your mother for me. and brother. and yeah, your father too. and grandma. since we are friends on facebook and all.
i tuck myself in, ready for tomorrow. a snug bed, sound and sturdy. schedule comforts me. the all forgiving. the humanist. the faith loving optimism still strong inside my veins. because people do grow, and change, and come back years later to say hey man.... i think its silly that we haven't talked. you were my best friend.
and they hug me.
and yeah... i hug them back. like i haven't hugged anyone in my life.
like the world ended and miraculously i've found that im not alone.
to hug like that.
i've been forgiving lately.
and i forgive you too.
still, that person... who just wants to love everyone.
i just want to love them.