lost
so its late. 3am. i would have told you earlier in the day that i was going to sonny's tonight. i would have said it and you would have believed it. but i came home at 730pm, washed the day off my face, took off my clothes and got into bed. i couldn't get myself to leave once i was there. and now i've woken up. at 3am. and the bar is closed because this city sleeps sometimes. and i have traveled through my dot.coms feeling so unsatisfied. and i am here now, because i cant go anywhere else.
i didn't think working on myself would bring me here. things ive tried conquer, my fears, my insecurities, my traumas... i have broken the locks on everything. its been years uphill, and in the beginning it felt like there was nowhere to go. i felt like i could never be anything but a mess and disappointment to myself. and then i kept on. and all the things that weren't stable in my life have stabilized over the years. and im more open and honest with myself than i have been since i was a child. but it doesnt feel good, this place im in. occupationally, im doing well. im working for good, for good money, with more opportunities. im in a union. i have insurance. i have a roof over my head. the prospects of going back to school. but im not happy. my family and i have gotten closer, somewhat. but im not happy. i ride around on a motorbike through this city, and im still not happy. i see friends, converse, interact, etc. then i go home and realize again, i am not happy. all these things ive sought after in life for stability and emotional awareness has brought me to a dark place.
i look at myself lying in bed all the time, not grocery shopping in almost three months, finding myself trying to convince myself that i should go out, but i dont, this feeling in my chest, in my heart, this fatigue. i haven't been putting on my androgel. i just dont seem to care. its incredible realizing how far away ive gone. i dont know if i was ever here to begin with, but i certainly am not now, even though so many things in my life have fallen into place. i am miserable.
i dont care at all.
i didn't think working on myself would bring me here. things ive tried conquer, my fears, my insecurities, my traumas... i have broken the locks on everything. its been years uphill, and in the beginning it felt like there was nowhere to go. i felt like i could never be anything but a mess and disappointment to myself. and then i kept on. and all the things that weren't stable in my life have stabilized over the years. and im more open and honest with myself than i have been since i was a child. but it doesnt feel good, this place im in. occupationally, im doing well. im working for good, for good money, with more opportunities. im in a union. i have insurance. i have a roof over my head. the prospects of going back to school. but im not happy. my family and i have gotten closer, somewhat. but im not happy. i ride around on a motorbike through this city, and im still not happy. i see friends, converse, interact, etc. then i go home and realize again, i am not happy. all these things ive sought after in life for stability and emotional awareness has brought me to a dark place.
i look at myself lying in bed all the time, not grocery shopping in almost three months, finding myself trying to convince myself that i should go out, but i dont, this feeling in my chest, in my heart, this fatigue. i haven't been putting on my androgel. i just dont seem to care. its incredible realizing how far away ive gone. i dont know if i was ever here to begin with, but i certainly am not now, even though so many things in my life have fallen into place. i am miserable.
i dont care at all.