venting
the dilemma.
i am opened up, and vulnerable. i am exposed. i am reaching.
and days go by, and it's like i'm the only one.
this thing is hard, that we are trying to do. this far away. i looked it up online. all the articles and surveys said the same sort of thing. communication is crucial. and i shrivel up like some water-loving flower in the desert. and there is a dilemma.
i focus on understanding where you are, what you are going through, how you are feeling, what you may need, and it helps me to keep my heart open. there are reasons why you dont talk to me. reasons i can stretch to understand. and my heart stays open. but if i let it hurt it makes me feel like closing up. and i cant stand that dilemma. i could close, and feel no pain.. but id be closed. or i stay open, and i deal with week + long spans of time where you dont help me to feel as though you care, and ache all the while.
see, the kicker is.... this makes you feel guilty. and you're sick of feeling guilty. and i dont blame you. no one should have to feel guilty. especially you... not with all that's gone on.
i guess the real question is am i jumping to conclusions? are you ready for this, or aren't you? am i a fucking fool here? should i just shut off and get on with my incompleteness? i can't make you want me. i can't change your mind. i can't speed up your process. i can't even fucking get to you to look into your eyes. i feel pretty helpless. and these days, i don't even know what to do with that...
all im saying is, i wish...
and all im saying is, i understand.
and this is my space to be selfish and say what i need to.
so don't take offense, or run away, or feel discouraged.
im just trying to cope with the possibility of never having someday.
everyday i fear that.
i am opened up, and vulnerable. i am exposed. i am reaching.
and days go by, and it's like i'm the only one.
this thing is hard, that we are trying to do. this far away. i looked it up online. all the articles and surveys said the same sort of thing. communication is crucial. and i shrivel up like some water-loving flower in the desert. and there is a dilemma.
i focus on understanding where you are, what you are going through, how you are feeling, what you may need, and it helps me to keep my heart open. there are reasons why you dont talk to me. reasons i can stretch to understand. and my heart stays open. but if i let it hurt it makes me feel like closing up. and i cant stand that dilemma. i could close, and feel no pain.. but id be closed. or i stay open, and i deal with week + long spans of time where you dont help me to feel as though you care, and ache all the while.
see, the kicker is.... this makes you feel guilty. and you're sick of feeling guilty. and i dont blame you. no one should have to feel guilty. especially you... not with all that's gone on.
i guess the real question is am i jumping to conclusions? are you ready for this, or aren't you? am i a fucking fool here? should i just shut off and get on with my incompleteness? i can't make you want me. i can't change your mind. i can't speed up your process. i can't even fucking get to you to look into your eyes. i feel pretty helpless. and these days, i don't even know what to do with that...
all im saying is, i wish...
and all im saying is, i understand.
and this is my space to be selfish and say what i need to.
so don't take offense, or run away, or feel discouraged.
im just trying to cope with the possibility of never having someday.
everyday i fear that.