(no subject)
today she said it wasn't working. in the car. we were talking about last night. and i froze. and i fear i am still frozen by words. all these words that effect people. i say them. you say them. everybody says them. and it hurts like winter hurts. it hurts like every failure made into one. i dropped her off and drove away, wondering what i might think if i saw my expression driving down the road. i wanted her to be standing there, apologetic, nurturing, selfless and unconditional. but these are just fantasy words. i went home with a new bottle of wild turkey, and here i am.
i contemplate what i feel. and it seems backwards. because i feel like im feeling what i contemplate, and that doesn't seem honest to me. doesn't seem real, enough. i can remember this method. i used it many times to unveil myself. whiskey and a keyboard... when times were rough and i put my head to shame. i walked the sidewalks with numbness... my head spinning but my heart a distant organ pumping life force through my body. and for what? to mull it over awhile, to fix the perspective of my own emotions to better suit my needs. it seems silly to me. yet ive done this. ive done it and continue to reach for solace in this great and toxic neutralizer. this ego killer. this truth telling killer of all learned behaviors. sometimes i feel like i am sinking. and you wouldn't know it because you have your whole life ahead of you. i forget that my self pity runs so deep it has masks made of nothing at all. you cant see them. cross legged, boots by my side, bourbon in my belly and trigger hand i wear flannel to be more manly and check my sideburns everyday for growth. what is, i ask, this body for? my parts dont fit with yours.
and this is heartbreaking. and all i want is a family someday.
the words dont come to me. and i reach, lift, and sip. killing the lies. trying to see someone breathing inside of me. trying to breathe life. why does love or the groping around in the darkness clumsily for it mean vulnerability? we are too complicated. human beings... people of god. why do i even say it...
what i really mean to say is i am broken. and i have been trying to fix myself. and sometimes i feel like all of it really isn't working. and that makes me want to give up. and maybe that means i am weak. and maybe i have to accept that. i can say i am delicate, but what i really should be saying, what i really think i mean to say is, i cant figure out why im here, and somehow, all of my searching has made me realize that all i need is to undress my skin for someone, be so open that i explode. be so opened up that i die.
why can we not see without dying...
that is to say, perhaps in this moment alone, or perhaps forevermore, you will never see me until you and i are dead. but this is disappointing. this is a reason to die, and a reason to resent life. and somehow i feel ive gotten things very backwards.
i cant even cry.
i contemplate what i feel. and it seems backwards. because i feel like im feeling what i contemplate, and that doesn't seem honest to me. doesn't seem real, enough. i can remember this method. i used it many times to unveil myself. whiskey and a keyboard... when times were rough and i put my head to shame. i walked the sidewalks with numbness... my head spinning but my heart a distant organ pumping life force through my body. and for what? to mull it over awhile, to fix the perspective of my own emotions to better suit my needs. it seems silly to me. yet ive done this. ive done it and continue to reach for solace in this great and toxic neutralizer. this ego killer. this truth telling killer of all learned behaviors. sometimes i feel like i am sinking. and you wouldn't know it because you have your whole life ahead of you. i forget that my self pity runs so deep it has masks made of nothing at all. you cant see them. cross legged, boots by my side, bourbon in my belly and trigger hand i wear flannel to be more manly and check my sideburns everyday for growth. what is, i ask, this body for? my parts dont fit with yours.
and this is heartbreaking. and all i want is a family someday.
the words dont come to me. and i reach, lift, and sip. killing the lies. trying to see someone breathing inside of me. trying to breathe life. why does love or the groping around in the darkness clumsily for it mean vulnerability? we are too complicated. human beings... people of god. why do i even say it...
what i really mean to say is i am broken. and i have been trying to fix myself. and sometimes i feel like all of it really isn't working. and that makes me want to give up. and maybe that means i am weak. and maybe i have to accept that. i can say i am delicate, but what i really should be saying, what i really think i mean to say is, i cant figure out why im here, and somehow, all of my searching has made me realize that all i need is to undress my skin for someone, be so open that i explode. be so opened up that i die.
why can we not see without dying...
that is to say, perhaps in this moment alone, or perhaps forevermore, you will never see me until you and i are dead. but this is disappointing. this is a reason to die, and a reason to resent life. and somehow i feel ive gotten things very backwards.
i cant even cry.