dumped
well, once again im alone. im not very surprised for some reason. surprisingly im doing good though. i used it more as fuel to better myself from my experiences. i fucked up and made a big mistake and i am paying for it. i deserve what i get. maybe its all for the better. if there was no trust it wasnt gonna work anyways. anyways...
yesterday marked the start of alot of stuff for me. i wiped my slate clean. i guess one could say it was my own personal new years :) i made alot of resolutions and we'll see if i can stick with them this time. if not just for myself then also to rub it in her face and all the others who doubt me. to show myself and everyone else i have "control" over my own actions.
the significance of yesterday:
1. i made my mind up that i wasnt gonna play any relationship ,or lack-lack-there-of, games. its either take me or leave me. no limbo in between.
2. i worked out for the first time in a LONG time...and i mean REALLY worked out. it felt really good too, i forgot what a natural high is like. it also helped to get out my frustrations. today im gonna run for a while after work.
3. i looked for some jobs online. i have found a few nanny jobs, which would be ideal, and some other random ones im gonna apply for. im just always scared i look too radical. well i toned it down some......
4. i cut off my dreads! yep thats right, you read correctly. they are officially gone. the mohawk is comin back baby! im excited but i also miss my dreads already. i knew once i did it i would regret it. well i dont actually REGRET it per-say but i do miss it.
5. i decided, im buying shellies 90 mazda miata. i couldnt find anything else better at the price she offered me on craigslist so im gonna just take the leap and buy it hoping i will get alot more out of it. i dont have very good car luck so we will see.
6. i also decided im avoiding sisters for a while. it's a waste of my time and money and does nothing but cause me problems. i can find other productive things to fill my time with. for instance this thursday i plan on working out like no other to totally wear myself out so even if i wanted to go i wouldnt have the energy. then me and katie are staying home and relaxing with a movie. were boycotting sisters together. its good to know someone is behind me with the sisters thing and is willing to steer clear of there with me. it upsets me that to some people it seems to be so damn important and they just couldnt bear to miss it for the sake of a bigger issue. oh well.
7.i have my Doctors appointment today at 4 with the mazzoni centers trans primary heatlh care physician. im really nervous but exctied about it at the same time. i wish someone could come with me and hold my hand. i know that sounds like a total pansy remark but im terrified of needles and i have to get blood work done. by the end of today i will have a good idea of my game plan as far as hormone therapy and my name change goes. this could very well be it. i may be starting hormones sooner than i originally thought.
all of these things put together should help me stay on track and keep me busy so i dont have to think about all the other crap that is my life. most of all i feel that cutting my hair off was very symbolic of me starting over fresh and clean. it will help me a with getting another job and mostly, it will make me feel like a cleaner, healthier person which will influence my determination. it also lets me work out more on a regular basis. for instance if i had dreads and wanted to workout 5 days a week i would be absolutely gross considering i would only be able to wash my sweaty hair once in those 5 days. now i can shower 4 times a day if i please :) i just gotta let the top grow out a little and then i can start to re-do my multicolored/layered mohawk. right now its pretty damn short. i like it tho, im just not totally used to seeing my hair with out dreads falling in my eyes. oh well if i ever REALLY wanna do it again in the future (which i probably wouldnt be able to b/c of the need to get a REAL job) i can always re-dread them. in reality they were almost exactly a year old last night when i cut them. maybe a week shy. the past year has been a good year with them though. we had alot of good and bad times together. through the awkward early stages of their life to the nice, tight, end stages. we hung in there together, and now its time to start over. to prove to myself and everyone else that i can do what i put my mind to. doubt me and it will only make me stronger.
yesterday marked the start of alot of stuff for me. i wiped my slate clean. i guess one could say it was my own personal new years :) i made alot of resolutions and we'll see if i can stick with them this time. if not just for myself then also to rub it in her face and all the others who doubt me. to show myself and everyone else i have "control" over my own actions.
the significance of yesterday:
1. i made my mind up that i wasnt gonna play any relationship ,or lack-lack-there-of, games. its either take me or leave me. no limbo in between.
2. i worked out for the first time in a LONG time...and i mean REALLY worked out. it felt really good too, i forgot what a natural high is like. it also helped to get out my frustrations. today im gonna run for a while after work.
3. i looked for some jobs online. i have found a few nanny jobs, which would be ideal, and some other random ones im gonna apply for. im just always scared i look too radical. well i toned it down some......
4. i cut off my dreads! yep thats right, you read correctly. they are officially gone. the mohawk is comin back baby! im excited but i also miss my dreads already. i knew once i did it i would regret it. well i dont actually REGRET it per-say but i do miss it.
5. i decided, im buying shellies 90 mazda miata. i couldnt find anything else better at the price she offered me on craigslist so im gonna just take the leap and buy it hoping i will get alot more out of it. i dont have very good car luck so we will see.
6. i also decided im avoiding sisters for a while. it's a waste of my time and money and does nothing but cause me problems. i can find other productive things to fill my time with. for instance this thursday i plan on working out like no other to totally wear myself out so even if i wanted to go i wouldnt have the energy. then me and katie are staying home and relaxing with a movie. were boycotting sisters together. its good to know someone is behind me with the sisters thing and is willing to steer clear of there with me. it upsets me that to some people it seems to be so damn important and they just couldnt bear to miss it for the sake of a bigger issue. oh well.
7.i have my Doctors appointment today at 4 with the mazzoni centers trans primary heatlh care physician. im really nervous but exctied about it at the same time. i wish someone could come with me and hold my hand. i know that sounds like a total pansy remark but im terrified of needles and i have to get blood work done. by the end of today i will have a good idea of my game plan as far as hormone therapy and my name change goes. this could very well be it. i may be starting hormones sooner than i originally thought.
all of these things put together should help me stay on track and keep me busy so i dont have to think about all the other crap that is my life. most of all i feel that cutting my hair off was very symbolic of me starting over fresh and clean. it will help me a with getting another job and mostly, it will make me feel like a cleaner, healthier person which will influence my determination. it also lets me work out more on a regular basis. for instance if i had dreads and wanted to workout 5 days a week i would be absolutely gross considering i would only be able to wash my sweaty hair once in those 5 days. now i can shower 4 times a day if i please :) i just gotta let the top grow out a little and then i can start to re-do my multicolored/layered mohawk. right now its pretty damn short. i like it tho, im just not totally used to seeing my hair with out dreads falling in my eyes. oh well if i ever REALLY wanna do it again in the future (which i probably wouldnt be able to b/c of the need to get a REAL job) i can always re-dread them. in reality they were almost exactly a year old last night when i cut them. maybe a week shy. the past year has been a good year with them though. we had alot of good and bad times together. through the awkward early stages of their life to the nice, tight, end stages. we hung in there together, and now its time to start over. to prove to myself and everyone else that i can do what i put my mind to. doubt me and it will only make me stronger.