(no subject)
There's nothing more annoying than understanding but not being able to understand at the same time. It's like knowing how to talk, but you can't because you stutter. Does anybody else have this issue on a daily basis, or is it just me?
I've been brought up to never be satisfied with anything I do, and I hate it.
I'm the only one on my mom's side of the family that hasn't won some sort of sports-related award. (I don't know anything about my father's side, since I haven't met them at all.)
They don't take me seriously, and if the subject is brought up they just smile and laugh.
But if I try to avoide them, the harassment gets worse or they get upset. Not close to any of them, in fact, despite what I keep trying to tell myself (an others, on occasion), I practically feel no attachment to them anymore. They're just people who have the same last name as me. Even my Dad has been getting on my nerves. Then again, it's really hard to feel attached to someone who was cut out for the majority of your life because he and your mother couldn't be in the same room for more than a couple of seconds.
Come to think of it, I spent most of my childhood in day-cares, YWCA programs and babysitters. Right up through High school when I got too old for that stuff.
I got to group up wondering why I was the only one who didn't get picked up by mom and dad at the bus stop, why on the T.V, they always showed family's eating dinner together and I always ate by myself because Mom was at the Gym and I had no idea where my Dad was most of the time because he didn't have a phone.
I recal CRYING in girl scouts one day, because the project for one of our badges was to "draw a family portrait", and I remember saying..."But I don't have a family!"
Because I was the only one whose parents weren't together. I was the only one with no siblings. I was the only one who barely saw either of her parents, especially not together.
Not going to lie, adoption would have been so much better than being alone all the god damn time.
Bitter? A little bit I guess.
Maybe that's why I have such a problem with jealousy, strike that, envy.
FMA jokes aside, my jealousy has exploded into the green-eyed monster. I used to be able to be apathetic all the time, but now I feel so angry whenever it kicks it.
I see kids spending time with their parents, and I get so envious that it seriously pisses me off. I smile and enjoy it, but it pisses me off.
I've been on so many different "lol happy pillz! lol" and none of them have worked. Yes, I do randomly feel tired and depressed for absolutly no reason but I can promise you about 80% of the time I feel like ass because I saw/heard/thought something that triggered the bad mood.
Short of hitting me over the head enough times so that I get amnesia, I don't even know what I'm supposed to do about that.
I get told to deal, dealing with it hurts.
"Do what makes you happy, do something for yourself!"
However, when I do that I'm told
"You're being selfish."
What am I supposed to do? Bury myself in materialistic items and food with money I don't have?
(Me + money + bad mood = shopping spree, bad habit to get into, trying to aviode it.)
Yes, I understand, do things for myself, make myself happy. etc.
No, I don't understand how to actually do it.
Yes, I kinda figured the responses to this journal will most likely be...
"Your friends love you! Don't forget that! if you ever need to talk, I'm here." " We should hang out sometime! Just me and you!" or "I don't know what you want me to do."
But right now I don't really care. This has been on my mind for the past couple of months as well as a million other things, but this is already getting obnoxiously long.
I don't know. This journal will probably sound stupid later.
Who knows, maybe I'm supposed to find the answers all by myself since I'm already so used to having to figure out things on my own.
I've been brought up to never be satisfied with anything I do, and I hate it.
I'm the only one on my mom's side of the family that hasn't won some sort of sports-related award. (I don't know anything about my father's side, since I haven't met them at all.)
They don't take me seriously, and if the subject is brought up they just smile and laugh.
But if I try to avoide them, the harassment gets worse or they get upset. Not close to any of them, in fact, despite what I keep trying to tell myself (an others, on occasion), I practically feel no attachment to them anymore. They're just people who have the same last name as me. Even my Dad has been getting on my nerves. Then again, it's really hard to feel attached to someone who was cut out for the majority of your life because he and your mother couldn't be in the same room for more than a couple of seconds.
Come to think of it, I spent most of my childhood in day-cares, YWCA programs and babysitters. Right up through High school when I got too old for that stuff.
I got to group up wondering why I was the only one who didn't get picked up by mom and dad at the bus stop, why on the T.V, they always showed family's eating dinner together and I always ate by myself because Mom was at the Gym and I had no idea where my Dad was most of the time because he didn't have a phone.
I recal CRYING in girl scouts one day, because the project for one of our badges was to "draw a family portrait", and I remember saying..."But I don't have a family!"
Because I was the only one whose parents weren't together. I was the only one with no siblings. I was the only one who barely saw either of her parents, especially not together.
Not going to lie, adoption would have been so much better than being alone all the god damn time.
Bitter? A little bit I guess.
Maybe that's why I have such a problem with jealousy, strike that, envy.
FMA jokes aside, my jealousy has exploded into the green-eyed monster. I used to be able to be apathetic all the time, but now I feel so angry whenever it kicks it.
I see kids spending time with their parents, and I get so envious that it seriously pisses me off. I smile and enjoy it, but it pisses me off.
I've been on so many different "lol happy pillz! lol" and none of them have worked. Yes, I do randomly feel tired and depressed for absolutly no reason but I can promise you about 80% of the time I feel like ass because I saw/heard/thought something that triggered the bad mood.
Short of hitting me over the head enough times so that I get amnesia, I don't even know what I'm supposed to do about that.
I get told to deal, dealing with it hurts.
"Do what makes you happy, do something for yourself!"
However, when I do that I'm told
"You're being selfish."
What am I supposed to do? Bury myself in materialistic items and food with money I don't have?
(Me + money + bad mood = shopping spree, bad habit to get into, trying to aviode it.)
Yes, I understand, do things for myself, make myself happy. etc.
No, I don't understand how to actually do it.
Yes, I kinda figured the responses to this journal will most likely be...
"Your friends love you! Don't forget that! if you ever need to talk, I'm here." " We should hang out sometime! Just me and you!" or "I don't know what you want me to do."
But right now I don't really care. This has been on my mind for the past couple of months as well as a million other things, but this is already getting obnoxiously long.
I don't know. This journal will probably sound stupid later.
Who knows, maybe I'm supposed to find the answers all by myself since I'm already so used to having to figure out things on my own.