Dreaming of backward memories...
I've cleaned our apartment and resisted the urge to take a picture of it for posterity. I'm looking out at our room that doesn't look that much different from usual. lol.
According to my stuff-to-do-list, I only have three things left.
1)Upload pictures (2-3 hours=finding them, uploding, sending)
2)Pack suitcase (2 hours=finding clothes, finding extras, stuffing it in)
3)Organize my desk/white box (this could be awhile -_-, but it's long overdue and the last of what I consider messy in my part of the room)
"So why the f*ck then aren't you getting to it stupid" you ask? well I felt like an LJ break.
I guess the way I wanted to end this year was just to say that I think I started something in myself that I haven't done before. That is to say that I think overall one thing I learned is that I can't rely on others to change the fate around me anymore. I don't have someone who's constantly looking out for me and who always and unconditionally has my back anymore. I have to look out for myself and if there are things to find in this world then I have to find them for myself now. That's fine. It's different, but it's fine nevertheless. Kind of lonely way to live though. I'm 19 years old, and I find that lately a lot of the things I say and do are changing in such subtle ways that I hope no one notices them. However because it's happening to me I obviously will. I'm not sure what I'm becoming, but I hope it's better than what I am now.
I'm taking a lot of time...but slowly it's there. Slowly I'm thinking a lot more about things, I'm looking at things deeper and I'm actually finding myself honestly caring to know why certain aspects of my life are the way they are. I used to care, but on a shallow level...however now...damn, I honestly just want to know now. A lot of things are pretty f*cked up around me...and in me too...but even if I look at them and figure out what is so messed up...I wonder if I'll change enough to the point where I'll be able to do something.
I really don't want to take things at face value anymore. I don't want to leave things alone and as they are and simply pretend I don't see them. I want to see them and be able to speak eloquently on the matter. Even if it's none of my business, not saying anything is hurting me more. Some lies protect people from others I suppose, but then again after awhile...I think the people around you will realize they're just lies. That's horrible to me. I don't want to be lies anymore...so what will I cover myself with now? You're supposed to be secretive right? You're not supposed to tell all your baggage because a lot of people in this world don't care and certainly don't want to see it...right? So yeah...I wonder if I can try half-truths. They must be pretty uncomfortable to be wrapped around...but probably not as heavy as lies.
If I'm honest with everyone I would say that I'm trying to change because I want more things that I can't get as I am now. So because I want something and I can try, I simply will. I don't feel anymore shame for this thought than I do for my past.
I'm grabbing at philosophical straws...and I'm turning 20 in a few days. Neither of these things will be relevant when I'm 21.
All I'm pretty damn sure about right now is that my body, my mind and probably that essence called my soul are really fucking restless right now. I'm letting go of a lot of things and putting on some different ones, plus I have no fucking idea where I'm going, I just know where I don't want to be. For now that will be enough. In one month and 1 week I will know where I'm going again. That's all people like me need to know to keep going. Not much else matters to me so long as I have a direction to go towards.
For now I'll just go to Texas. Being 20 there would probably make more sense than being 20 in LA, Berkeley or Madrid. ^_^
Yup, that long stream of stupid thoughts was all I had to say.
Now that this bullsh*t emo-type of mood is out of my system, bring on the Texan/Mexican challenges!
According to my stuff-to-do-list, I only have three things left.
1)Upload pictures (2-3 hours=finding them, uploding, sending)
2)Pack suitcase (2 hours=finding clothes, finding extras, stuffing it in)
3)Organize my desk/white box (this could be awhile -_-, but it's long overdue and the last of what I consider messy in my part of the room)
"So why the f*ck then aren't you getting to it stupid" you ask? well I felt like an LJ break.
I guess the way I wanted to end this year was just to say that I think I started something in myself that I haven't done before. That is to say that I think overall one thing I learned is that I can't rely on others to change the fate around me anymore. I don't have someone who's constantly looking out for me and who always and unconditionally has my back anymore. I have to look out for myself and if there are things to find in this world then I have to find them for myself now. That's fine. It's different, but it's fine nevertheless. Kind of lonely way to live though. I'm 19 years old, and I find that lately a lot of the things I say and do are changing in such subtle ways that I hope no one notices them. However because it's happening to me I obviously will. I'm not sure what I'm becoming, but I hope it's better than what I am now.
I'm taking a lot of time...but slowly it's there. Slowly I'm thinking a lot more about things, I'm looking at things deeper and I'm actually finding myself honestly caring to know why certain aspects of my life are the way they are. I used to care, but on a shallow level...however now...damn, I honestly just want to know now. A lot of things are pretty f*cked up around me...and in me too...but even if I look at them and figure out what is so messed up...I wonder if I'll change enough to the point where I'll be able to do something.
I really don't want to take things at face value anymore. I don't want to leave things alone and as they are and simply pretend I don't see them. I want to see them and be able to speak eloquently on the matter. Even if it's none of my business, not saying anything is hurting me more. Some lies protect people from others I suppose, but then again after awhile...I think the people around you will realize they're just lies. That's horrible to me. I don't want to be lies anymore...so what will I cover myself with now? You're supposed to be secretive right? You're not supposed to tell all your baggage because a lot of people in this world don't care and certainly don't want to see it...right? So yeah...I wonder if I can try half-truths. They must be pretty uncomfortable to be wrapped around...but probably not as heavy as lies.
If I'm honest with everyone I would say that I'm trying to change because I want more things that I can't get as I am now. So because I want something and I can try, I simply will. I don't feel anymore shame for this thought than I do for my past.
I'm grabbing at philosophical straws...and I'm turning 20 in a few days. Neither of these things will be relevant when I'm 21.
All I'm pretty damn sure about right now is that my body, my mind and probably that essence called my soul are really fucking restless right now. I'm letting go of a lot of things and putting on some different ones, plus I have no fucking idea where I'm going, I just know where I don't want to be. For now that will be enough. In one month and 1 week I will know where I'm going again. That's all people like me need to know to keep going. Not much else matters to me so long as I have a direction to go towards.
For now I'll just go to Texas. Being 20 there would probably make more sense than being 20 in LA, Berkeley or Madrid. ^_^
Yup, that long stream of stupid thoughts was all I had to say.
Now that this bullsh*t emo-type of mood is out of my system, bring on the Texan/Mexican challenges!