do you think maybe?
i want to wake up feeling different. i want to eat dinner at a table. i want someone else to sit across from me, and i want to tell a joke and make them laugh. i want to stop deluding myself. i want to cry on the phone and not worry about how it sounds. i want to rub someone's shoulders and make them relax. i want someone to get worried and to carry my books. i want the bugs to leave me the hell alone. i want to make someone coffee and wrap them in my favorite blanket, and for them to stop being cold. i want to share my music collection and point out all the AMAZING parts. i want to rale and rage and then be talked down. i want to point out the silver lining. i want to tell my every dream, and know that it will be kept secret. i want to know what you are thinking. i want to go to bed late and wake up early, and not to be afraid when i go outside. i want the outside to stay outside and my room to be inviolate. i want to know all of human history. i want to be allowed to scream and for someone to come and kill that spider. i want to have a kitchen sink. i want to be brave enough to answer my emails with honest, detailed, and amusing accounts. i want someone to run their hands through my hair. i want beer to be cheaper and the grocery store closer and for my shower to be free of red mildew. i want to rave about the brilliance of my classes to someone who knows what theosis is. i want my text messages to get responses. i want my hairgel not to be discontinued. i want to be 20 pounds lighter with eyes that are straight. i want a dimple in my other cheek. i want my back to be straight and not to have bowed legs. i want articulately and compassionately to express that children and babies have personalities, and that i love them even when they're not mine. i want to meet my obligations and clean my room and stop wallowing in self-pity. i want to be able to write a poem again. i want to be satisfied with this amazing life where i live out my dream and other people pay for it. i want to talk so badly i'm almost willing to call people, but yet can't imagine what i'd say. i want everybody that thinks that torture is okay to have their brains removed and donated to science. and i desperately want a chocolate bar.