questionably reasonable doubt in self belief...
My lovely friend George got me thinking..
His words are always so poetic and full of useful information about self growth and rebirth of personality, mind and person as whole...
His last entry, struck me closest to home because it's what I'm struggling with right now... Who am I, really? And if people see the real me, why have I kept on trying to project illusionary traits that never could exist in me?
Instead of straps, I've guarded my heart with tons of barbed wire, and encased it in a glass so fragile that the slightest notion shatters it; breaks open and pierces my heart more so each time. Yet I do not learn, I add more wire and rebuild that glass guard, and watch the shards of the last glass shield blow away.
With each person I meet, I grab into their personalities to dissect who they are.. Yet have neglected to do this for myself in well over half a year. I have become the stranger I lived with five years ago, first coming back from Florida. And it hurts, so I pretend it's not there in front of my face, haunting me. I've fallen back to old habits. And it's nothing too awe striking. I see a mess. And I'm regaining my posture and getting ready to pick myself up again.
I'm getting ready to shed those wire fences and that glass shield. The only purpose it serves is to keep me fooled anyway. Everyone else has seen past it, it's no longer a safety guard more so a pseudo safety guard. A placebo of sorts. No more illusionary traits, no more bullshit. George, along with my real friends, my loved friends... Among them, the one I want to apologize most to is Evan He has seen me headed into a pit fall, he's asked me many times "what has become of you?" and I shunned it, I didn't want to notice that the one person that has seen through it all and embedded himself closest to my heart for a few years now, saw me slipping. Becoming lesser of a person. Becoming something he knew I was much better than. I pushed myself away, and I regret every step taken. So instead of more steps back, I'm taking the steps in forward motion again. I'm letting him back to where he rightfully belongs. I love you with all of my heart Evan, and as always I'm sorry I didn't listen to you. You're my heart and soul, no more games. I don't want games. Just you, I want what we had. I want to be close to you again.
And Justin
I'm sorry for pushing you away as well. You're dear to my heart, I haven't lost you or even come close. But I have hurt you much more than you deserve to have ever been hurt. Thank you for staying with me. Asking me things until I become quite annoyed, if you hadn't, I wouldn't of questioned my actions in the long run. I love you to death as well.
His words are always so poetic and full of useful information about self growth and rebirth of personality, mind and person as whole...
His last entry, struck me closest to home because it's what I'm struggling with right now... Who am I, really? And if people see the real me, why have I kept on trying to project illusionary traits that never could exist in me?
Instead of straps, I've guarded my heart with tons of barbed wire, and encased it in a glass so fragile that the slightest notion shatters it; breaks open and pierces my heart more so each time. Yet I do not learn, I add more wire and rebuild that glass guard, and watch the shards of the last glass shield blow away.
With each person I meet, I grab into their personalities to dissect who they are.. Yet have neglected to do this for myself in well over half a year. I have become the stranger I lived with five years ago, first coming back from Florida. And it hurts, so I pretend it's not there in front of my face, haunting me. I've fallen back to old habits. And it's nothing too awe striking. I see a mess. And I'm regaining my posture and getting ready to pick myself up again.
I'm getting ready to shed those wire fences and that glass shield. The only purpose it serves is to keep me fooled anyway. Everyone else has seen past it, it's no longer a safety guard more so a pseudo safety guard. A placebo of sorts. No more illusionary traits, no more bullshit. George, along with my real friends, my loved friends... Among them, the one I want to apologize most to is Evan He has seen me headed into a pit fall, he's asked me many times "what has become of you?" and I shunned it, I didn't want to notice that the one person that has seen through it all and embedded himself closest to my heart for a few years now, saw me slipping. Becoming lesser of a person. Becoming something he knew I was much better than. I pushed myself away, and I regret every step taken. So instead of more steps back, I'm taking the steps in forward motion again. I'm letting him back to where he rightfully belongs. I love you with all of my heart Evan, and as always I'm sorry I didn't listen to you. You're my heart and soul, no more games. I don't want games. Just you, I want what we had. I want to be close to you again.
And Justin
I'm sorry for pushing you away as well. You're dear to my heart, I haven't lost you or even come close. But I have hurt you much more than you deserve to have ever been hurt. Thank you for staying with me. Asking me things until I become quite annoyed, if you hadn't, I wouldn't of questioned my actions in the long run. I love you to death as well.