and life goes on...
let's see... in the past 2 weeks or so i have
1. finally completed my bachelor's
2. become an aunt
3. gone crazy
4. had an identity crisis
5. been offered quite a few jobs
6. had to consider the possibility of moving next month for a job
ok, there's a lot more i could say, but you get the picture...
i'm not exactly sure how i feel about finishing school. i mean, i feel good about my experience. i managed to graduate with a 4.0 & plenty of job prospects, but i seem to have worse anxiety now than i did as a student. that includes finals week, too. i feel so detached from everything that used to be a part of me. i feel like i have become one of those people i hate. every single day i find myself in conversations about salaries, benefits, pensions, vacations, blah, blah, blah. except it's not so "blah blah" to me anymore. when did i start to have a future? when did i start to care about how much money i make? when did i start to care about having a retirement fund? why do these things matter to me now? i should be at the top of my game, yet i feel more confused than i ever have in my entire life. after all, i don't even know where i'll be living in a month. literally. i suppose i could still be here. it all depends on next week. i should pretty much have my mind made up by wednesday. it all comes down to nashville. i don't think i've ever felt so much pressure in my entire life. i hate that i'm whiny about it, but i'm usually so much more on top of my shit. it's so much tougher when you don't have a deadline to plan for or a syllabus to follow. i guess i forgot what that was like while i was in school. now i remember all those years of feeling lost; no goals, no confidence, no direction. i think that's why i love school so much. it's the only thing i've ever truly been good at. i wish i could find the motivation to dive right in. walk aimlessy on a path that i have no idea where it leads, but pay little mind to directionless motion. i suppose it all leads forward, right? i mean, it has to. christ. i think i've managed to confuse myself even more. i'm also tired of listening to myself bitch about not having papers or exams. k. i'm done.
1. finally completed my bachelor's
2. become an aunt
3. gone crazy
4. had an identity crisis
5. been offered quite a few jobs
6. had to consider the possibility of moving next month for a job
ok, there's a lot more i could say, but you get the picture...
i'm not exactly sure how i feel about finishing school. i mean, i feel good about my experience. i managed to graduate with a 4.0 & plenty of job prospects, but i seem to have worse anxiety now than i did as a student. that includes finals week, too. i feel so detached from everything that used to be a part of me. i feel like i have become one of those people i hate. every single day i find myself in conversations about salaries, benefits, pensions, vacations, blah, blah, blah. except it's not so "blah blah" to me anymore. when did i start to have a future? when did i start to care about how much money i make? when did i start to care about having a retirement fund? why do these things matter to me now? i should be at the top of my game, yet i feel more confused than i ever have in my entire life. after all, i don't even know where i'll be living in a month. literally. i suppose i could still be here. it all depends on next week. i should pretty much have my mind made up by wednesday. it all comes down to nashville. i don't think i've ever felt so much pressure in my entire life. i hate that i'm whiny about it, but i'm usually so much more on top of my shit. it's so much tougher when you don't have a deadline to plan for or a syllabus to follow. i guess i forgot what that was like while i was in school. now i remember all those years of feeling lost; no goals, no confidence, no direction. i think that's why i love school so much. it's the only thing i've ever truly been good at. i wish i could find the motivation to dive right in. walk aimlessy on a path that i have no idea where it leads, but pay little mind to directionless motion. i suppose it all leads forward, right? i mean, it has to. christ. i think i've managed to confuse myself even more. i'm also tired of listening to myself bitch about not having papers or exams. k. i'm done.