Rant to LJ Because no one wants to talk to me
I tried to avoid this moment because I am not necessarily in my right mind, but I need to rant and no one wants to talk to me.
I am extremely pissed off at the world right at the moment and it is for a couple of very strange reasons. I love being alone, I am an introvert and can spend countless hours alone with my thoughts and can be completely content. However, there are points in time when it is pure torture. I moved into a house just off a campus last Saturday, getting ready for summer and taking summer classes and all that jazz. I have a house mate, but I rarely see her because she is in the process of planning a wedding. I have seen a few people, but I have still spent countless hours in this house with nothing but my thoughts to comfort me. There is a point in time when that IS NOT a good thing anymore. LIKE TONIGHT! I went for a walk to day in Hort park and it was amazing! I took my sketch book and collected some wild flowers that are now drying in my closet. It was a beautiful day, and then I came home to silence and isolation, which would not bother me if I did not think there were other things I could be doing with my time. So I am mad at myself because I can not come up with better things to do with my time.
Second item of business. I do not know why, but I find myself torn between loving and hating people all at once. I put a large portion of myself into the relationships I have, and I get easily drained and aggrivated when things/ people do things that are hurtful even when they do not mean to do so. I get aggitated with myself as well as others. I am a very understanding person, and with that I feel like I get walked on a lot. Where is the line between being a push over and being understanding?!?!?! Sometimes I feel like I talk myself out of standing up for my own thoughts or feelings. At least when it comes to matters that are important to me. Yeah I can argue small things, and I can do it very well, but when it comes to things that involve my feelings, my emotions, and my well being, sometimes I fear that I allow others to control the situation. Is this good or bad??
I understand that this situation, as well as all this past week is of my own accord. If I really did not want to be alone, or needed a change, I am sure I would have found some way of doing so, there is me being understanding again. I just feel exhausted tonight, and its not because I have done anything requiring a lot of energy. I just am tired of sitting down at my computer and hoping someone I want to talk to will be online, and that they actually want to put up with talking to me. I am tired of rearranging stuff because I have nothing better to do. I do not want my heart to race so much when my phone starts to ring. I have all this unused energy that is surging and I am running out of ways to use it up.
End Note: I am sorry to all of those people who I have been snippy with recently, I do not mean to be, I am just trying to hash out a lot of things in my mind, if you did not pick that up by reading this note. I think I am getting stressed out from lack of stress, if that were possible. So I am terribly sorry to those of you who have had to deal with me recently I am trying, I really am. I just ask that you would be patient with me and in due time, I will be beyond this point. I feel restless and uneasy, and if you are not too scared by this note, I would love to talk to you.
I am extremely pissed off at the world right at the moment and it is for a couple of very strange reasons. I love being alone, I am an introvert and can spend countless hours alone with my thoughts and can be completely content. However, there are points in time when it is pure torture. I moved into a house just off a campus last Saturday, getting ready for summer and taking summer classes and all that jazz. I have a house mate, but I rarely see her because she is in the process of planning a wedding. I have seen a few people, but I have still spent countless hours in this house with nothing but my thoughts to comfort me. There is a point in time when that IS NOT a good thing anymore. LIKE TONIGHT! I went for a walk to day in Hort park and it was amazing! I took my sketch book and collected some wild flowers that are now drying in my closet. It was a beautiful day, and then I came home to silence and isolation, which would not bother me if I did not think there were other things I could be doing with my time. So I am mad at myself because I can not come up with better things to do with my time.
Second item of business. I do not know why, but I find myself torn between loving and hating people all at once. I put a large portion of myself into the relationships I have, and I get easily drained and aggrivated when things/ people do things that are hurtful even when they do not mean to do so. I get aggitated with myself as well as others. I am a very understanding person, and with that I feel like I get walked on a lot. Where is the line between being a push over and being understanding?!?!?! Sometimes I feel like I talk myself out of standing up for my own thoughts or feelings. At least when it comes to matters that are important to me. Yeah I can argue small things, and I can do it very well, but when it comes to things that involve my feelings, my emotions, and my well being, sometimes I fear that I allow others to control the situation. Is this good or bad??
I understand that this situation, as well as all this past week is of my own accord. If I really did not want to be alone, or needed a change, I am sure I would have found some way of doing so, there is me being understanding again. I just feel exhausted tonight, and its not because I have done anything requiring a lot of energy. I just am tired of sitting down at my computer and hoping someone I want to talk to will be online, and that they actually want to put up with talking to me. I am tired of rearranging stuff because I have nothing better to do. I do not want my heart to race so much when my phone starts to ring. I have all this unused energy that is surging and I am running out of ways to use it up.
End Note: I am sorry to all of those people who I have been snippy with recently, I do not mean to be, I am just trying to hash out a lot of things in my mind, if you did not pick that up by reading this note. I think I am getting stressed out from lack of stress, if that were possible. So I am terribly sorry to those of you who have had to deal with me recently I am trying, I really am. I just ask that you would be patient with me and in due time, I will be beyond this point. I feel restless and uneasy, and if you are not too scared by this note, I would love to talk to you.