Introspection.
I had a talk with Kelly, and it really made me realize what an icky person I am a lot. There are so many things about me that are just awful, and it makes me so frustrated that I can't change them. I know a lot of times I give certain impressions, and whether I want to or not, they come out all wrong and I become judged for it. I am really starting to get frustrated with my forgetfulness. It's becoming a liability. I forget the stupidest, mundane stuff, and I so BADLY wish I could fix it. I can't wait until I get my med coverage from work, so I can see a doctor and find out if there is some solution I just can't see or keep forgetting. Unfortunately, it appears to other people that my forgetfulness is rudeness, or boredom. It makes me so sad that people see me as mean, or rude. And honestly, I can see that sometimes I am. And I wish I wasn't so, really I do. Just like....I wish I could be monogamous sometimes. It seems like my life would be infinitely easier if I were more like Kelly...kind, caring, understanding. It takes someone infinitely understanding to put up with my bullshit for 6 years. Maybe it's just my loneliness kicking in, but I really feel awful sometimes. Lately I feel like I haven't been the daughter that my mother wants me to be, and the one that I honestly DO want to be. I feel like I've taken advantage of people, but I'm so defensive in everything that I do, I tend to look out for myself first. I don't know, but I was always taught to make sure I was gonna be ok first, and worry about everyone else later. But how heroic is that? In result, I am selfish and childish and people pretend to like me but if they were to be stuck in a lifeboat with anyone, it sure as hell would not be me.
Maybe I'm getting to emotional about it. I know there are lots of good things about me too, but it seems like all I ever get noticed for are the bad. I guess it's my personal will to stand up for myself that makes me so demanding, or bitchy, or seemingly rude. I can't be accommodating, or subservient to anyone I don't genuinely like or WANT to do nice things for.
I've lost my train of thought. See what I mean? I forget things as I'm saying them.
I leave with good quotes:
"Well do you ever get the feeling that the story's too damn real and in the present tense?"
"Let me bring you songs from the wood, to make you feel much better than you could know.
Let me bring you love from the fields, poppies red and roses filled with summer rain.
To heal the wounds and still the pain."
Maybe I'm getting to emotional about it. I know there are lots of good things about me too, but it seems like all I ever get noticed for are the bad. I guess it's my personal will to stand up for myself that makes me so demanding, or bitchy, or seemingly rude. I can't be accommodating, or subservient to anyone I don't genuinely like or WANT to do nice things for.
I've lost my train of thought. See what I mean? I forget things as I'm saying them.
I leave with good quotes:
"Well do you ever get the feeling that the story's too damn real and in the present tense?"
"Let me bring you songs from the wood, to make you feel much better than you could know.
Let me bring you love from the fields, poppies red and roses filled with summer rain.
To heal the wounds and still the pain."