(no subject)
Update.
I may be moving to 100 Mile House in the late fall. Why? Why not? A couple people I know are moving up there, and not knowing people has always been my excuse for not moving in the past. I dont really hang out with many people down here anymore anyway.
The last few months, I've been feeling super angsty. Like highschool kind of angsty. I know exactly why, but I dont quite know what to do about it. Well, moreso it's a combination of a few things and I dont know what to work out first. It's one of those been buried alive kind of feelings where I know it'll get worse if I don't do anything about it, but I'm just not sure where to start. I've also been having a harsh pre-midlife crisis lately. I've been questioning a lot of my past decisions and if I really ended up being where I want to be, in more ways than one.
I bought a new (old) car! It's a 1981 Buick Regal. It a total grandma/pimp car, but this one is very performance oriented, and was dirt cheap! I may start taking to Mission Raceway for the street legal drag races, because again, why not? Its in great condition, and I bought it off the original owner who spent a ton of money on it. If I end up not liking it for what ever reason, I can part it out for AT LEAST five times what I paid for it. Investment! I wish some of my friends shared my interest in cars. It would make this a lot more exciting. They're not manly enough, is my guess. Same thing with work; I have a hard time talking about work because I work a trades job, and none of my friends do. When i talk about things I do at work, people seem to not understand, or not care. (Or both) But Im expected to listen to other talk about their work. I guess I've done enough jobs in my life that I've worked in most fields. I can relate to most people's work.
Work is ok. Some days I love it, some days I want to just say "Fuck it" and walk away from it. More often than not, it's just work. I think the main reason I dont care for it is because Im not really friends with anyone there, so I don't really get to talk to anyone all day. I know Im not used to working in a shop envirnoment, and I know that in shop environments, the people tend to rag on eachother a lot, which I can deal with. But because I dont know anyone there outside of work, I only know the douchy/work side of them, it makes me not want to talk to them. Also, our forklift driver is dangerous, and almost kills me on a daily basis.
My birthday was a few weeks ago. I was going to have a party then just kinda thought "fuck it." I didn't feel like celebrating, which is ironic, because later, I'm going to cmplain about the lacking of parties! But yeah, this is the second year (not consecutively) that I have not celebrated my birthday. I don't know why, I just don't care. Im being awfully negative....
Honestly, all I want to do these days is sit around and play music, but even that is hard to do. I've been brushing on my theory thanks to an excellent book I bought a few weeks back, and I feel more capable than ever, but I'm lacking the motivation. I have great difficulty writing music, and Im struggling to get away from the Exclaimers mindset. I love the Exclaimers, and if that could be a full time gig, I'd be all over it. The problem is it doesn't give me anything to do when I'm not in the Exclaimers. I'd love to start playing and writing serious music, but it's just something I have little experience with, and I tend to get frustrated easily while doing it. I think I need someone to make music with, ya know? Someone around my skill level. (most people are above it...) Also, I really would like to start taking voice classes. I know enough about guitar that i've determined I don't need lessons. What I need, is practice. I would love to become a better singer if for no other reason than I just love to sing (but am awful at it...) I'm finding it very difficult to find other people to play music with too. Most people I know are very centered around a specific type of music and finding common ground is difficult when they have a closed mind. Also, just in a general mindset, I can't find that person that I just connect with. I've tried jamming with a few other people and nothing feels natural. I guess that comes with time? I don't know, it just feels different.
I've been trying to reconnect some people lately, to no avail. I really feel like Im living in the past and everyone else moved on ages ago. Everyone is too busy with their lives these days. I mean, I have friends that live 10 minutes away, and it takes two weeks to plan a day to grab a coffee at Tims or a beer at the bar. It's fucked up to me. What good is having friends who wont make time for eachother? I dont know, maybe it's because Ashley and I don't really hang out with eachother at home. Maybe I feel like I need to escape sometimes? Our relationship is getting into an area I've never been before. We don't fight... we don't argue... we don't do much of anything, really. It's almost become a sort of "roommates" thing, which I think is weird. But at the same time, it's going well. it's fucked up. I don't really know what it is. It think it's just that we're completely different people? Fuck if I know. I've always been bad at relationships. I'm great at giving advice regarding them, but it's much harder to give to myself. I almost feel like I just need someone to tell me what to do. It'd be easier. But it's hard to get advice from people I don't see. Fuck.
Fuck, normally I'd LJ Cut this shit, but since LJ is broken (or nobody posts anymore) Im not really worried about taking the entire friends page like I used to be.
I miss partys. Why doesnt anyone have partys anymore? Probably the same reason as stated before; people have this tendency to always be too busy. I shouldn't be hating on people with shit to do, but like I said, friends will make time to see other friends. I can't remember the last time I was invited out and I said "no." It's like I'm a super friend or anything it's just... They're my friends. I like to see my frieds so why wouldnt I go? I don't know. I have a full time job, I live my girlfriend, and I have many hobbys, but I manage to make time. I'm a dying breed.
(/angst)
Thats enough of that.
Oh, on the long weekend, I went camping at this cabing owned by a guy I had never met. He's rich, and very nice, and let me use his cabin for the weekend providing I cleaned it after and I chopped wood for him. Good deal. Thats what got me thinking about 100 Mile House actually. His cabin was on a private lake just outside of there; huge property with a bunch of cabins. The guy even let me use his guns, ATVs, boat, and fishing gear. He also said Im wlecome to back anytime. He also said if I can get 10% of the down payment on a house, he'd p[ay the other 10% for me because h has more money than he needs. I know he's telling the truth because he did that for a friend of mine! Theres a run down cabin on his property, and he told me if I can to fix it/rebuild it, I can put my own lock on it and it will be mine for as long as I want providing I take of it (for free!) Neat.
Diablo3 is out now. Honestly, I was looking forward to the highschool days when we'd all be online playing together. And really, we are all doing that. The problem is the game just isnt the same. I don't find it as fun, and I'm very disappointed that I waited so long, with such great anticipation for it. Boourns.
I shaved my beard yesterday for the first time in several months. It was getting more lumberjack-like than I would ever like it to be again. Now I have beard tan. FML
I've been thinking lately about how well rounded I am. Not in the belly kind of way either (although Im getting there!) I mean, I know a lot of things about a lot of things. I can carry a conversation on almost any topic because I can usually personally relate. Maybe I have a high opinion of myself (which I always have...), but I like to think I'm more "experienced" than many people my age. (/ego inflation)
Hm, I need to make dinner. Goodbye.
The "mood" was a toss up between melancholy, and pensive.
EDIT: The perfect song for the mood:
Against Me - Scream Until You're Coughing Up Blood
Everything
You got to hold on to
Everything
You relied on to be there is completely fucked
There's a skeleton of loyalty hanging in the gallows of your heart
(no one wins this one)
And where are your friends?
Please help me through these years ahead.
Are we just drinking buddies
Playing with each other's deepest vulnerability?
That this is all we know?
So this is how it's gonna stay?
I think I
Would rather
Remember how it was and go our separate ways.
I don't feel anything
Unless we are living and dying for each other
Every second of our lives.
Everything
You thought that it would be,
Everything
You thought you were living for is completely fucked.
This is no place to be.
If we don't get out of here right now,
We're just gonna end up drunk, fucking,
and fighting and working machines.
If I have another cigarette,
If I drink another beer,
Sit quiet another time when I should've said
"Oh, this is too much.
There are things I never wanted to be."
This ship has sprung a leak
And I'll be damned if I'm going down
I may be moving to 100 Mile House in the late fall. Why? Why not? A couple people I know are moving up there, and not knowing people has always been my excuse for not moving in the past. I dont really hang out with many people down here anymore anyway.
The last few months, I've been feeling super angsty. Like highschool kind of angsty. I know exactly why, but I dont quite know what to do about it. Well, moreso it's a combination of a few things and I dont know what to work out first. It's one of those been buried alive kind of feelings where I know it'll get worse if I don't do anything about it, but I'm just not sure where to start. I've also been having a harsh pre-midlife crisis lately. I've been questioning a lot of my past decisions and if I really ended up being where I want to be, in more ways than one.
I bought a new (old) car! It's a 1981 Buick Regal. It a total grandma/pimp car, but this one is very performance oriented, and was dirt cheap! I may start taking to Mission Raceway for the street legal drag races, because again, why not? Its in great condition, and I bought it off the original owner who spent a ton of money on it. If I end up not liking it for what ever reason, I can part it out for AT LEAST five times what I paid for it. Investment! I wish some of my friends shared my interest in cars. It would make this a lot more exciting. They're not manly enough, is my guess. Same thing with work; I have a hard time talking about work because I work a trades job, and none of my friends do. When i talk about things I do at work, people seem to not understand, or not care. (Or both) But Im expected to listen to other talk about their work. I guess I've done enough jobs in my life that I've worked in most fields. I can relate to most people's work.
Work is ok. Some days I love it, some days I want to just say "Fuck it" and walk away from it. More often than not, it's just work. I think the main reason I dont care for it is because Im not really friends with anyone there, so I don't really get to talk to anyone all day. I know Im not used to working in a shop envirnoment, and I know that in shop environments, the people tend to rag on eachother a lot, which I can deal with. But because I dont know anyone there outside of work, I only know the douchy/work side of them, it makes me not want to talk to them. Also, our forklift driver is dangerous, and almost kills me on a daily basis.
My birthday was a few weeks ago. I was going to have a party then just kinda thought "fuck it." I didn't feel like celebrating, which is ironic, because later, I'm going to cmplain about the lacking of parties! But yeah, this is the second year (not consecutively) that I have not celebrated my birthday. I don't know why, I just don't care. Im being awfully negative....
Honestly, all I want to do these days is sit around and play music, but even that is hard to do. I've been brushing on my theory thanks to an excellent book I bought a few weeks back, and I feel more capable than ever, but I'm lacking the motivation. I have great difficulty writing music, and Im struggling to get away from the Exclaimers mindset. I love the Exclaimers, and if that could be a full time gig, I'd be all over it. The problem is it doesn't give me anything to do when I'm not in the Exclaimers. I'd love to start playing and writing serious music, but it's just something I have little experience with, and I tend to get frustrated easily while doing it. I think I need someone to make music with, ya know? Someone around my skill level. (most people are above it...) Also, I really would like to start taking voice classes. I know enough about guitar that i've determined I don't need lessons. What I need, is practice. I would love to become a better singer if for no other reason than I just love to sing (but am awful at it...) I'm finding it very difficult to find other people to play music with too. Most people I know are very centered around a specific type of music and finding common ground is difficult when they have a closed mind. Also, just in a general mindset, I can't find that person that I just connect with. I've tried jamming with a few other people and nothing feels natural. I guess that comes with time? I don't know, it just feels different.
I've been trying to reconnect some people lately, to no avail. I really feel like Im living in the past and everyone else moved on ages ago. Everyone is too busy with their lives these days. I mean, I have friends that live 10 minutes away, and it takes two weeks to plan a day to grab a coffee at Tims or a beer at the bar. It's fucked up to me. What good is having friends who wont make time for eachother? I dont know, maybe it's because Ashley and I don't really hang out with eachother at home. Maybe I feel like I need to escape sometimes? Our relationship is getting into an area I've never been before. We don't fight... we don't argue... we don't do much of anything, really. It's almost become a sort of "roommates" thing, which I think is weird. But at the same time, it's going well. it's fucked up. I don't really know what it is. It think it's just that we're completely different people? Fuck if I know. I've always been bad at relationships. I'm great at giving advice regarding them, but it's much harder to give to myself. I almost feel like I just need someone to tell me what to do. It'd be easier. But it's hard to get advice from people I don't see. Fuck.
Fuck, normally I'd LJ Cut this shit, but since LJ is broken (or nobody posts anymore) Im not really worried about taking the entire friends page like I used to be.
I miss partys. Why doesnt anyone have partys anymore? Probably the same reason as stated before; people have this tendency to always be too busy. I shouldn't be hating on people with shit to do, but like I said, friends will make time to see other friends. I can't remember the last time I was invited out and I said "no." It's like I'm a super friend or anything it's just... They're my friends. I like to see my frieds so why wouldnt I go? I don't know. I have a full time job, I live my girlfriend, and I have many hobbys, but I manage to make time. I'm a dying breed.
(/angst)
Thats enough of that.
Oh, on the long weekend, I went camping at this cabing owned by a guy I had never met. He's rich, and very nice, and let me use his cabin for the weekend providing I cleaned it after and I chopped wood for him. Good deal. Thats what got me thinking about 100 Mile House actually. His cabin was on a private lake just outside of there; huge property with a bunch of cabins. The guy even let me use his guns, ATVs, boat, and fishing gear. He also said Im wlecome to back anytime. He also said if I can get 10% of the down payment on a house, he'd p[ay the other 10% for me because h has more money than he needs. I know he's telling the truth because he did that for a friend of mine! Theres a run down cabin on his property, and he told me if I can to fix it/rebuild it, I can put my own lock on it and it will be mine for as long as I want providing I take of it (for free!) Neat.
Diablo3 is out now. Honestly, I was looking forward to the highschool days when we'd all be online playing together. And really, we are all doing that. The problem is the game just isnt the same. I don't find it as fun, and I'm very disappointed that I waited so long, with such great anticipation for it. Boourns.
I shaved my beard yesterday for the first time in several months. It was getting more lumberjack-like than I would ever like it to be again. Now I have beard tan. FML
I've been thinking lately about how well rounded I am. Not in the belly kind of way either (although Im getting there!) I mean, I know a lot of things about a lot of things. I can carry a conversation on almost any topic because I can usually personally relate. Maybe I have a high opinion of myself (which I always have...), but I like to think I'm more "experienced" than many people my age. (/ego inflation)
Hm, I need to make dinner. Goodbye.
The "mood" was a toss up between melancholy, and pensive.
EDIT: The perfect song for the mood:
Against Me - Scream Until You're Coughing Up Blood
Everything
You got to hold on to
Everything
You relied on to be there is completely fucked
There's a skeleton of loyalty hanging in the gallows of your heart
(no one wins this one)
And where are your friends?
Please help me through these years ahead.
Are we just drinking buddies
Playing with each other's deepest vulnerability?
That this is all we know?
So this is how it's gonna stay?
I think I
Would rather
Remember how it was and go our separate ways.
I don't feel anything
Unless we are living and dying for each other
Every second of our lives.
Everything
You thought that it would be,
Everything
You thought you were living for is completely fucked.
This is no place to be.
If we don't get out of here right now,
We're just gonna end up drunk, fucking,
and fighting and working machines.
If I have another cigarette,
If I drink another beer,
Sit quiet another time when I should've said
"Oh, this is too much.
There are things I never wanted to be."
This ship has sprung a leak
And I'll be damned if I'm going down