Need
Author: Angstydaydreams
Story: Need
Word Count: 736
Summary: A response to a challenge on the GW Whump Thread. Here's the challenge:
Write a short fic (under a thousand words) of John's thoughts on his Conversion experience.
Smash
Crush
Run
Feed
“Nngghh…” John keened, fighting for control, for clarity. He sank onto the bed, cradling his head in the mockery of what now passed for his hands. Savagery, pure and raw, welled within him. He clenched his teeth, clamped down, rocked back and forth back and forth. “Uuuugggghhhhhh!”
Escape
Run
Bite
Gnash
Escape
Escape
Escape
“Nooooooooo!” John moaned, shaking his head back and forth. He gasped, clarity hitting with the force of a blow. This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be happening. No. No. No. A bug? Of all things to happen to him he was turning into a bug?
He uncurled his fist, opening the palm of his hand. It was scaly but still smooth. Would it slit soon? Would he crave human life? Would he take a life?
“No!” John rose to his feet and slammed his hand, that hand, against the wall. Pain coursed through him. It thrilled him. It fed that thing crawling out of his mutated, mutilated DNA.
The walls were closing in. He paced. He had to think. He had to think.
Two. Three. Five. Seven. Eleven. Thirteen.
Run
Crash
Escape
Escape
“Seventeen. Nineteen. Twenty-three,” he gasped. Think. Think. Think. “Twenty….nine.”
Too bright. Too bright. He rose, stumbled towards the light control and threw the room into darkness. Sighing he careened back to the bed.
Escape
Feed
Escape
“Nnnggghhhh.” Anger bubbled inside. He gnashed his teeth. He yelled, “Every body remains in a state of constant velocity unless acted upon by an external unbalanced force.” He giggled. Laughter erupted from his throat. How fucking ironic. He was Newton’s first law of physics brought to life. Stick him in a specimen jar for all to see.
His body rose up. He paced. He roamed the tiny room. He closed his eyes and sensed the walls. Their solidity bounced like radar off his body.
Escape
Escape
Hunger
Escape
Hunger
Feed
“I feel….the need….” John panted. The room swirled. He saw in hues of yellow and gold. “the need…for speed.”
“This isn’t happening. This isn’t happening.” John moaned. His mind was a turbulent sea. There was no mooring, no lifeline to hang on to. He was drowning. Hope was a shoreline he could no longer see. He was losing.
Rip
Tear
Punch
His soul was being ripped apart. Torn asunder. He was lost.
His eyes flew open. “Somebody kill me,” he begged. But his words were trapped in a vacuum. He was alone. There was no one to hear his plea. His friends still clung to hope. But he knew. He was a few threads of sanity away from being a monster. One by one he felt them snapping away. Why couldn’t his friends see it? Why couldn’t Elizabeth? Hysterical laugher clawed at his throat.
“I want the truth!” He howled. He doubled over. Thread after thread ripped away. “You can’t handle the truth!”
“One thousand…one thousand…!” He couldn’t remember. Couldn’t remember…
Escape
Escape
Escape
He screamed.
He sensed movement behind him. He leapt to his feet. He was tackled to the floor. Something sharp dug into his arm. He grasped at the words flooding his mind like a raging river.
“Are ye with me Colonel?” Carson asked softly.
“One thousand forty nine,” John sobbed, rolling into a ball.
“Colonel,” Carson slid his hand under John’s upper arm.
“He drank his first strong liquor then to calm his shaking hand, and tried to tell himself at last he had become a man.” John slowly unfolded himself and sat up, his legs crossed on the cold floor. “Johnny Cash,” John hoarsely answered Carson’s questioning look.
“The inhibitor is working less effectively now,” Carson noted quietly.
“The urges are too strong,” John’s hand clenched and unclenched. “I can’t fight them.”
“I know son,” Pain, guilt, grief, all passed through Carson’s eyes.
“Treat me like a monster, not a man,” John grabbed Carson’s shoulders causing panic to crash into those clear blue eyes. “When the time comes. Promise me.”
Carson’s throat worked wordlessly until John finally pulled his hands away and forced them into his lap.
“Promise me,” John said harshly.
“I promise, Colonel Sheppard,” Carson warbled. “I promise.”
John nodded. “Leave me alone.”
Carson’s head bobbed up and down. He scrambled to his feet, backed out the door.
John was left alone. The solitary man. Until he was a man no more.
Grief surged and then passed.
“Escape. Escape. Escape,” John whispered.
Fin