thank you livejournal communities!
in wtf_history someone posted this! i thought it was hilarious! read it! maybe you will too!
"
Another "student gets history wrong" post
My AP US History teacher showed the class this today--it's an actual response he received to a question he gave on a test. It's so hilariously (and possibly purposely?) wrong that I have to show everyone. Everything's exactly as it's written on the paper.
Question Two: Analyze the cultural and economic responses of TWO of the following groups to the Indians of North America before 1750.
A. British
B. French
C. Spanish
All the British wanted to do was exercise a little imperialism in the world.
The British always looked at the Indians as speed bumps on the road to empire.
The British gave the Indians special reimbursements, like college scholarships.
The Taft-Hartley Act of 1901 mandated that the Indians carry identification cards.
The Spanish pulled the band-aid off quickly while the British pulled it one hair at a time.
The French forced millions of beavers to become unwilling participants in the fur coat industry.
The French discovered that beavers were excellent hats.
French travelers to North America were outdoorsmen - when in a strange place it makes little sense to kill your guides.
The massive forces of European invasion smashed into the Natives like a Mac truck grinding into a Geo-Metro. Of course, the new Europeans had their own problems. Even a Mac truck leaves skid marks in a collision.
Americans in North America were diplomatic furriers.
Americans practiced recreational homicide.
The differences between the Spanish and the French to the Native Americans was like the difference between cheesecake and salted fish.
Spanish missions got the Indians in debt to the priests.
The Indians gave the Spanish Montezuma's Revenge when they drank the water.
Indian resistance was crippled at the Battle of Fallen Knee.
The settlers at Jamestown were young brash men who enjoyed pillaging cultures.
The French had a taste for fur.
The French and British were SO INTO having land!
Men like John Locke befriended Indian chiefs and learned a lot.
When the colonists learned the Indians had no gold, they stopped harassing them and paid attention to important things, like starving.
The British were stuck up and condescending Quarkers, who believed in equality.
The British thought the land was theirs since they saw no property signs.
The British sailed to the New World on royal charters.
Indians weren't as dumb as predicted. They sent Ponce de Leon off to search for a mythical fountain and they laughed and gave each other high fives.
The Indians in the north were living in the woods, eating beaver, making fur pants, and partying it up. All of a sudden the French came in with their accents and told them to leave.
The Spanish were hell-bent on spreading Catholicism.
Victor Hugo was one of the first French settlers.
The Spanish ruled the Indians, which caused the breeding of mestizos, and lead to a new government in Central America where it was warmer.
Liquor made the Indians less coherent and more European.
The French married Indians; the Europeans buried them.
The Spanish made the Indians Catholic, which naturally led to voodoo.
Pancho Villa discovered Florida and named it after his sister.
So in the end the Indians ended up with coffee and tea and the French got furs and tattoos.
Led by James Polk and Burt Bacharach, the French moved in on the natives.
The Spanish were led by Elian Gonzales.
Lief Erickson must have been scared shitless - Vineland had inhabitants.
The Proclamation of 1763 wasn't effective because they couldn't see the line.
The French were the first to settle in North America, where they wandered mindlessly into a world of fear.
Sacajawea and Montesquieu are two famous Indians who helped new settlers in exchange for weapons.
Beaver pellets were considered luxuries in France.
Here's a typical Spanish-Indian conversation:
"Donde esta el gold?" The Indian kind of laughs and says, "Somewhere up north."
Pochahontas led Lewis and Clark to the Promised Land.
The British took a missionary position towards the Indians.
Spain began spreading diseases like small pox and Catholicism.
The French saw the Indians in much the same way that some people see beanie babies today.
Doesn't Imperialism suck?
The British were involved in a scrimmage with the Indians.
Pochahontas had a daughter named Virginia Dare.
The Europeans came to the New World to look for a resting place for their egos."