The Shallow Fangirl: The Hair-and-Fashion Raw Report 3.25.13
"Report" is perhaps a misnomer, because it implies that I would recap all wrestlers equally. Which I will not. Because I'm biased. This is more like "a whole bunch of Twig's unsubstantiated opinions." Also, I've only recently started regularly watching Raw again, so a lot of stuff is new to me. New things are, of course, unexpected, and unexpected things make me feel scared.
Any Raw that has CM Punk wearing pants is a fail Raw. I find the lack of thighs disturbing. I know Punk isn't scheduled to do any wrestling until 'Mania, but still. I could accept jeans. Still the wrong answer, because the right answer is always "tiny pants," but jeans are cromulent. These sweatpants are not. They look like the pants you wear on laundry day, and the kind that barely passes the sniff test to boot. I don't understand the tapered legs. It's like they're trying to be skinny jeans. I hate skinny jeans. It's like the worst of both worlds.
With that said, his cute little tush kinda almost looks okay in them. Oh, and I love his hoodie. I'd buy one if it weren't 40 bucks. As for his hair, though. I HATE the buzzcut. Close-crop? Sure. But this? Urgh. Please grow it out. My desperate wish is for Nexus-era hair to make a comeback, because Nexus Punk is the hottest Punk.
I'm 95% sure that Fandango and Jericho are only feuding because Fandango raided Jericho's wardrobe.
I have issues with Fandango's hair btw. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it bugs me.
WHAT IS YOUR HAIR CHRIS JERICHO?
Me and yesdrizella have had many conversations about Jericho's hair. He tries so hard, and usually trying hard is endearing to me, but he's trying TOO hard. Oh Jericho, I used to be so in love with you. I once wrote three paragraphs that lovingly detailed the glory of his lion mane. I know the hair cut was a long time ago, and usually I cheer when wrestlers chop their locks (blasphemy amongst most, I know, and I may have lost all credibility with people at this point), but like Edge, Chris Jericho's face is meant for long hair.
But at least Edge looks kinda cute and age appropriate with the short do. Jericho is doing that cool dad thing where he's trying to be a DILF, and it's just. No. He's the creepy dad who hits on the babysitter while driving her home (TM Opera).
I love Dolph's ass swivel, but it makes for a hell of time capping. Dolph Ziggler understands my needs. Booty shorts on a cute tush. SHINY booty shorts on a cute tush. And he wiggles his moneymaker at the masses. Dolph is truly a man after my own heart.
Antonio Cesaro: the Swiss guy with an Italian name. That's right up there with Simon Diamond, an Irish guy with a Jewish last name. yesdrizella calls Antonio wrestling's Jason Statham, and holy shit, truest fax. Here's a guy whose haircut I completely endorse btw. He looks SO badass. However, I am utterly baffled by his... what do you even call those things on his thighs? Are they decorative? Does he need some sort of thigh support? Also, his lack of kneepads is scandalous. He should be fined for such obscenity.
Waaaaaaaaaade. Who doesn't seem to come out to the ring in his coat anymore which makes Twig a very sad panda. Did he lose it at the dry cleaners? Did some douchebag steal it? Actually he came out with it on Main Event, like, last week? Two weeks ago? I don't know why he thinks Raw doesn't deserve some class.
My feelings about Wade's hair can fill up five paragraphs. I'll spare the world that torment. Let's just say that my favorite Wade hair is late 2011, when he was feuding with Randy Orton. As for his beard... I liked it at first. It gives his face definition, makes him look older, tougher, but now that I've been catching up on his career, I think I prefer the clean shaven days.
Oh, I also have an inexplicable fondness for wrestlers who tape up their wrists/hands. Wade's been doing it since his return from injury and I heartily approve.
Justin Gabriel's body is so unf I want to weep. He also wears the tiniest of pants. I'm pretty sure his have the lowest square inch by a good margin. This is a terrible cap, but compare him with the rest of his trunks wearing breathen. His dip WAY lower than everybody else's, revealing to us the glory of his hip dents.
With that said, he has inexplicably godawful hair. He keeps having godawful hair. Why, Justin. When you're a gorgeous man. And it's not like you're Joey Ryan where your gimmick is based on uglifying your naturally hot state. Also, idk those arm pad thingies. I haven't watched a lot of Justin's matches, but I don't think he has an arm-based offense. Kicky guys have kick pads. Makes sense. But he's not really Mr. Elbows and Forearm Smash. Correct me if I'm wrong though, except I'm pretty sure I'm not wrong.
Male Fashion MVP of the Night: Cody Rhodes. That ring jacket is so glorious. It accentuates his form, does not hide his thighs, gives you a nice glimpse of his chest, but provides the option of zipped all the way up. The zip starts, like, right above his crotch, too, like this not-so-demure invitation for you to look. It has a hood! And look at that pointed hem in the back. It's so snazzy and stylish. Plus everything matches. Hints of purple in the jacket; purple trim on his trunks. White kneepads, white boots with black trim. Gah.
As for Damien... I don't get why he wears a bathrobe. Can somebody explain this to me? With that said, he looks great in neon pink. I love a man who isn't afraid of color.
Gurl, you got booty. Booty booty booty booty booty booty booty.
Female Fashion MVP of the Night: AJ Lee. I'm generally not a fan of sneakers, BUT THOSE SNEAKER BOOTS OMG. I'd say I want them, but I could never wear them with such style. I love over the knee socks, especially with stripes. Also something I've tried to pull off in the past, but could not. :( Her shorts are adorable, the belt accentuating her style. Plus the way she sits on the rope with such sass. <3
Kaitlyn's body is UNF. What she's wearing? Decidedly not. Does not flatter her figure at all. IDK what is up with that shirt. I hate the pants tucked into boots look. Unlike most, however, I think she can carry the two-toned hair.
John Cena. The fruity pebblest of them all. He has taken Pocahantas to heart and wishes to paint with all the colors of the wind. Bless him. While I did say that I love men who aren't afraid of color, John Cena loves color a little too much. He has the most godawful merch since Stone Cold and his snakes-ladden t-shirts.
Still. Booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty.
Well, that was either twice as long as I intended, or three times shorter than I expected. I don't know if I'll do this again next week, but rest assured, I'll still have a lot of feelings about fashion and hair next Raw.
Any Raw that has CM Punk wearing pants is a fail Raw. I find the lack of thighs disturbing. I know Punk isn't scheduled to do any wrestling until 'Mania, but still. I could accept jeans. Still the wrong answer, because the right answer is always "tiny pants," but jeans are cromulent. These sweatpants are not. They look like the pants you wear on laundry day, and the kind that barely passes the sniff test to boot. I don't understand the tapered legs. It's like they're trying to be skinny jeans. I hate skinny jeans. It's like the worst of both worlds.
With that said, his cute little tush kinda almost looks okay in them. Oh, and I love his hoodie. I'd buy one if it weren't 40 bucks. As for his hair, though. I HATE the buzzcut. Close-crop? Sure. But this? Urgh. Please grow it out. My desperate wish is for Nexus-era hair to make a comeback, because Nexus Punk is the hottest Punk.
I'm 95% sure that Fandango and Jericho are only feuding because Fandango raided Jericho's wardrobe.
I have issues with Fandango's hair btw. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it bugs me.
WHAT IS YOUR HAIR CHRIS JERICHO?
Me and yesdrizella have had many conversations about Jericho's hair. He tries so hard, and usually trying hard is endearing to me, but he's trying TOO hard. Oh Jericho, I used to be so in love with you. I once wrote three paragraphs that lovingly detailed the glory of his lion mane. I know the hair cut was a long time ago, and usually I cheer when wrestlers chop their locks (blasphemy amongst most, I know, and I may have lost all credibility with people at this point), but like Edge, Chris Jericho's face is meant for long hair.
But at least Edge looks kinda cute and age appropriate with the short do. Jericho is doing that cool dad thing where he's trying to be a DILF, and it's just. No. He's the creepy dad who hits on the babysitter while driving her home (TM Opera).
I love Dolph's ass swivel, but it makes for a hell of time capping. Dolph Ziggler understands my needs. Booty shorts on a cute tush. SHINY booty shorts on a cute tush. And he wiggles his moneymaker at the masses. Dolph is truly a man after my own heart.
Antonio Cesaro: the Swiss guy with an Italian name. That's right up there with Simon Diamond, an Irish guy with a Jewish last name. yesdrizella calls Antonio wrestling's Jason Statham, and holy shit, truest fax. Here's a guy whose haircut I completely endorse btw. He looks SO badass. However, I am utterly baffled by his... what do you even call those things on his thighs? Are they decorative? Does he need some sort of thigh support? Also, his lack of kneepads is scandalous. He should be fined for such obscenity.
Waaaaaaaaaade. Who doesn't seem to come out to the ring in his coat anymore which makes Twig a very sad panda. Did he lose it at the dry cleaners? Did some douchebag steal it? Actually he came out with it on Main Event, like, last week? Two weeks ago? I don't know why he thinks Raw doesn't deserve some class.
My feelings about Wade's hair can fill up five paragraphs. I'll spare the world that torment. Let's just say that my favorite Wade hair is late 2011, when he was feuding with Randy Orton. As for his beard... I liked it at first. It gives his face definition, makes him look older, tougher, but now that I've been catching up on his career, I think I prefer the clean shaven days.
Oh, I also have an inexplicable fondness for wrestlers who tape up their wrists/hands. Wade's been doing it since his return from injury and I heartily approve.
Justin Gabriel's body is so unf I want to weep. He also wears the tiniest of pants. I'm pretty sure his have the lowest square inch by a good margin. This is a terrible cap, but compare him with the rest of his trunks wearing breathen. His dip WAY lower than everybody else's, revealing to us the glory of his hip dents.
With that said, he has inexplicably godawful hair. He keeps having godawful hair. Why, Justin. When you're a gorgeous man. And it's not like you're Joey Ryan where your gimmick is based on uglifying your naturally hot state. Also, idk those arm pad thingies. I haven't watched a lot of Justin's matches, but I don't think he has an arm-based offense. Kicky guys have kick pads. Makes sense. But he's not really Mr. Elbows and Forearm Smash. Correct me if I'm wrong though, except I'm pretty sure I'm not wrong.
Male Fashion MVP of the Night: Cody Rhodes. That ring jacket is so glorious. It accentuates his form, does not hide his thighs, gives you a nice glimpse of his chest, but provides the option of zipped all the way up. The zip starts, like, right above his crotch, too, like this not-so-demure invitation for you to look. It has a hood! And look at that pointed hem in the back. It's so snazzy and stylish. Plus everything matches. Hints of purple in the jacket; purple trim on his trunks. White kneepads, white boots with black trim. Gah.
As for Damien... I don't get why he wears a bathrobe. Can somebody explain this to me? With that said, he looks great in neon pink. I love a man who isn't afraid of color.
Gurl, you got booty. Booty booty booty booty booty booty booty.
Female Fashion MVP of the Night: AJ Lee. I'm generally not a fan of sneakers, BUT THOSE SNEAKER BOOTS OMG. I'd say I want them, but I could never wear them with such style. I love over the knee socks, especially with stripes. Also something I've tried to pull off in the past, but could not. :( Her shorts are adorable, the belt accentuating her style. Plus the way she sits on the rope with such sass. <3
Kaitlyn's body is UNF. What she's wearing? Decidedly not. Does not flatter her figure at all. IDK what is up with that shirt. I hate the pants tucked into boots look. Unlike most, however, I think she can carry the two-toned hair.
John Cena. The fruity pebblest of them all. He has taken Pocahantas to heart and wishes to paint with all the colors of the wind. Bless him. While I did say that I love men who aren't afraid of color, John Cena loves color a little too much. He has the most godawful merch since Stone Cold and his snakes-ladden t-shirts.
Still. Booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty.
Well, that was either twice as long as I intended, or three times shorter than I expected. I don't know if I'll do this again next week, but rest assured, I'll still have a lot of feelings about fashion and hair next Raw.