If only...
Dear Robert-
We have been doing this for a year now. This works well for me. I am independent, work a lot of hours and have a busy home life on top of that. I enjoy hanging out with my friends, going to football practice and games and doing my own thing. I don't want to be with someone that I would have to give any of that up for. If I am with someone who would have a problem with me going rafting with the crew, I'd have a problem with them. I don't balance my checkbook and don't want to someone hovering over the money all the time. If I mess up, I mess up on my own. If I succeed, I succeed on my own. It's been that way for a long time. I've been divorced for over 4 years, and really, it was like that before the divorce too.
And then there is you... I met you, and you were 2500 miles away. You were perfect, and kind and interested in me. You had your own life and your own friends and your own things you did. If you messesd up, you messed up on your own. If you succeeded, you succeeded on your own. You were far enough away that there was no way you could interupt my routine. Yet I could enjoy my time with you, the feel of you and the sound of your voice. You made me feel things that I had not felt in years. You once described our first two weeks together as a fairy tale. You said you had come and awoken the me with a kiss. You did wake me up.
You made me realize all the things that I was missing out on with my independent 'on my own' routine. Talking with you made me realize how much I enjoy sharing pieces of my life with someone. Having you tell me about your family and your job and your life made me realize how much I enjoy being included in someone elses life. I shared my life with others before you, but I never got such pleasure out of having something little to tell. I listened to others, but I never heard enough to be connected.
You told me in February that you do not have a relationship as a priority in your life. I don't think that has changed. You have said on countless occasions that you like your life the way that it is. That you like not having to check in with anyone and being able to do whatever you want.
I want to try to make something more with you. I don't know what that is... I don't know how to get there... I don't know what to say. How do you ask for something more without being able to say what you want? I don't want to tie you down and I don't want to be tied down. I don't want to ask you to check in and I want you to always feel like you can do whatever you want. I don't want you to give me your paycheck or for you to take over my bills. I just want to try something. Something with you.
You woke in me a desire to be a part of another. I have tried since I met you to find someone else that I felt that way with. I haven't gone out looking for a fuck buddy or flirting with strangers to make a connection... but I have looked around at others and tried to see them in the same light that I see you. No one holds up... no one. I have tried going back to the way I was before, and that isn't fullfilling either. I don't think it ever will be if I always have the "what if" in my mind. What if you and I had tried? What if we lived closer together? What if I had told you how I felt instead of just acting casual all the time?
I'm too scared and too proud to try and change the way things are. It is easier to talk to you a few times a week without anything deep or committed then to tell you how I feel and risk you running away. I don't want you to think this is an ultimatum. I would rather be casual, talk to you from time to time, and see you occasionally then nothing. This isn't an ultimatum. This is honesty. The truth is, nothing has to change for me to be happy. I am happy. I am happy with the way things are. But the truth is also that I would like to see how we could be.
So here it is... aside from all of the deep philosophical rambling, I have a want. I would like to move closer to you to see if we could try. I would like to take a nursing position in your area. I would love to figure out a way to be more, without you feeling like 'more' would take away from who you are or what life you have. So, what do ya think? Can we see were we can go?
Sincerely,
Katie
While I was cooking Erin was talking to me about relationships, or, in the case of she and I... half-ships, or wanna-ships... or something. She said to me "you know you're as crazy as I am, you just act like you're not" well yeah, I guess thats true. She also asked me how/why I still wanted to be with Robert, even though I barely speak to him and only see him every few months. It's simple really... it works... I mean... works for me. Although I DO wish I could be with him more. The long distance has allowed me to take my emotions very slowely. Its always my emotions that get in the way of my relationships... and well, distance tends to help. So anyway, I got to thinking about what Erin and I were talking about. My answer to Erin was that I have gotten more from Robert over the past year then she has gotten from J. I may not talk to him every day, and I may not see him every month... but he hasn't changed. I get the same from him now that I got last October, or last January, or last March... so she asked if I wanted more. Well yeah, but I don't know how to get there. The above is my email to Robert. No, I'm not going to send it... this is just a good place to put my thoughts rather then actually sending. Yes, I'm being a chicken. But I think I have good reason. One of the wisdoms I have gained as an adult is "don't ask a question if you dont want to hear the answer". Right now he and I are travelling along... maybe not progressing, but we are still talking and the potential is still there. If I actually opened up to Robert about the things in the email, I could lose that. I'm not ready to risk what I have for something I might not get. Besides, this is a conversation I would rather have in person, I don't think something like this should be in email. Not that I'll have the conversation in person, but if I *were* going to have it, it should be in person.