(no subject)
Yesterday, I came home to find I had received a card in the mail. There was no return address, and the stamp was just a standard 'Forever' stamp, but, given the current season, I assumed it was a Christmas card. I didn't recognize the handwriting, but I assumed it was from a relative or friend. I haven't gotten many cards this year because I neglected to send them last year, and this will often get you booted from other peoples list (a practice that seems to not be keeping with the Christmas spirit). So, I open the card; the front is a picture of a desert scene, with the Three Magi following the star in the east approaching The Nativity with the text "His Star still shines for seeking hearts". On the inside of the card pre-printed; "Praying your Christmas is filled with the Joy of Jesus" and then, handwritten "Merry Christmas Andy. From a Friend". Included was a $100 bill.
Someone anonymously gave me $100 for Christmas.
And, my conclusion that I am the worst kind of person in the world was further confirmed when, I immediately saw this very kind gesture as a burden. I'm not in any position to handle this sort of unsolicited generosity. I'm a small, petty man, and this sort of thing is not in my wheelhouse.
Now I feel indebted, but to whom I don't know. And, depending on who this gift came from, I'm not sure I want it. Perhaps it came from someone who is in no position to be giving out $100 bills. Perhaps it is from someone worse off than I am. Maybe it's from a person who I don't want anything to do with, let alone accept gifts from.
Aside from that, I've always felt uncomfortable accepting nice gifts, and when I do accept nice gifts, I always try to reciprocate in some way. But now I just feel all torn up inside about it.
First, I want to know who. There is a list of suspects, but I have no way of knowing who did this with any certainty. The postmark was 'Baltimore' which is just the default postmark for most of this area. The handwriting offered little help; nothing I recognized, just standard uppercase print, with the only exception being the letter 'e' being in lowercase in every instance. I've mined that for some sort of lead but come up empty. It seems like a mystery that I won't be able to solve. I am able to eliminate certain people based on geography (postmark) religious views (Christian card), financial situation (people who don't have $100 to blow), and style (this just doesn't mesh with the kind of relationship I have with some people). But, while I have suspects, they are only that. I can't just go around asking every single person I know if they did this; I'll look like I'm both bragging and ungrateful. So, outside of this LJ entry, I don't believe I'm going to be talking about this much.
Second, and perhaps more importantly, what to do with the money. My first impulse was to not spend it, do my best to track down the perpetrator and return it. When it became clear I would be unable to find the sender, I had to decide what to do. Probably the biggest hurdle is the fact that I know with certainty that I do not deserve the money. I am not a good person, and certainly not a person who is good enough to elicit extravagant anonymous gifts. I've done and do some very bad things. Lord knows I need the money, (earlier in the very same day I had pawned a bass just to keep some checks from bouncing). Financially, yes, I am in dire straits, but, I can more or less attribute my bad situation to my own poor decisions.
So, I cut a deal:
$25 to the Fuel Fund of Maryland (heat for the poor)
$25 to the Maryland Food Bank (feeding the poor)
$50 to keep, but strictly for bills, not to blow frivolously.
I know the kind of lazy person that I am, so I immediately went to the store and bought money orders for the charities. I wrote them out while still in the car so there can be no takesies backsies. I put them in the envelope and will mail them Monday. The other $50 I've deposited to the bank, and is going to rent most likely.
All I can do is hope this is good enough. I don't want this hanging over my head.
Today it snowed all day, a legitimate blizzard. I'm snowed in. Literally. I'm not worried about getting cabin fever, but I am lonely. You get excited about a snow day when you live with someone you love. You both get the day off, and get to spend it together. When you live alone, you just hope the power stays on and there is something good on TV. This is my first snow day flying solo.
I know this is long, but this is also my entry #500. I figured I'd get my moneys worth. Pun intended?
Someone anonymously gave me $100 for Christmas.
And, my conclusion that I am the worst kind of person in the world was further confirmed when, I immediately saw this very kind gesture as a burden. I'm not in any position to handle this sort of unsolicited generosity. I'm a small, petty man, and this sort of thing is not in my wheelhouse.
Now I feel indebted, but to whom I don't know. And, depending on who this gift came from, I'm not sure I want it. Perhaps it came from someone who is in no position to be giving out $100 bills. Perhaps it is from someone worse off than I am. Maybe it's from a person who I don't want anything to do with, let alone accept gifts from.
Aside from that, I've always felt uncomfortable accepting nice gifts, and when I do accept nice gifts, I always try to reciprocate in some way. But now I just feel all torn up inside about it.
First, I want to know who. There is a list of suspects, but I have no way of knowing who did this with any certainty. The postmark was 'Baltimore' which is just the default postmark for most of this area. The handwriting offered little help; nothing I recognized, just standard uppercase print, with the only exception being the letter 'e' being in lowercase in every instance. I've mined that for some sort of lead but come up empty. It seems like a mystery that I won't be able to solve. I am able to eliminate certain people based on geography (postmark) religious views (Christian card), financial situation (people who don't have $100 to blow), and style (this just doesn't mesh with the kind of relationship I have with some people). But, while I have suspects, they are only that. I can't just go around asking every single person I know if they did this; I'll look like I'm both bragging and ungrateful. So, outside of this LJ entry, I don't believe I'm going to be talking about this much.
Second, and perhaps more importantly, what to do with the money. My first impulse was to not spend it, do my best to track down the perpetrator and return it. When it became clear I would be unable to find the sender, I had to decide what to do. Probably the biggest hurdle is the fact that I know with certainty that I do not deserve the money. I am not a good person, and certainly not a person who is good enough to elicit extravagant anonymous gifts. I've done and do some very bad things. Lord knows I need the money, (earlier in the very same day I had pawned a bass just to keep some checks from bouncing). Financially, yes, I am in dire straits, but, I can more or less attribute my bad situation to my own poor decisions.
So, I cut a deal:
$25 to the Fuel Fund of Maryland (heat for the poor)
$25 to the Maryland Food Bank (feeding the poor)
$50 to keep, but strictly for bills, not to blow frivolously.
I know the kind of lazy person that I am, so I immediately went to the store and bought money orders for the charities. I wrote them out while still in the car so there can be no takesies backsies. I put them in the envelope and will mail them Monday. The other $50 I've deposited to the bank, and is going to rent most likely.
All I can do is hope this is good enough. I don't want this hanging over my head.
Today it snowed all day, a legitimate blizzard. I'm snowed in. Literally. I'm not worried about getting cabin fever, but I am lonely. You get excited about a snow day when you live with someone you love. You both get the day off, and get to spend it together. When you live alone, you just hope the power stays on and there is something good on TV. This is my first snow day flying solo.
I know this is long, but this is also my entry #500. I figured I'd get my moneys worth. Pun intended?