Hurting Right Now
So, I'm back in Portland now since Thanksgiving, and I'm not in a very good state of mind. But I suppose more on that later.
My weekend started Last Wednesday night after work. I had already cleaned up my apartment and packed my bag for my trip the night before. So after work it was time to be off to the airport. It didn't take long to get there, and honestly wouldn't have taken long to get through security if I hadn't had one issue. For some reason, my credit card company's system went down and that shut down use of their cards. At that moment, I was at the airport trying to pay to check my bag! Obviously I freaked the hell out! I tried calling the card company and, due to their system issues, they did not answer. So I talked to the airline company and told them my situation and thankfully they waived the baggage check in fee. Thank you Alaskan Airlines!
So I got through security quickly and sat in the waiting area for an hour and a half for my flight to board.
I was happy to find out that my brother and sister were already waiting at the airport for me (my mom usually makes us call when we get there and THEN she leaves for the airport; I thought they'd do that). We got our big hugs out of the way, grabbed my baggage and rode off to In N Out Burger! I haven't been there in almost two years and if you've never eaten them before, you're seriously missing out. And so after a filling dinner, we did a little light shopping at Wal-Mart and then went to my sister's place.
I got to do some laundry while there and showed them a funny DVD I brought called Seth Macfarlane's Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy. My brother loved it. My sister watched it in and out of sleep and eventually went to bed. On occasion, my brother and I would walk out of the complex to the Sacramento River, which is right behind her complex, smoke and listen to music. That was nice.
Thanksgiving morning my brother, sister and I woke up early and went over to mom and dad's. They still had no idea at this point that I was there. I called mom when we were on the way and laid out a sob story of how sad I was that I wasn't going to see the family for Thanksgiving. Then we arrived an I walked up to the door with my brother. My mom stood and stared for a moment wondering who the hell my brother brought with him. Then she screamed and hugged me. My dad was at the store at the moment, so we got to surprise him separately. My brother and I went into the garage to smoke while we waited for dad. It was funny because my dad stood talking to my mom inside for a moment to the point that my brother felt he had to go get him. I could hear dad as he walked out saying that whatever my brother had to show him in the garage probably wasn't that important...then he was surprised to be wrong.
So we had breakfast and hung out. Mom and dad made Thanksgiving dinner and we just spent the whole day together. The next morning was when my brother and I spent a bulk of our time together. I was going to stay that night with him so we went over there in the early afternoon to take my stuff over there. I got to meet his friends Chris and Jessica, who were really cool. We hung out a bit, I played Wii sports a couple times and pretty much just got acquainted. Then my brother and I got ready for the club and we all headed out. Altogether it was me, my brother, Chris & Jessica and Dave & Rachelle. I've know Dave & Rachelle a long time and was glad they were going to be there. We went to a club my brother liked called the Forty. I didn't exactly feel like I fit in a crowd of so many straight folks, but I managed. Everyone got drunk except for me and Dave. The ladies got sloshed and, as I'm accustomed to from many nights out before, confided a lot of details about themselves to me. My brother was on the prowl and had some mad beer-goggles on! It was kind of sick. Everytime he'd disappear to find someone new I'd jokingly yell to the group, "Where's my child?!" I rather enjoyed being one of the sober ones to watch everything happen. My brother then got a little too drunk and passed out at the table. Twice he lit a cigarette, fell asleep and I had to lick my fingers to reach over and put the cigarettes out. Getting him out of the bar was surprisingly easy. Getting Jessica out was a different matter. She gave everyone shit as we tried to leave! I got mad at one of the bouncers when I saw him tell one of his friends to help her out but gestured grabbing her chest. I'm not a very tough guy, but at least I gave him a dirty look, haha. Anyway, we got home and my brother passed out. Meanwhile I had about 4 or 5 Redbulls at the bar and didn't sleep until hours later.
The next morning my mom and sister came and got me. We did some more light shopping at Wal-Mart where I got a McDonalds breakfast to ease my tired nerves. Then we went back to mom and dad's so we could drop mom off and my sister and I could have some time together. We went to the Sunrise mall to have lunch at La Bou (another restaurant they have there but not up here). I'm obsessed with their dill sauce that they serve with baguettes for dipping. Mouth orgasm of the best kind! The we went shopping through the mall. I got two DVDs, one of the last episode of Will & Grace and the other of the last Broadway performance of Rent. After, we went downtown for some coffee at Butch N Nellies, one of my old hangouts. We also checked out my old apartment to see if anyone I used to know there still lives there. They didn't. I walked upstairs to see my old place and it made me feel too emotional. I had to leave soon after.
The rest of the day was spent lounging at my parents place. We watched some tv and had Thanksgiving leftovers. I was feeling melancholy because my mother and I had an argument earlier that day. We made up and said some very kind things to one another. It was one of the best talks I've had with her. And now after that I had to think about leaving the next day.
Yesterday morning I awoke at 4am to get ready and to take my flight back home. Everything seemed to go smoothly and quickly and I was home in no time (aside from waiting for the train at times a half hour later). I cried a bit at home over being alone. I've always observed that whenever my family visits and then leaves, or if I visit and then leave, the after feeling is the loneliest I've ever felt. But I got it out of my system, had a nap and hung out with my friend Adam a bit. I did some grocery shopping, went home and watched tv and pretty much tried my best to get things back on track...it was hard.
Today, though I feel better and am back at work and on my normal routine, I still feel that terrible loneliness. I don't feel like talking to anyone or doing anything. I just want to see my family again. I rely on them too much for self-worth and I also need to realize that if I were living there again, the excitement of it would taper off as opposed to just me visiting. So I can't be too sad over it. I just miss them so much all the time. I pray that we will always be a family no matter what.
On a quick side note, I honestly didn't get to see any of my Sacramento friends while there. And though I would have loved to see them, it doesn't bother me this time as much as it did last year. I will catch up with them another time.
My weekend started Last Wednesday night after work. I had already cleaned up my apartment and packed my bag for my trip the night before. So after work it was time to be off to the airport. It didn't take long to get there, and honestly wouldn't have taken long to get through security if I hadn't had one issue. For some reason, my credit card company's system went down and that shut down use of their cards. At that moment, I was at the airport trying to pay to check my bag! Obviously I freaked the hell out! I tried calling the card company and, due to their system issues, they did not answer. So I talked to the airline company and told them my situation and thankfully they waived the baggage check in fee. Thank you Alaskan Airlines!
So I got through security quickly and sat in the waiting area for an hour and a half for my flight to board.
I was happy to find out that my brother and sister were already waiting at the airport for me (my mom usually makes us call when we get there and THEN she leaves for the airport; I thought they'd do that). We got our big hugs out of the way, grabbed my baggage and rode off to In N Out Burger! I haven't been there in almost two years and if you've never eaten them before, you're seriously missing out. And so after a filling dinner, we did a little light shopping at Wal-Mart and then went to my sister's place.
I got to do some laundry while there and showed them a funny DVD I brought called Seth Macfarlane's Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy. My brother loved it. My sister watched it in and out of sleep and eventually went to bed. On occasion, my brother and I would walk out of the complex to the Sacramento River, which is right behind her complex, smoke and listen to music. That was nice.
Thanksgiving morning my brother, sister and I woke up early and went over to mom and dad's. They still had no idea at this point that I was there. I called mom when we were on the way and laid out a sob story of how sad I was that I wasn't going to see the family for Thanksgiving. Then we arrived an I walked up to the door with my brother. My mom stood and stared for a moment wondering who the hell my brother brought with him. Then she screamed and hugged me. My dad was at the store at the moment, so we got to surprise him separately. My brother and I went into the garage to smoke while we waited for dad. It was funny because my dad stood talking to my mom inside for a moment to the point that my brother felt he had to go get him. I could hear dad as he walked out saying that whatever my brother had to show him in the garage probably wasn't that important...then he was surprised to be wrong.
So we had breakfast and hung out. Mom and dad made Thanksgiving dinner and we just spent the whole day together. The next morning was when my brother and I spent a bulk of our time together. I was going to stay that night with him so we went over there in the early afternoon to take my stuff over there. I got to meet his friends Chris and Jessica, who were really cool. We hung out a bit, I played Wii sports a couple times and pretty much just got acquainted. Then my brother and I got ready for the club and we all headed out. Altogether it was me, my brother, Chris & Jessica and Dave & Rachelle. I've know Dave & Rachelle a long time and was glad they were going to be there. We went to a club my brother liked called the Forty. I didn't exactly feel like I fit in a crowd of so many straight folks, but I managed. Everyone got drunk except for me and Dave. The ladies got sloshed and, as I'm accustomed to from many nights out before, confided a lot of details about themselves to me. My brother was on the prowl and had some mad beer-goggles on! It was kind of sick. Everytime he'd disappear to find someone new I'd jokingly yell to the group, "Where's my child?!" I rather enjoyed being one of the sober ones to watch everything happen. My brother then got a little too drunk and passed out at the table. Twice he lit a cigarette, fell asleep and I had to lick my fingers to reach over and put the cigarettes out. Getting him out of the bar was surprisingly easy. Getting Jessica out was a different matter. She gave everyone shit as we tried to leave! I got mad at one of the bouncers when I saw him tell one of his friends to help her out but gestured grabbing her chest. I'm not a very tough guy, but at least I gave him a dirty look, haha. Anyway, we got home and my brother passed out. Meanwhile I had about 4 or 5 Redbulls at the bar and didn't sleep until hours later.
The next morning my mom and sister came and got me. We did some more light shopping at Wal-Mart where I got a McDonalds breakfast to ease my tired nerves. Then we went back to mom and dad's so we could drop mom off and my sister and I could have some time together. We went to the Sunrise mall to have lunch at La Bou (another restaurant they have there but not up here). I'm obsessed with their dill sauce that they serve with baguettes for dipping. Mouth orgasm of the best kind! The we went shopping through the mall. I got two DVDs, one of the last episode of Will & Grace and the other of the last Broadway performance of Rent. After, we went downtown for some coffee at Butch N Nellies, one of my old hangouts. We also checked out my old apartment to see if anyone I used to know there still lives there. They didn't. I walked upstairs to see my old place and it made me feel too emotional. I had to leave soon after.
The rest of the day was spent lounging at my parents place. We watched some tv and had Thanksgiving leftovers. I was feeling melancholy because my mother and I had an argument earlier that day. We made up and said some very kind things to one another. It was one of the best talks I've had with her. And now after that I had to think about leaving the next day.
Yesterday morning I awoke at 4am to get ready and to take my flight back home. Everything seemed to go smoothly and quickly and I was home in no time (aside from waiting for the train at times a half hour later). I cried a bit at home over being alone. I've always observed that whenever my family visits and then leaves, or if I visit and then leave, the after feeling is the loneliest I've ever felt. But I got it out of my system, had a nap and hung out with my friend Adam a bit. I did some grocery shopping, went home and watched tv and pretty much tried my best to get things back on track...it was hard.
Today, though I feel better and am back at work and on my normal routine, I still feel that terrible loneliness. I don't feel like talking to anyone or doing anything. I just want to see my family again. I rely on them too much for self-worth and I also need to realize that if I were living there again, the excitement of it would taper off as opposed to just me visiting. So I can't be too sad over it. I just miss them so much all the time. I pray that we will always be a family no matter what.
On a quick side note, I honestly didn't get to see any of my Sacramento friends while there. And though I would have loved to see them, it doesn't bother me this time as much as it did last year. I will catch up with them another time.