Recalling the Passing of a Sister
April 23rd would have been my little sister's 32nd birthday. Her birthday is literally two weeks and 3 years after mine. Many of you who follow me read and gave your condolences when I first posted about her passing and posted the following year recalling it. I haven't really said much about it for awhile. Over the past week I've been having a hard time and to make matters worse, I haven't known exactly why. I'm normally able to identify and articulate how I'm feeling, but it didn't come so easy this last week. And then it dawned on me this morning that maybe there is some emotional residual surrounding the birthday of my sister.
I have a weekly group I meet with to read scripture, discuss life, and generally encourage each other. In discussing family members that have passed on, we discussed how on the anniversary of their passing or their birthday, these guys have felt depressed or in a funk for no discernible reason. And this morning on the way to work it totally hit me! Lauren's birthday was on the 23rd!!
To bring everyone up to speed, my sister passed away when she was 28 years old due to a drug overdose. The coroner did not give specifics as to whether it was intentional or not. So we can't rule out suicide nor carelessness. Either way, it's such a horrible thing to have happen to someone with so much promise. She had the look and fashion sensibility that she could have been a model and a fashion designer. She had the intelligence and sense of humor that she could have been Tina Fey. She had the grace and love of performing that she could have been a famous dancer.
It's been said that at some point in their lives that girls become their mothers...unless they make a conscious choice otherwise. Sadly, I feel like my sister took the easiest path and followed in my mother's footsteps of addiction. There is no denying that she had endured a lot of pain - our whole family has over the years. And I don't blame her for wanting the pain to stop or at least subside for a time. But she became a user of substances and people. It was a horrible tragedy to watch.
I will admit to feeling some remorse and regret for not responding well to her. I truly wish I had said something earlier. Not that it would have made a difference, but I do wish I had been able to say what was on my heart and had looked upon her with pity when she was alive rather than being frustrated/disgusted at her choices. I guess I feel like I did not always respond to her out of a Christ-like attitude. I became exasperated at hearing about the constant problems and watching/hearing her using people to get whatever she could at the moment.
In my eulogy of my sister I said I would choose to remember the sister that I played with in Arizona, swam with, protected, and laughed with. I do, I prefer to, but I think the sadness that lingers and comes to mind comes from missing her terribly - missing the way she should have been. It also comes form how tragic a loss it was and how I wish I had prayed more and stayed in better touch. I don't blame myself for her death and I'm not naive enough or egotistical enough to claim that I could have prevented it. But for my own satisfaction I wish I had handled my relationship with her differently in life.
So what's the resolution? How does this not turn into a complete depress-fest? For you, the reader, I suggest you learn from my regret. If you have someone in your life that you are watching spiral downward, do whatever you can to speak with them and offer them help without enabling their behavior. For myself, I take away the same thing: I will no longer bite my tongue when I feel something needs to be said to those I love that are making poor decisions. I can be diplomatic about it and use tact, but what needs to be said is going to get said. And if that means I have to deal with rejection and separation because I spoke the truth in love, then so be it. But at least I will have said something.
Lauren means victory. It comes from the same root as laurel which were woven together to form a crown of victory. And maybe she didn't have victory over her demons in life, but she can serve as inspiration to me (and hopefully others) to pursue a better life and victory for themselves.
I have a weekly group I meet with to read scripture, discuss life, and generally encourage each other. In discussing family members that have passed on, we discussed how on the anniversary of their passing or their birthday, these guys have felt depressed or in a funk for no discernible reason. And this morning on the way to work it totally hit me! Lauren's birthday was on the 23rd!!
To bring everyone up to speed, my sister passed away when she was 28 years old due to a drug overdose. The coroner did not give specifics as to whether it was intentional or not. So we can't rule out suicide nor carelessness. Either way, it's such a horrible thing to have happen to someone with so much promise. She had the look and fashion sensibility that she could have been a model and a fashion designer. She had the intelligence and sense of humor that she could have been Tina Fey. She had the grace and love of performing that she could have been a famous dancer.
It's been said that at some point in their lives that girls become their mothers...unless they make a conscious choice otherwise. Sadly, I feel like my sister took the easiest path and followed in my mother's footsteps of addiction. There is no denying that she had endured a lot of pain - our whole family has over the years. And I don't blame her for wanting the pain to stop or at least subside for a time. But she became a user of substances and people. It was a horrible tragedy to watch.
I will admit to feeling some remorse and regret for not responding well to her. I truly wish I had said something earlier. Not that it would have made a difference, but I do wish I had been able to say what was on my heart and had looked upon her with pity when she was alive rather than being frustrated/disgusted at her choices. I guess I feel like I did not always respond to her out of a Christ-like attitude. I became exasperated at hearing about the constant problems and watching/hearing her using people to get whatever she could at the moment.
In my eulogy of my sister I said I would choose to remember the sister that I played with in Arizona, swam with, protected, and laughed with. I do, I prefer to, but I think the sadness that lingers and comes to mind comes from missing her terribly - missing the way she should have been. It also comes form how tragic a loss it was and how I wish I had prayed more and stayed in better touch. I don't blame myself for her death and I'm not naive enough or egotistical enough to claim that I could have prevented it. But for my own satisfaction I wish I had handled my relationship with her differently in life.
So what's the resolution? How does this not turn into a complete depress-fest? For you, the reader, I suggest you learn from my regret. If you have someone in your life that you are watching spiral downward, do whatever you can to speak with them and offer them help without enabling their behavior. For myself, I take away the same thing: I will no longer bite my tongue when I feel something needs to be said to those I love that are making poor decisions. I can be diplomatic about it and use tact, but what needs to be said is going to get said. And if that means I have to deal with rejection and separation because I spoke the truth in love, then so be it. But at least I will have said something.
Lauren means victory. It comes from the same root as laurel which were woven together to form a crown of victory. And maybe she didn't have victory over her demons in life, but she can serve as inspiration to me (and hopefully others) to pursue a better life and victory for themselves.