(no subject)
Avoid The Flu
Eat right!
Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day,
go for a swim,
take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of
antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air. Open doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.
OR
Take the doctor's approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a shot,
what do they do first?
They Clean your arm with alcohol...
Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So.......
I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...
If you keep your alcohol levels up,
flu germs can't get you!
My grandmother always said,
"A shot in the glass
is better than one in the ass!"
Live Well - Laugh Often - Love Much
The Why's of Men.................Hmmmm
WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because, for a short time, they
are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? (they don't have enough time)
3.. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls
fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5.. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump
women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before
you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't
know.....it never happened)
C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And my personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your
heart......
Then you are just an old sour fart.
39 Phrases of Wisdom
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in
a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 16. A balanced diet
is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places. 18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it. 20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved, &
never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we
observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.
35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
downinside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very
important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
38. Your friends love you anyway.
39. Thought for the day:
40. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur
built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
Two elderly gentlemen who are in their mid seventies had abstain from
sex for several
years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail. When
they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't
going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she decided
to use "Blow Up Dolls"instead.
She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.
After the two men had finished, they started for home and got to
talking.
The first man said "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved,
talked or groaned.....how was it for you?"
The second man replied, " I think mine was a witch!"
The first man asked , "How's that?"
"Well" said the second man in a whispering tone, "Well I nibbled on
her breast.....she
farted and flew out of the window!"
Eat right!
Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day,
go for a swim,
take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of
antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air. Open doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.
OR
Take the doctor's approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a shot,
what do they do first?
They Clean your arm with alcohol...
Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So.......
I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...
If you keep your alcohol levels up,
flu germs can't get you!
My grandmother always said,
"A shot in the glass
is better than one in the ass!"
Live Well - Laugh Often - Love Much
The Why's of Men.................Hmmmm
WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because, for a short time, they
are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? (they don't have enough time)
3.. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls
fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5.. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump
women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before
you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't
know.....it never happened)
C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And my personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your
heart......
Then you are just an old sour fart.
39 Phrases of Wisdom
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in
a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 16. A balanced diet
is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places. 18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it. 20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved, &
never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we
observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.
35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
downinside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very
important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
38. Your friends love you anyway.
39. Thought for the day:
40. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur
built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
Two elderly gentlemen who are in their mid seventies had abstain from
sex for several
years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail. When
they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't
going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she decided
to use "Blow Up Dolls"instead.
She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.
After the two men had finished, they started for home and got to
talking.
The first man said "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved,
talked or groaned.....how was it for you?"
The second man replied, " I think mine was a witch!"
The first man asked , "How's that?"
"Well" said the second man in a whispering tone, "Well I nibbled on
her breast.....she
farted and flew out of the window!"