This is why Dane Cook fucking kicks ass...
“Now, lemme tell you something. Lemme tell you why women, you win 99.9% of all fights. *audience cheers* Yup. Yup. And I’ll tell you why right now, here it is: because YOU are mental terrorists. You are brain ninjas. And you know how to get in there with you katana *CHING* and just cut us. And disappear, into the night!
I’m gonna tell you right now, this is how they do it, guys. I’m gonna help you, so you know when it’s coming next time, and you know how to maybe try and stop this encounter from happening. This is what’s gonna happen: Yer in the fight, m’kay, it’s going back and forth, she’s preparing to say a comment, okay. She’s got a comment on tap that she’s gonna say, and it’s the tiniest, it’s just a little tic-tac sized comment. But this is a fucking detonator. And she’s gonna say it and it’s gonna go deep into your cerebellum and it’s gonna sit there, and at some point-- 3 days later, 30 days later, it’s going to explode, rotting you from within. I’m telling you right now. She’s gonna say this comment and here’s when you know it’s coming, physically, I can show you when it’s coming right now. This is the physical movement that she’s gonna give to you. And you’re saying, “Dane, how do I know, how can I prepare myelf?” Here’s when it’s gonna happen. During the argument, there’s gonna be a point where she’s gonna stop and change her game up. The minute she starts agreeing with everything yer fucking saying...LOOK OUT! You are in trouble, okay, and I will show you phycially what’s gonna happen, you’re gonna see her leg do this *pivets leg to the side*. The moment her leg *che-KUN* locks like this, you’ve just driven into Fuckville. And she’s the mayor!
So she’s locked…*giggles* they’re lovin’ it right now, they’re LOVIN’ IT! *che-KUN* Now at this point, she’s going to start agreeing with everything yer saying and that’s bad. The moment you start hearing her go, “Y’know what, yer absolutely right, yer absolutely right, and I didn’t even know. Why would I even know, because yer the Czar of Right. And we’re all just floating in the sea of wrong as you go by in yer ship of right. Just, please, tell me, throw me a lifeline so I know. Yer right, I don’t know if I’m right about this, I could be wrong about right now, but you know. Why don’t you tell me if I’m right right now?” *KUN* *points at his leg* Right there. The minute she starts hitting you with that, you better be prepared, ‘cause there’s a fucking torpedo in the water…and it’s coming to getcha! Okay, so physically, here’s what she’s gonna do: She’s gonna lock the leg, and as she done with her little, “Yer right yer right,” she’s gonna do something with her hand, her arm. And it’s always different, but it involves touching her own face, and doing some kind of windshield wiper movement. *wags finger* *laughs*
Now, here’s what she’s gonna do, she’s gonna PIVIT her body. She’s gonna PIVIT and then she’s going to take 3 to 5 steps-3 TO 5! 3 to 5 and she’s gonna slow down, she’s gonna cock her head to the left…she’s gonna say the comment. She’s gonna say the comment, and here’s the thing: There will be no emphasis. It’ll be very subtle, it’ll almost be a whisper. And why is that? To make you listen.
And it is going to be a destroyer of worlds. It’s something like this, right, she’s does the thing *wags finger* she’s gonna turn, and then she’s gonna go like this: “Well, you’re stupid like your father.”
*laughs* And at first, that means nothing! At first, we laugh at it, you say it, you walk away, we’re like, “HAhahaha, what does that even mean, bye! Hahaha.” We have no idea that you just fuckin’ ninja-ed our brain.
We’re gonna be in the basement 40 minutes from then, just pacing. And it’s gonna slowly start to seep in, we’re pacing back and forth thinking about it:
“Heheh, *scoffs* ‘Stupid like yer father.’ …*scoff turned into an angry beath* …MY FATHER’S A BRILLIANT MAN! YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW!”
*PSSH* Explosion.
NOW, we’re starting to spiral down. And so it’s at this point, we need to fuckin’ fight some more. So what do we do? We come lookin’ for ya. We come looking, and we can’t even remember the layout of our own house, we’re like, “Where the fuck do I live? *opens door* That is a pantry! Where is…”
When we finally find you, yer always in the kitchen. Yer in the kitchen, and yer feeling victorious, and yer sittin there eating some Oodles n’ Noodles. And here’s the mistake that we make as guys, on the way to the fucking kitchen, we didn’t come up with anything…to say. *embarrassed laugh*
We have no…dialogue prepared. And that’s the first mistake. Because then when we get in there, right away, what do we default to: we swear a lot more, we get louder, and we point out the obvious, right? We come in, “Oh yeah, yer just gonna eat fuckin’ noodles, is that what yer gonna fuckin’ do? Just eat fucking noodles on yer ass? Yer just gonna sit there…UNNNNNGH! *mocks eating noodles* Yer gonna fuckin…yeah? Eat fucking noodles all day, is that what yer gonna do? Eat that fucking noodles…yeah, well who bought the fucking noodles? WHO BOUGHT THE FUCKING NOODLES!? Just tell me about the noodles THEN I’LL LEAVE YOU ALONE! I DID! That’s right! I bought the fucking noodles, ENJOY MY FUCKING NOODLES! THAT I FUCKING BOUGHT, EVERY BOX-MINE! I fucking bought them, and y’know what? I fucking love noodles, and I loved them MY WHOLE LIFE! And I loved them-and y’know why? Y’know why? ‘Cause when I was a little boy, my dad used to buy me all the fucking noodles I wanted. He bought me all the noodles-if I said, “Daddy, I want some noodles,” he fucking bought them, and y’know why he bought them, ‘CAUSE HE’S A SMART FUCKING GUY!!!!! …YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW! YOU-DON’T-EVEN-KNOW!”
That’s the last thing we always have to say when we leave, “You don’t even know. You don’t even…you don’t even know! You don’t EVEN KNOW!”
-Z